Connected

Walking out into the spring air I can feel how heavy it is with dampness and life.  What I feel is inside of me, yes, but also all around me.  It has something about it which tells me that it is me, too.  How is it that it can be that way?  When I run up against a real problem in being able to understand all of this stuff I think on these simple things and I seem able to resolve into some sense of knowing that is not about knowledge but feeling.  The universe does not know, even though there is so much to know, its that it FEELS (you will see eventually how this is possible for seemingly inanimate matter) This is how I have been relating to the world now for a few years, since my Awakening which took place in 2006.  As I walk out across that parking lot and the trees all alive with flowers budding and life bursting out all over the place in one giant cry for recreating itself, I think about how a friend wrote recently about our world....words I read and considered.....was our world consciousness or was the physical not spiritual?  He was considering the makeup of the world.....was this just an empty place which we fill with spirit or is the physical world itself containing something?  I read this and bit my tongue a bit.  Well of course everything is alive with itself I think to myself as I feel this damp wet air hit me with its juicy sensuality....and its more than just because I feel it as sensual.... the shaman and the aboriginal people have all known this, it has filled their lore, their stories, their knowing for countless generations.  Not just known it but felt it, which I think is important. How was it that we fell away from this feeling, this certainty of the way things are?  How did we become divorced from our natures, the part that could feel the collective breath of life in everything?  I know that for years I would read in excitement what the shaman would say or the wise women who would speak the truth of their souls;  everything is an aspect of everything else---we are one part of a much larger web.  We are not the web, but a part within it.  This all felt right, but in truth, I didn't have many expeirences that I could point to where I felt this deeper sense of how what was in me was moving through everything else, or was part of some charged world of energy, as though some energy which was in the tree could just as easily move through me and then into the water and then the next moment be pulsing a million light years away in a dustcloud.....

As I walked across the parking lot the world felt like a boundless realm of being wherein everything was connected.  Everything was within all else.  Everything arose from a common realm. What I felt was what pulsed through all of life, and its not something that is dependent on my feeling a certain way; its here even as I write, and its here as long as my heart is open, as long as I make room for this bliss to pour through me. All matter contained this, certainly it did. This was what my awakening afforded me; a broadening of awareness or of consciousness.  This broadening was not itself enlightenment but I realize how some might confuse it.  This was the infrastructure FOR enlightenment, but sadly, we are only as good as we are willing to make ourselves or allow ourselves to be.  Kundalini itself is a magical thing in that in some ways it gives you this key into yourself and into the corridors of the universe.....and yet at the same time,  the world is replete with people who have knowledge.  This was what the keepers of the Mystery School In Egypt were telling Pythagoras about when he beseeched them to let him enter in to study with them.  They weren't interested in knowledge.  Its not about knowing.  Its about feeling because knowing is a trap of the mind which gets you out of the heart.  What I know in all of this is I need GRACE.  That alone is the difference as far as I am concerned.  We are set up to feel this bliss in ourselves, but this bliss does not make us good people, or even caring.  We just wind up caring about OUR bliss.  By stretching into compassion we become more.   But event then, the world breathes as I breathe.  There is a unity in consciousness, but some of us do not feel it.  It isn't that we can't feel it, its merely a matter of unlocking the cabinet that caries the tools.  Kundalini does this.

I realized I lived in this world 24/7 where intellectually I knew things were all One, I just didn't feel it like I do now.  This was now how things were ordered and perceived. I had believed all of this was true, I just didn't FEEL it like this the way I feel it now. The whole of this world is knit together like this.  The problem seems to be the consciousness that rides atop this wave of aware-ized energy.  We.  We the plunderers, the blinded would-be gods and goddesses.  Why do we feel we are the top of all creation when we are but a thread within its great and marvelous web? What has our great and powerful ego done to make this world a paradise?

Walking out into the air I was caressed by the beauty of the air all around me, alive as it was and connected as it will always be, or for as long as air moves across our planet.
Everything is woven together like many threads of a carpet or tapestry....

Feeling it this way I think is the revelation.  Feeling how it is woven inside of you and outside of you....this is what is freeing and confounding all at once.  Sometimes its just confounding, but its better than the alternative.

So inside of you is this bliss.  Your body will make way for it, to let it come streaming in, to appear as though one day it took up residence.  I remember thinking how it felt like something outside of me began to inhabit my body and it was cause for some concern. This got me into a scared place for a while until I learned the art of letting go.  And letting go, like anything else, comes in degrees. Ascension and enlightenment are that way, too.  Its all in layers, levels, degrees. But inside is the Way, the sacred path that the sachems and sages and teachers and psychics and healers, shaman and seers.....it will unfold like a carpet rolling out to greet you and you will no longer be the same.  And as you learn to let go, it will flood into you more and more.  Finding your peace in all of this, the bliss rises like a flood, and in that bliss lies the secret of all of this.

