Riding the lawnmower, the vibrations hummed like a thousand monks in my head, chanting a mantra to induce a state of mind. The vibration was like the drums of a hundred or a thousand shaman driving my brain towards union with the spirits, to release their souls to the cosmic. I rode this messy marvel of our world into a state of communion with something inside of me which unfolded flower-like and revealed its secrets, egged on by how the brain responds to certain frequencies of vibration. I am used to doing work on such machinery-I have heard voices and music and all manner of things through the years and through the noice of these devices. The secret to me that I needed to know more than anything was that I listen carefuly to what they were about to tell me and then feel its depth charge inside of me. "Align to her" they said. "Align so completely to her that you merge....align to her vibration....to her energy....to what she is....align and do not ask any more questions than that." I asked 'why align'....my mind was all a flutter with questions. What was the purpose of this? Did she carry something critical to me....what exactly was the purpose? Was I supposed to keep my questions quiet, or was I supposed to be a flurry of questions? Or, as economical and spare as ever, did they simply say what was needed and little more?
Then I felt it more fully than I had felt it to that point. This is tricky...because each time a new breakthrough has been reached it made it seem as if what had come before was somehow less, but no..that was not entirely true or correct.....none of it was less....it was like my getting closer and closer to an ancient truth.....perhaps one which she had carried in her heart always....and one whose truth had been locked up inside of me and was now breaking free in a way it had never broken free before.....like a gradual opening, a remembering actually is how it has felt all along....and it seems like your heart has opened greatly yet each time the heart stretches to ten times its size and you look back and marvel over what you thought was possible....realizing there was some part of you that knew this all along and the small self is simply seeking to align to its inner core being and in so doing....align to her...
I don't know where it touched first, or what its edges were like. So strongly visual, this was a feeling and I had to feel around for it to understand it. What it did was it started a renewed process inside of me. It began to relate me to an ancient truth that I had ignored or forgot or simply had not touched upon. Its truth was so amazingly beautiful that when I touched upon it the first few times I had no way to understand it....let alone feel it. I had to feel it in small grabs or moments. Each time I would come back to it, revisiting a feeling that I realized I loved more than anything. Some part of me knew it would die for this. In fact, life after life was spent trying to find this over the last two millenia with just the stale scent of duality hanging on me.
Each time I touched this also did something else to me; my core self, my infinite, higher or godself would come forward. It was as if a small area was being made wherein he could come in and inhabit my space for a moment....for a special healing moment. I would die for this feeling of him present, too....but as he did so I became more and more at ease...more certain, more relaxed with myself, perhaps more at peace. I began to feel her breath as something so necessary....and I was aware of a space so broad yet so singular.....it felt like a space...cocoon-like...where she and I had spent forever in being so completely absorbed in the other, entranced by her beauty, her marvelous sense of grace and presence....somehow I had loved her since forever it seemed....and this part of my higher self I could not be aware of until healing was done. Is it possible, then, that we DO have a part of ourselves in a higher form that is our beloved.....a part of us that feel so close as to BE like our very being? Are we joined in marriages of soul? Where is this silent quiet still space that I yearn for....and why is it I feel this with her in this way? Is this something my core self is telling me...tellegraphing across the breadth of my heart, speaking perfectly of what it needs most.....and is now willing to do whatever necessary to get it?
In aligning to you I have aligned to my own divine nature. I have slowly begun to undo the lifetimes of loss and uncertainty and let-down. There is a love that is perfect for me, and now there is the opportunity to find and carry this love, to align and be aligned by it....to BECOME it. I can think of nothing higher nor nobler. I can think of no love more needed.....the lifetimes spent trudging, hoping, wishing, yet never finding.
Lets not let this moment pass without anchoring it to this world, like how a cocoon is married to the twig of a tree so it can hang until the caterpillar refigures itself into a butterfly. This is the soul of divine alignment......lets not be afraid to do what is necesary to bring it to fruition....
I need you near me. I miss you so...
Then I felt it more fully than I had felt it to that point. This is tricky...because each time a new breakthrough has been reached it made it seem as if what had come before was somehow less, but no..that was not entirely true or correct.....none of it was less....it was like my getting closer and closer to an ancient truth.....perhaps one which she had carried in her heart always....and one whose truth had been locked up inside of me and was now breaking free in a way it had never broken free before.....like a gradual opening, a remembering actually is how it has felt all along....and it seems like your heart has opened greatly yet each time the heart stretches to ten times its size and you look back and marvel over what you thought was possible....realizing there was some part of you that knew this all along and the small self is simply seeking to align to its inner core being and in so doing....align to her...
I don't know where it touched first, or what its edges were like. So strongly visual, this was a feeling and I had to feel around for it to understand it. What it did was it started a renewed process inside of me. It began to relate me to an ancient truth that I had ignored or forgot or simply had not touched upon. Its truth was so amazingly beautiful that when I touched upon it the first few times I had no way to understand it....let alone feel it. I had to feel it in small grabs or moments. Each time I would come back to it, revisiting a feeling that I realized I loved more than anything. Some part of me knew it would die for this. In fact, life after life was spent trying to find this over the last two millenia with just the stale scent of duality hanging on me.
Each time I touched this also did something else to me; my core self, my infinite, higher or godself would come forward. It was as if a small area was being made wherein he could come in and inhabit my space for a moment....for a special healing moment. I would die for this feeling of him present, too....but as he did so I became more and more at ease...more certain, more relaxed with myself, perhaps more at peace. I began to feel her breath as something so necessary....and I was aware of a space so broad yet so singular.....it felt like a space...cocoon-like...where she and I had spent forever in being so completely absorbed in the other, entranced by her beauty, her marvelous sense of grace and presence....somehow I had loved her since forever it seemed....and this part of my higher self I could not be aware of until healing was done. Is it possible, then, that we DO have a part of ourselves in a higher form that is our beloved.....a part of us that feel so close as to BE like our very being? Are we joined in marriages of soul? Where is this silent quiet still space that I yearn for....and why is it I feel this with her in this way? Is this something my core self is telling me...tellegraphing across the breadth of my heart, speaking perfectly of what it needs most.....and is now willing to do whatever necessary to get it?
In aligning to you I have aligned to my own divine nature. I have slowly begun to undo the lifetimes of loss and uncertainty and let-down. There is a love that is perfect for me, and now there is the opportunity to find and carry this love, to align and be aligned by it....to BECOME it. I can think of nothing higher nor nobler. I can think of no love more needed.....the lifetimes spent trudging, hoping, wishing, yet never finding.
Lets not let this moment pass without anchoring it to this world, like how a cocoon is married to the twig of a tree so it can hang until the caterpillar refigures itself into a butterfly. This is the soul of divine alignment......lets not be afraid to do what is necesary to bring it to fruition....
I need you near me. I miss you so...
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