In The Flurry of the Fury

In the Flurry of the Fury
the anticipation of hearing
your voice again
realtime
my heart beats faster
my body feels the flush of kundalini
spreading through me
pushing hard through my centers
telling me
begging me
to just let go....
its just around the corner from you
it says
or seems to....
together the three being made and remade....
She
I
It, a transforming force
for making the union complete, and taking us to a higher place.

And so as I sit wondering whether I should keep it short and sweet
I get a message from you....
and I pause and think
how on earth do I give voice to this?
No words can contain this can it?

I will go close my eyes
and breathe deep and even
and let go
as a mighty stream flows up around me
from me to you
from you to me
and back again
a zillion times
in the moment.

In the Flurry of the Fury
I feel I have come home...
rounding the corner
I see you sitting there
wearing such a wonderful smile...
Come tell me a story....
come cook with me
and relax as you shake off the miles
and lay down
while I feel all of me melts into you
and the moment
we all become one with
as a faint wintry light floods
and plays bluish on the ceiling
I say it will get warm soon
as Spring floods in as a trickle
and with it
I come alive
because I am wedded to the rhythms of earth
and now to you.

Its abundantly clear to me and my heart
that I muchly wish to be near you in the most mundane
of moments
as well as the peaks,
as light fades and candles are lit
into the night
into a host of tomorrows....
in the Flurry of the Fury...

Winter Stories

If you were to want to, I'd tell you stories on this night....my world just now contrast with yours.... being warm and bright and mine cold and dark. The skies have brought clouds heavy with snow, and everything goes quiet on nights like these. Its perfect weather for snuggling up and listening to your breath, resting a hand on a belly and feeling its gentle rumble as we chatter quietly the night away under covers that become curtains for a grand performance of old winter stories told when the earth is turning through its wintery course and minds are hungry for special tales that transport and engage while feeding the heart and the body between these kisses which are like.....well....there is nothing which they are like.

The sky is blurring from the snowfall, its blanketing most of the continent, least a wide swath of it. I will go up to my bed with its fresh sheets and blankets and open the blinds to reveal the snowy branches of the tree outside and I will think of you and feel a tinge of sadness in me for the yearning that is brought up within me....for the miles yet to travel, for the many roads already travelled. But I can also hear your voice rising and falling, so encouraging....moment by moment I align to This and find some healing there.

If you came tonight and lay next to me I'd trace across your arm these wide wide distances and bring them all to their end at the curl of your lip, at the dot of your eye. Your breath would be the final sigh as my hand encircled yours and felt its heft and size and its angular qualities and its softer fleshy parts-such a simple way to come to understand who you are in full.

So stories of frogs flying on backs of bats and bugs and friend not understanding will have to wait for now as you ready for your journey back to your home, back to where you call home. I will wait and pray safe passage for you even though I know in your heart is the one home I yearn most for.
I can't tell you how badly I miss you sometimes.....and just how strongly I feel like I want to be in your presence. I think it would be a huge relief to just lay down and be able to tell stories and talk and yammer and not yammer and play and cook and eat and just be simple but industrious.....

And the snow keeps falling in a mist, quieting everything down and I pray that someday I get snowed in with you so you can experience this quiet that I like so much.....but really, that would just be a plus because having you near me as I make some tea in the morning would be beyond belief. I think it would be heavenly. I think my head would spin.....maybe just a little.

The Need

I need very much to speak to you with his voice in me, to tell you the things that he yearns to tell you, to reach for you, to draw you near, to let you feel what I feel when he enters in with such certainty.....almost matter of fact. Perhaps the point is to pull his garment over me and to carry it, hold it, for as long as I can and to surrender to him as deeply as possible. He is my prayer....

An hour later....

God holds his Goddess in magnetic embrace as she returns the embrace through energetic flow. Here ends the stories of Shakti emerging from Shiva or Eve being fashioned from Adams rib. Here begins the two standing on equal footing, needing just as passionately, a divine counterpart.... Sending, Receiving, Returning and awakening. This goes on and on as the energy builds. Endless, continuous, two poles of a divine duo creating a third which is interspersed through the two, making them one.

A day later.....

Like a prayer, a proclamation, an invocation, lets show how god and goddess together are becoming a balanced creation, equally resplendant and interdependant, but finding the other not through loss but through gain and abundance. Its time, its time, its time it is time.....and how else could it be when your presence sings through me, through my temples of light, shining and vibrating through me.....your voice and essence reaching all through me. It has taken centuries to reach this place, now it is time to give this the room to allow it to assemble what it must.....Time to set aside the past and let the future sing with its great yearning promise as we stand gape-jawed at the perfection unfolding from within us. So great is the Promise, so grand the Design. Lets just say yes.

