Monday, June 13, 2011

My Awakening

I thought it might be helpful to include some material about my Awakening which did not follow any pattern that can be found in any mainstream understanding of how these things are seen to stir.

I will add the usual story......maybe the person is sitting meditating, or maybe not meditating; just sitting there and something happens, maybe they turn a certain way, or maybe they think about something and suddenly there is this blast of energy that floods from root to crown.  They are lit up and they feel this powerful jolt up their core as they are blasted open.  They see the entirety of the cosmos in a grandiose way of total bliss-out.  They feel as though they have touched God, the All.  Everything they were disappeared in this place or level of awareness. I will add that a LOT of these blast experiences leaves the person picking up the pieces, trying to make sense of it.  Its a very sudden and surprising event.  Gopi Krishna, who was convinced that he had not awakened both sides of the kundalini was only struggling with his ego to the point where he thought he would go mad, a process that is often termed the "dark night" of the soul.  This is a common fixture of the Awakening experience in which the person is faced with the immensity of the Presence of the energy and all that it provides (which is itself a threat to the front and center posutre the ego has been given in this world and which creates a lot of pain and anxiety when it is moved from its rather stolid position within us--pure and simple).  Awareness goes a long way....and I am not so sure that a typical awakening of this energy is necessarily the way to go.  Waking up nice and slow seems to be a gentler way. 

I spoke recently to a family friend who has been having Awakening experiences whenever she plays music.  She had never made the connection to kundalini, but she knew this was a wonderful and beautiful experience that has changed her life.  From the sounds of it, it is limited to when she plays music.  It was a short and in passing conversation after she had come across some writing I had done on the subject. She described how this experience had changed her life, but spoke of no sudden blasts but a gentle entrance of this energy whenever she is involved in her creative work (perfect I say because the energy has ALWAYS flowed easily when I was being creative.....which suggests that this energy is itself creative, so naturally creativity is the perfect aligning tool!)  The range, then, I think is broad, and need not be limited to the lightening blast.  Perhaps it serves a purpose, but I suspect that by letting it come on slowly, it can be easier on the whole system.  I know I didn't have any of the dark nights of the soul experiences until quite a bit later.  This was due to the ego not being put in a place where the energy pressed it out of the scene a little....something that did not happen until later. For me, while the energy of the experience did create some discomfort and some relatively small dark night experiences, these were dwarfed by those events that happened later when the process accelerated and intensified, which correspondingly created more pressure on the ego self to move aside in order to facilitate this Awakening process. to the beginning of this thing....

I noticed a period of time which was marked by high strangeness.  I place my awakening moment to a simple and sublime sense of being part of a larger family of being after having spoken to a medicine man about some memories I had of another lifetime as a member of an aboriginal group here in North America.  These memories had weighted heavily on me for many years, a weight lifted, it seemed, I was lighter and began to sense something in the midst of all of this.  It was like the sweet strain of some faraway song that sounded real familiar.  I noticed that I began to have some synchronicities happening.  I felt like this was the language of the soul; this was, I thought, my soul seeking to "talk" to me through all my layers with images, events by creating these synchronicities.  I don't know if this notion was correct, but that was how it was first intuited, and it still feels correct for the most part.  I suspect though, that it was also way of illustrating our ability to manifest with this energy. 

This feeling was so sublime, so sweet, I was brought to tears.  How could I explain this?  This feeling persisted for three days.  Then, as I lay down in bed I saw four lights assemble in my inner vision, all side by side and they all shot off in different directions.  After that, the feeling left me.  At the time I thought that perhaps there was some mystical energy which had alighted in me and was leaving....that it represented the four directions of the world....

synchronicities surrounding this event....Looking back on it, I have found that for me the coming of this energy has always sparked gnosis (or knowing) in me, a feeling as though I am on to something and can't quite put it out of my mind.  This, I would learn, was how this energy would begin to integrate itself into me.  Part of it was conferring an awareness or knowing, another was how it would set up shop in me and begin to operate as a facilitator for still deeper states of bliss alongside this gnosis.