This is where love begins. Its all around, and its waiting for you.....not as some dry cloud -pure thing but something so alarmingly alive and passionate its enough to change the trajectory of your life.  And confounding, yes.  And difficult, yes.  No one said this would be easy.  But anything worth something wont be completely easy.  We all have work to do.

I sometimes ask myself what my purpose is and most of it I realize is to simply breath this in and KNOW it for what it is beyond anyone else's perspective.  After all I have to feel this in my own skin.  I have to feel it so intimately that its like it is myself, a second skin. What is this being that is observing me quietly and filling me with such bliss?  it is part my job to observe it, to live with it, to know it, and to feel as deeply into it to plumb its mystery and being as I can.  Its so simple and wonderful to know that everything is connected.  How it is connected, I could scarcely begin to describe to you.  But its there, and its waiting on you now for you to feel it and when you feel it, it will be feeling you feeling it, and this other you will know itself resolving in a vast array of everything....every particle that ever was.  And while confounding, its also bound together as a unity at  some point in its self. Beyond that, I don't know. I know what I know, but what is its knowing? Is it possible for me to see as it sees?  Or is it enough for me to simply become aware of that great awareness which leads to a still deeper sense of awareness which we think of a still ocean of awareness?  This still deeper ocean of awareness is not what our gurus have felt.  Like being a small cell in a still larger body we have looked outward and felt inward at its massive force and body not fully knowing what end of the tiger we have.

So there is more to see and do and feel into.

I am happy enough to know that its all connected.  Its a bit like a mantra I have been chanting from lifetime to lifetime.  And I am glad you are here readin this because what that means is that you are both ready to take these words in and you are also composed of this knowing within you.  Some might even struggle with it, might even dissagree.  All of that is perfect in all of its time.  And when this love comes to you, ready to topple your perfectly created composure, I will be there smiling and so glad that you made it here.  We need more of you, more of us to wake up, more to be kissed with that great pulse of love, that great and terrible conflagration which will set your world on its edge and make you wonder what its all about.
 

And you will know the answer, maybe not on that very day, but it will lurk in your days and nights as your guides and your own soul brings those resources to your door for you to consider and interact with consciousness making more of itself.  This will be a liberation, even if it does not seem that way at first.  Finally you are feeling, and while it might be hard to remove all the dross, its also important to do so for the good of your tender heart which needs to beat in rhythmn to the passion that makes up our universe, the part that bears the string that pulls all threads tight, which winds its way through the tapestry that is our existence.   Perhaps in that time, as you awaken, or awaken more, you will smile, too, a little, and know that fear need not be the way.  Its a great path, even if it means simply knowing deep down inside and all through you that everything IS connected and that everything IS a radiation of this very special brand of consciousness, this thing we call love. 

The Flower of Our Heart

I know that there is something so sacred which connects us and whose connective likely reach out through time in subtle ways which may rise to the surface unexpectedly yet not a surprise....connected through the very fiber of our hearts, the angle of our intention, the yearning of our souls for that distant shore which is right next door....within you I know is that which I need most, a channel, a tunnel to a place of sublime being. When the world has me off balance or kilter, I find that if I can simply remind myself of where you are, I find myself in the process and find that which I need more than anything. These pearls of bliss which peel off from the godselves we are, we can wash each other with and remake ourselves as we go puzzle-like into a more complete picture. If I can look directly ahead and not to the side....they call this the middle way....if I can do that, then I am golden. Like birds feeding on the nectar of our soul, our divine being-boundless and free-our lives are transformed.

The flower in your and my heart, which makes you so beautiful, which makes me so beautiful, seeks entry into this world. It seeks to be more than just with you and with me but bound by a common vision, want, need....sacred desiring.....we both know what this is, and its alchemical fire is so needed in this world and we so need to bring this forward....but a place must be made for it, a nest in this world where the two alchemy of what you and I are can shine forth....like the bread of life which is divided endlessly yet whole.

His energy moves forward in this bliss and as he does the bliss moves up the scales....into territory that is like some electric cosmic field of pure pleasure and joy and bliss....his ability to handle this kind of energy means that our merging will be of this and more....our blending, fusion of purpose, will build this connective in a way that is simple and beautiful. How I will ever be able to live without your presence after that, I will never know...