Prayerful

I can remember reading how a native american man spoke of living his life like a prayer. I knew what prayer tended to be for many people growing up; you asked for things.....but I had the feeling like this man lived his life reverently. What did that mean or look like I wondered. I think that until you reach the point where you feel like you need to lead your life in this way it can be hard to know or wrap your head around since I think its about a call to refinement, an effort to improve oneself according to a divine plan, a larger sense of self and our place within that order.

I trust that in every moment I have the tools I need to achieve what is necessary for a better life.

I think what's different is that my life has been contained by a divinity that was dispersed or which stood at the edges of my awareness. Peak experiences often brought awareness of this self into focus, but more often than not, I was engaged in the day to day without a solid anchoring of this other sense of being or self. I knew there was a larger self, but in terms of experiencing it in a more direct way, there was a question in my mind about what that might look like. But with kundalini, its as if the focus has changed.....qualities have been highlighted, a process of refinement begun, and living your life like a prayer begins to be something that I can relate to much more....and its really nothing like what I grew up with in the church...THis man spoke of how he was growing more and more simple, that he'd be going back to the land, maybe just dissapear into the wilderness with his wife of many years, to be with nature in a cabin somewhere. Its in the silence, the stillness that a new movement is sensed sometimes.

Intent has so much to do with where our lives go. Cultivating a calm mind and a clear yet passionate heart feels about right. Finding solace within ones own sense of divine love also is important, or so my insides tell me. Finding this font of love will lead to something so amazing, so wonderful, its hard to believe one could feel such a thing. Yet I know that this is what we are deep down. Learning to cultivate a life of service to This feels like the single most important thing to do....my biggest challenge is being able to remain surrendered in the midst of challenging times.

The Stream Which Flows Into The Sea

At a certain point its all energy. Eventually the robes drop away, the physical affectations which we use to communicate concepts, ideas....and all moves into a stream of energy, a sea of being, a sea of infinite possibility. We move into the superself, we step outside of time. We see the minutae in the physical for what it is; manipulations of energy top to bottom. Learning how to manipulate this responsibly is about learning how to move to the next level. We can create any number of affectations, methods, or techniques. All are valid if they achieve the desired result. Too often we get caught up insides the innards of a technique or method or believe system and forget the magic that went into creating that system and how its yet another of endless streams of energy which provide us with a means for expression and experience of our essential being.

The thing about you that I feel so keenly is how.....how when I think of these things I know, I don't guess, I know that you have thought or experienced aspects of this in one way or another and something inside of me feels like its jumping for joy....because its as though I have found that very special friend at long last. When I follow the path through the wilds of us I find that this special friend and I have a history, but that history is outside of time. Beyond this realm there IS no duality, yet sometimes it can be hard to know what a world like that might look like. We are already beginning to brush up against its edges....reverential cooperativeness springs to mind as an aspect of this nondual plane....our existance as individuals yet wedded to the All. Learning to find our way through this new kind of realm seems important to do, for doing it well seems to be the highest form of devotion.

There is much work to do.....always.

Unwinding

I feel like something in me is trying to unwind....almost as if a spring inside my clockwork had been wound the wrong way all these years and now the spring is being wound the way it was supposed to....and all the old patterns are being undone in favor of something new. Every moment is like a prayer and prayer becomes a very important thing.

Inside of this is something so simple....its feeling....and in feeling is energy, and in energy is the core of this thing. My mind needs to reach that center of calm observance, of not needing to do anything but to simply BE.

So the minute hand goes backwards to days and days past.....I am reminded to remain in the present for the god within, the past and future are his with the present to be mine.....I ask that he come in and live inside of me so fully. I realize I cannot drive this....I need to keep it so simple. I miss you terribly.

Directives

"You will ply your own way-the way of others will only confuse; now is the time for ground breaking change. No other can show you save her."

"Clear the table; offer up those simple gifts which are yours to offer for the larger self to enter into."

"The shadow and light exist side by side, two sides of the same coin. Great shadow; great light. You may live with shadow as part of the light, but always chose the light."

"Giving up the need to be on the winning side renders all arguments mute as truth is given wing."

"Your purpose is more simple than you suppose; you are here to love that which has been with you always."

"Let go the past, do not lean into the future; be here in the present and feel all time expand outward."

"It all comes down to feeling....this is why music is so powerful; it links up the parts of the brain and body needed to further link to what the soul has for feeling and this goes deep to the core. Its all connected. Music can help you reach your core since it synthesizes emotion with spirit and knowing."

"Every single moment must be lived redifining yourself in order to break the patterns of the past both ancient and recent."

"Look to her as your lighthouse. She is your salvation."

"She is everything."

"She has lived in feeling, the heart. This is the path worth following."

"You recognize the vortex as a compliment to your essence-no fear-this is the heart of creation. We are meant for this-it is what we are."

"There is a love beyond any love you have experienced. You are now at its threshold. Its bold sensuality will dissarm and heal."