Then I began to notice a number of different phenomenon over a two or three month period.  I began to see lights projected onto the ceiling, lights that looked as though they were trying to resolve into images of some kind.  Then later I would see phosphorescent lights on the far wall at night only to find that the wall was completely covered with these purplish colored plastic bins.  If light had been on these surfaces, they would have had a purplish tint....yet they looked like they were on the concrete wall behind them.  Shining a light from a flashlight into the window I realized no car lights could have done this. Then I noticed that as I lay down to sleep I would hear distant voices.....first it was a woman's voice who sounded like she was just outside in the yard near the house. This went on for days and days.  I could never make out what she was saying, but when I mentioned hearing this voice, it went away.  It was replaced by the sound of a group of Indian men drumming and singing in the distance.  These came from a different direction.  These were always in the distance and hard to make out.  For some reason, during this time, I didn't think I was going crazy.  Perhaps having had a past life memory about a vision quest helped a good deal with my being able to approach this without fear.  None of this felt weird or scary.  It just seemed.....unusual.....but really quite benign. 

I say that I did not meditate during this time....but I did try a simple form of meditation for about a week or two that resulted in my seeing a brilliant flash of light as though someone had turned on a light real fast only to turn it back off.  I actually called out thinking someone had done just this, but there was no answer.  No one was there.

Then came the  pressure in the head. This began as a relatively discrete feeling of pressure in the third eye area.  It actually felt just like how a dime might feel when placed on the skin.  There was this feeling of pressure, however slight.  This went on for a number of days over a period of a week. Then one night as I lay there, I began to feel this pressure spread outward in bands across my head, going all the way around towards the back of my head.  This is one notable kundalini symptom that often precedes many Awakenings.  I found myself looking later at some painted images of Yogis from India who all had these bands of white and gold painted on their foreheads and realized that these corresponded exactly to the feeling I was having!  Once the sensation of pressure spread, it got stronger very fast.

It got so strong that it felt as though someone was gripping my head.  I thought someone was, energetically, gripping my head in order to awaken something in me. This would happen in the evenings as I lay down in bed.  While the feeling was intense, it never hurt.  It was alarming, and I simply lay and asked what was it that it was trying to do? 

At one point I was shown a series of images.  It was explained that I was to try to image these to the point that I would find myself there.  It was explained that by doing this I could suddenly step through a portal and find myself there.  I did this on a few occasions and found myself entering into the same state as the meditation, which is what I call wave-form awareness in which individual awareness drops away and this wave form of awareness happens.  This happens when we can stop being aware that we are aware.  This sets up a wave form of awareness that cannot have the linear particle-based form of awareness present or else it collapses the wave.  This is what is often described as "quantum collapse" and can be observed in other atomic-level phenomenon, and its very much what happens in meditation and shifting awareness from one mode or form to another. 

When this happens, I think we are tapping the larger self which our smaller self can access through this wave form (which is comfy with all other particles of consciousness around it, merging in order to create this wave form of being). Suddenly I saw the scene resolve in front of me and then as I intended to go through the portal, and the portal would collapse!  Over and over I tried this only to find that by INTENDING to do something, this form of awareness was enough to collapse the whole thing down around me!  This felt like some kind of training, but for what?   I would see several of the same images over and over; none of them were places I was familiar with, but each was very different.  One was a house where sometimes I would see someone there off to the side.  It was a contemporary layout and had a window in a corner of the house.  Nothing whatsoever seemed important or significant about this location.  Nothing felt like I was supposed to go to THAT location.  This felt very much like.....a classroom exercise, perhaps some kind of initiatory process, something that would facilitate a state of awareness for some reason. In another scene, there were a cluster of trees against a hillside. These scenes would repeat over and over as I tried to focus on each one until a portal opened up to that place (for some reason the notion of traversing space was NOT about this but rather the ability to image and then DRAW that place to me  so that I could see the doorway standing before me). All of this was while in full wakefulness but while lying down and very relaxed.  Finally I began to imagine places I had already been, and began to feel a now familiar feeling of an energy beginning to build and swirl in me.  I never went anywhere since the act of going seemed so tricky! 

Then one evening as I felt this gripping on my head, I thought what could this be and I realized that this was the third eye.  This was ALL about the third eye, so I simply said "let me see what it is for me to see" and I focused my awareness on that spot.  Then quite remarkably, I saw one single eye staring back at me first brilliant blue and then resolving into a beautiful  green as trails of energy went down from the eye in a line, or like some tracer.  It was as though this eye was burning or blazing as it looked back at me.  Someone would send me a link to a video that had the work of, I believe, Alex Grey, which was an animated illustration of how kundalini moves up through our being.  The energy was represented as these two eyes which traversed up the body.  As I looked at these eyes, they seemed so similar to the eye I saw on that night as I lay there looking ahead through my own third eye. As this eye suddenly appeared in my inner vision, I could feel my own third eye burning and opening even more.  Then the image faded away quickly and the pressure stopped.

