Hard

This is not easy
it goes against my instincts
yet
I am tender
vulnerable
forgetful
spinning.

I need a place to land
a place to find a moment
where I do not draw back in fear or pain
a place to lick my wounds
to sooth myself
I wish I could land next to you
for you know me best
your hand alone
pressed against my heart
could draw out all the hurt
just by you being you.
But I am afraid
afraid of being hurt
of coming so far
coming so close
feeling catapulted
distant
even to myself.
Old habits
ancient hurts
awakened in the present
conspire to trample the little self.

I know its time to let it all go
that's what this is all about
but sometimes its easy to lose sight
of the forest for the trees.
My feet press deep into the leaves and soil
of the forest floor
they will know I was here
all ways
my scent shall linger
my emergent self reaching into himself
to find you
the secret of you
the wonder of our common lineage
where I go I find you
so close
I could not see.
Something in me was aware though....
silently
quietly
still.

You have helped bring me to my larger self
someone who has known you always
and who cherishes nothing else
nor esteems anything else above you.
His gaze into you
singular
and constant
is hard for me to take
when I feel such pain....
I need to get back on my feet again
and know that I will survive even this
in these grey cold days
that will unfold
and reveal
the pearl
of our truth
and compassion
as purified in the fire
the crucible of the soul.