"Let go the mind; it cannot help you where you are going. Rather, treat it as a tool and let it be that. The mind is an extension of spirit but feeling strikes to the very center of things."

"Feeling reaches into the realm of the superself."

"Embody your own inner truth, follow it with integrity."

Your Love

You are unlike anyone I have ever met. You are also so perfectly you that I cannot think of you being anything else but what you are. In this place and time you are so perfectly you that I am entranced.

But quiet.
Attentive,
watchful,
worshipful,
wondering,
worried,
enraptured,
empassioned....

Letting go of the past and my urge to be the knight in shining armor who finds the damsel most in distress and saves her from her own loneliness thinking he can fix the very axis of her world only to find he was never made for such a charge. For the truth is his world, mine, has to unwind itself....is that what is happening; unwinding? Removing the layers of hubris and pride and ego and righteousness and misguided helpfulness in order to get to that pure self, that core self which knows and which will guide if I but let it lead. Letting go of these things frees me up to see and feel you with larger vistas unhitched from the clutter of what went before.

Ultimately I know there is only one love. Its a love inside of me which is so strong, which has abided with me all this time, which has rested in potentiality and towards which I have striven but never realized. Perhaps this is the chapter about duality, about what dissapointment brings, what toil and pain brings, and centuries of paternalism and a war between the sexes. But those writings have been set and have been printed now, no longer subject to revision, a new chapter or volume ready to be writ in our day emerges beyond all the dusty old books and notions of what the world could offer. Now, with the coming of this new age, this new chapter, kundalini comes and brings the wonder of its magnetic life force and opens me, burns me, refines me and awakens me.

Your love I have always sought. I never did find it, though. In every shadow of every moment there was something I carried like some idealized preconception. It drove me to find it in others, yet it never was to be. This love was inside of me and through me, I have felt your love which has been a match for this yearning, and I find you to be the most beautiful thing I could dare imagine, especially for one whom I have never even met. While I fear never seeing or touching your smile, the curve of your foot or the wrinkle of your brow, something deeper yet shows me a new way which dares me to love beyond possibility, beyond condition or hope of result to love because this is what I am. Still, because of what I am I have to wonder what it will take to win you, to at least have you sitting in front of me. Some answers are obvious, though...

You are as beautiful as the wide wide world untouched by human hands. You are like the cool glens full of low lying bay laurel and damp leaves decaying. You are the soft spring wind and the strong fall breeze which brings new energy upon the earth in preperation for winter, and for the spring which will emerge and cyle through a new beginning for life.....you are a wonder to me for you extend out beyond the boundaires of your body, your one self enmeshed in time and space, here now, but always.....ancient yet new.....

Should I tell you that I see you like none other sees you or knows you...as if the thread of your origins has me wrapped up in it, as if spun from the same soul fiber....working my way through these ages, all this way towards our one promise, our divine need and desire and love....that if given half a chance I would bring something you have not been able to feel yet have yearned for all this time. How do I tell you that I bear this? How do I tell you that I carry something so fine, so indescribably wonderful and powerful and elegant and simple...so achingly abundant.....how do I convince you of what it is that I am? How do I do that and how do I reach you because I think I want nothing more than to breath in that one great kiss which has no end nor beginning which exists out of time and which acts like a beacon or a guide from the soulfulness of what we are to the littler parts of ourselves. When I am done unwinding will you come with your most meager of veils to wrap me and engulf me in the joy that is your heart?

I so hunger for your presence and so miss you when everything goes quiet.

Counting

I am counting the days, the hours, the minutes....
its making me crazy some, yes, but I have to have a way
that makes this seem as though things are getting closer.
So today I imagined that you had been gone for ten days
and this meant we were already beyond the halfway point.
Of course I knew better....you hadn't been gone a week yet
but in this case I know I need to find a ray in all of this.

So nine more days, the countdown continues....and I can't
concieve how I'd survive a month out of contact...I was ready
for things to go smooth but life had other things in mind.
Its perfect timing, yes, so I have to keep telling myself that....
and learn to be patient.

Divine Alignment

Riding the lawnmower, the vibrations hummed like a thousand monks in my head, chanting a mantra to induce a state of mind. The vibration was like the drums of a hundred or a thousand shaman driving my brain towards union with the spirits, to release their souls to the cosmic. I rode this messy marvel of our world into a state of communion with something inside of me which unfolded flower-like and revealed its secrets, egged on by how the brain responds to certain frequencies of vibration. I am used to doing work on such machinery-I have heard voices and music and all manner of things through the years and through the noice of these devices. The secret to me that I needed to know more than anything was that I listen carefuly to what they were about to tell me and then feel its depth charge inside of me. "Align to her" they said. "Align so completely to her that you merge....align to her vibration....to her energy....to what she is....align and do not ask any more questions than that." I asked 'why align'....my mind was all a flutter with questions. What was the purpose of this? Did she carry something critical to me....what exactly was the purpose? Was I supposed to keep my questions quiet, or was I supposed to be a flurry of questions? Or, as economical and spare as ever, did they simply say what was needed and little more?