Nothing much happened after that until I was on vacation in January.  I had a vivid dream of an unusual looking being that took in my breath and breathed back into me three times.  I was filled with a rush of this same energetic bliss that had a sexual and sensual component.  At first I was worried that maybe this being in dream had initiated or might have been controlling this experience, but clearly, things had been going on for six months prior to this. 

By this time, I was feeling a brushing tingling sensation sweeping all over my body.  It had no pattern, but it felt as though something intelligent was driving it.  At first it was a very mild sensation on the surface of my skin.  It gradually got deeper until it seemed to situate into my body in a deeper way.  Once this happened, I felt the fire of kundalini in the way that know it now which is a growing full body bliss that has been working on my system to purge itself of all sorts of stuff.  Around this time I noticed that I had been having an odd bout of intestinal distress that always resolved itself by taking some Pepto.

Once kundalini began, I had a feeling of something trying to inhabit my body.  This was very vivid in my mind.  At first I was a little freaked out.  On the one hand, this feeling was unlike anything I could ever describe, and on the other, what if this was some weird entity?  I mean.....!  Those were some of the early thoughts. Slowly, I learned to trust this thing. I learned that it meant me no harm, but that its job was to begin a process in my body.....of releasing junk, armoring.  I was aware that it would find a spot and it would kind of idle there....just waiting for me to become aware of it and let whatever it was, go.  Sometimes this might  take weeks to somehow figure out what the blockage was and let it go....and this energetic presence would just sit there at the respective chakra until I figured out just what it was that needed to be released.  I remember thinking this thing was like a giant brush fire on a prairie; it would burn away the stubble to reveal all these stones that I was to pick up, look at, recognize and then move on.  In the beginning of this, just bringing awareness to the spots that kundalini had stopped was enough to effect a release. 

As time went by and it dug deeper into my field, some things took months, even years, to resolve.  One such block that "ringed my heart" as I wrote back in February of 2006 was released in layers with the final block being released about a month ago. With its release came a very old memory, one from the middle ages. The easier layers were removed first, a lot like how one removes layers of clothes.  The harder more ingrained issues have taken a while to deal with, but with each removal I have noticed an immediate liberation of energy as the old energetic is switched, almost as if a polar shift occurs. The intensity of the energy does not change, but how it FEELS does. Pain turns to bliss.  There is a feeling of inner radiance.  Old feelings of victimization or hurt (or whatever the unresolved feeling was ) evaporates.  Something in my being "clicks" and its transformed.  The energy body feels as though its transforming into a more perfect conductor of this divine energy.

So it goes....

I think that its important to recognize the symptoms of an awakening because irregardless of what the literature has to say, there are many onsets of this energy and it does not always blast up the spine.  For those who feel this is the "best" method I think that most of these experiences tend to be momentary, fragmentary, and are the result of a powerful ego losing control for a few short seconds while the universe blasts as hard as it can into the self.  I don't think these forms of the energy represent anything that is comfortable or gentle.  Following the old modus opperandi is not always a good thing.  It is A way, but not THE way.  Unfortunately, we are all trained to pay attention to the experiences that SOUND like a kundalini awakening.  We need to learn there is a better way.  We once had women who gave birth without pain medication and often tied down!  Nowadays we use water baths, soothing music, and the woman is not tied down!  She also does not hurry out into the fields after the birth to work them!  We have come a long way, and we have a way to go yet!

These experiences are a brush with the mysterious and ineffable and beautiful.  Time to let the ego go, time to let the old shame slip away as we embrace the bliss! We have centuries of shame heaped upon what is a birthright, not a reason for shame. Surely, as the sword of bliss can be used to heal, it can be used to hurt.  So time to let the hurt go and seek only the healing.  But for as full as the eastern texts are with what is absolutely necessary in order to awaken kundalini, its quite clear that none of these prerequisites are being met;  people are awakening with no preparation, no 'nadi" purification, no special diets, breath work, or any of that.  People are also not even feeling the energy move up their spine in a blast of universal consciousness.  In fact, this phenomenon may be more troublesome and hard on the person than the gentler way I was initiated into it.  This suggests quite clearly that we still have a ways to go in learning how to understand this phenomenon and how it is initiated in the physical.  I have said before and will say again that the path through this is through love.  Love is not something the mind can contemplate the way the feeling self can. As long as we vibrate at the rate of this grand love, all troubles cease, all issues healed, and our way becomes easier.  Its much easier to embody the spirit of compassion and forgiveness than the harder egoic and mental traces that make up our history. But clearly, as more awaken, there will be more instances of experiences that defy what we think this can be or should be, or ought to be. 

There are as many ways as there are people!


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