What Remains

When Kundalini struck almost three years ago I began a process of refinement. Intuitively I was aware that the "new" energy in me was pressing this process as its quiet intelligence and presence showed itself to me. I had little understanding how exactly I got to the debris of my inner life, only that the energy began to press forward in me whenever I was able to uncover the stones which lay about my field and which the fire in me appeared to reveal. Like a brush fire raging across a prairie, the sage brush is burned away to reveal a landscape dotted with stones, all of which needed to be picked up, examined, forgiven, before the energy would advance any further. Within a month or two the process had come to a halt, had idled. Something about the kundalini tapped my soul and began the process of clearing my insides so that something clearer could come through. As this happened I felt a language of my soul rise to the surface which was part and parcel of the energy on the one hand and my soul essence on the other. Is it possible that so much of this is soul chemistry and that these karmicaly based connections could only go so far? I suspected that it had to do with something inside of me but also in the other, how the energies all worked together to facilitate change and growth. It felt like my own emergence was limited by the ability to which my counterpart in this was able to heal herself because I think that we DO spark something in the other based on the soul chemistry and if that chemistry is limited in scope or power then it will seve its purpose for which it came but it may not wind up being THE message or THE thing....and perhaps in my case the things I had to overcome were bigger than my own inner resources.....and that my own karma was causing a good deal of events to take place in order to push and press certain issues until they were dealt with. After a number of months of being in idle mode other connections began to propagate. At the time I trusted Source was sending this for my own education or growth. In retrospect, though, I think that it was more likely that my soul so badly needed to move forward and begin the process of change within my smaller self that it would do whatever was necessary to reveal the truth of the matter.....which was that something had to move, that things within me had to be healed, and the clock was ticking. Sometimes it feels a bit like we are just piecing things together as we get them.... the puzzle pieces, no matter how hard we want them to match simply do not....or perhaps only match for a time, or maybe...only match in a certain way for a certain time until our own shape changes....or maybe I am still chewing on this....but one thing is for certain and that is, for me at least, these experiences draw from me my soul....something that I recognize as being vitaly important for me now. I think that once you touch upon something like that you can never go back, and when someone is able with such aplomb assist in bringing that forward through the megic of her soul energy, the world changes in a way that is difficult to explain or articulate.....its not that the world has changed but that I have changed....or rather something in me has begun to be fulfilled. That feeling is singular above all else.

Looking back at all of this its so easy to see how these connections were reflective of my own old hurts or trauma and even karma. In a sense the people were perfect in that the mirroring was bringing up those energies which were the result of unresolved issues within me which I had attracted to me through shared trauma or hurt being mirrored. By the Spring of last year I looked around me to try and make sense of all of this and asked myself was this really working. My feeling was that it was not, but I had adopted this sense that the universe had been sending me this stuff, so I should dutifuly take what it had to offer or pay attention to what these connections were trying to say. Without a good answer, I began to consider that I needed to begin utilizing the energy which flowed through me for creative purposes because I had just reached a place where little was making sense and the way forward was within myself. It was then I think that my energy began to change, and a new direction was being made manifest.

When you came in it was like some old friend who stood looking at the mess I was in and saying "this is a mess." While I knew it was a mess I didn't know how to change it since I had given up so much of my will in the process by having made so much of this the will of the cosmos. Work got underway immediately, though, to first clear my field of so many energies and then to begin a much more active period of refinement. Blessed, you stuck with me, lending your keen sight and knowing through the process....helping me dig through myself to understand where old traumas lay which began an important process of clearing and healing. While my side may not have been perfect, I remained engaged because something inside of me knew just how important this all was, that I could not bear to feel your presence dissapear from my life because what you awakened in me was not just something inside of myself but was itself a recognition of what you are to me. My soul recognized you from a place that was from the core soul self....as if I had somehow spent eternity with you and would from time to time send portions of myself out into the slip stream of time. As old Archonic energies were stripped away and old agreements were forgiven, my insides felt like they had become a battleground. A battleground? Against whom?

Myself.

So easy to point fingers; we are all responsible for our own stuff. No one holds us against our will spiritually, or makes us drink from waters less than clean, or to do that which hurt our hearts or souls. With great luck you whispered into my ear something as old as forever and I have not been the same. I think the tuning fork of your breath struck a note my soul recognized and began the process anew in shaking off the old things and waking up to the new paradigm, however gradually. While its no fun looking at the mess its informative, too, given enough distance from it.

What is most clear to me is how lack and hurt or trauma distorts our insides and causes the energy that flows through us to become coarser or raw. Not knowing anything differently, this rawness buffeted by the cosmic kundal current makes us think we have something important if we never know anything better or different. Well, we do....but by the time it has played itself through us, it has become distorted, a shadow of what it could have been. A simple missuse of energy. To correct this, healing had to take place inside of me and this can be as simple as letting things go....By the time this was happening these things no longer felt like something alive in me but were more like little cells in a larger body....perhaps cells which were ready to be sloughed off after their time in the body was exhausted. As the hurt goes away the energy field becomes more clear and as that becomes more clear, then there is more room for the divine and so small wonder that beings began to show up, tutors of sorts, all adding their staccato lessons as quickly as possible and moving on. But when a man is able to be humble and listen to the wisdom of the woman, the healing that can take place is unlike any other. I would maintain, though, that this woman would be one who is guided through divine purpose. So essential, so necessary all of this has been, but given that life is beginning to trend in new and wonderful directions, the drive for purification, of preparation and living in grace becomes stronger and stronger as I feel my heart open to a love inside of me I never knew I was capable of. Within that love lies a goddess in her repose smiling back at me asking what it was I was up to....and I wonder how it could ever have been any other way. Patting the bedclothes I lay down beside you wondering what will be when we become so true to what we are inside, as we let fall these things which have been like protective coverings....