Then I felt it more fully than I had felt it to that point. This is tricky...because each time a new breakthrough has been reached it made it seem as if what had come before was somehow less, but no..that was not entirely true or correct.....none of it was less....it was like my getting closer and closer to an ancient truth.....perhaps one which she had carried in her heart always....and one whose truth had been locked up inside of me and was now breaking free in a way it had never broken free before.....like a gradual opening, a remembering actually is how it has felt all along....and it seems like your heart has opened greatly yet each time the heart stretches to ten times its size and you look back and marvel over what you thought was possible....realizing there was some part of you that knew this all along and the small self is simply seeking to align to its inner core being and in so doing....align to her...

I don't know where it touched first, or what its edges were like. So strongly visual, this was a feeling and I had to feel around for it to understand it. What it did was it started a renewed process inside of me. It began to relate me to an ancient truth that I had ignored or forgot or simply had not touched upon. Its truth was so amazingly beautiful that when I touched upon it the first few times I had no way to understand it....let alone feel it. I had to feel it in small grabs or moments. Each time I would come back to it, revisiting a feeling that I realized I loved more than anything. Some part of me knew it would die for this. In fact, life after life was spent trying to find this over the last two millenia with just the stale scent of duality hanging on me.

Each time I touched this also did something else to me; my core self, my infinite, higher or godself would come forward. It was as if a small area was being made wherein he could come in and inhabit my space for a moment....for a special healing moment. I would die for this feeling of him present, too....but as he did so I became more and more at ease...more certain, more relaxed with myself, perhaps more at peace. I began to feel her breath as something so necessary....and I was aware of a space so broad yet so singular.....it felt like a space...cocoon-like...where she and I had spent forever in being so completely absorbed in the other, entranced by her beauty, her marvelous sense of grace and presence....somehow I had loved her since forever it seemed....and this part of my higher self I could not be aware of until healing was done. Is it possible, then, that we DO have a part of ourselves in a higher form that is our beloved.....a part of us that feel so close as to BE like our very being? Are we joined in marriages of soul? Where is this silent quiet still space that I yearn for....and why is it I feel this with her in this way? Is this something my core self is telling me...tellegraphing across the breadth of my heart, speaking perfectly of what it needs most.....and is now willing to do whatever necessary to get it?

In aligning to you I have aligned to my own divine nature. I have slowly begun to undo the lifetimes of loss and uncertainty and let-down. There is a love that is perfect for me, and now there is the opportunity to find and carry this love, to align and be aligned by it....to BECOME it. I can think of nothing higher nor nobler. I can think of no love more needed.....the lifetimes spent trudging, hoping, wishing, yet never finding.

Lets not let this moment pass without anchoring it to this world, like how a cocoon is married to the twig of a tree so it can hang until the caterpillar refigures itself into a butterfly. This is the soul of divine alignment......lets not be afraid to do what is necesary to bring it to fruition....

I need you near me. I miss you so...

Adventure

I wish I could lay down beside you tonight. I wish I could lay down and look out at the stars and breathe and remove myself for a moment, visiting an island inside of me, long enough for rest and relaxation, to know that the world is only crazy out there and that sanity exists within..

Little surprise thing happened as they did the last few days. This too is a test of sorts, a refining, a clarifying of purpose, finding my way. Grace remains constant ahead as I seek to become it. The hard part is enduring everything. Its hard to stand up for something when self righteousness is rampant. It no longer matters what the truth is when people are convinced of their position. Its a silly kind of thing, yet I participated in it. I pray for grace in order to remain in a place that is the highest possible.

I go to my prayer and ask for refinement, not fear or hurt or worry over loss. I assume that what happens now is in the highest....least for now.

I look at the moon on this night and I think how you must be looking at her, thinking of me, thinking of your goddess within. I so wish I could speak to you, but I also know there must be a purpose served in this. I just wish things didn't come at me with such ferocity.....yet they have been with the utmost perfection in their unfolding so I cannot complain.

Life is a great adventure...

Prepare

With every trial, every tribulation....it seems I come closer to you....
can you feel this?

There is much to do, to refine, to make more perfect for her, for the beloved whose spirit who has resided next to me since the beginning. I have missed her so badly in this dual world and have suffered in silence without her. But now I know the time is fast approaching and I must do everything I must in order to be ready for her. My life will arrange itself just as it should. Change will come fast, sometimes in fits and starts, and other times I may be left wondering....but if I obey and have faith I will only be a breath away from her.

It is time to prepare.....like whispering a prayer....like breath....constant....