Sunday, June 12, 2011

The New

This morning as I sat outside in the warm summer air, watching all of nature doing its thing, I began to think about my journey and about my writing.  I thought about the journey of humankind, too, and how all of it is in some way a reflection of one another.  I have some 550 typewritten pages now of a book about Awakening.  Part, a big part, is my own direct experience.  I have felt, though,  that I needed to bring in references from other traditions into this work in order to show the historical underpinnings of all of show where we have been and the pitfalls that exist in our older modes of relating to this issue surrounding Awakening to our divine natures.

Quickly I felt something rise up within me that was very familiar.  It was my core self.  It was that part of me I knew was my innermost being.  Over the span of my life I have felt this part of me rise and fall as I went about the day to day.  Sometimes it was below the waves of my being for months, even years at a time. Over and over I observed this self rise and then submerge, almost like a dolphin breaking the water long enough to take a deeper breath.  And so it has been that I have moved, silently and unconsciously, near to, but not fully in, a greater awareness of my inner being..... awareness of the divine in me, separate from all of the separation and shame and pain and anger and.....all of it!  Essentially, everything that has held me back without my even knowing it, or fully realizing it.  Slowly, over time, some part of me reached a place where I was ready to dream myself as that dolphin self, which seems so easy in those deep waters of soulfulness......happy that there was no paradox between its swimming in the very thing that was its greater being. "Yes!" this being would chirp at me, as if in some strange yet recognizable language saying "I am me, so happy to be this, and yet I feel this ocean slip past me; its so GLORIOUS!  Check it out!  Come swim with me!" 

Tearful and afraid at first, the bliss of this pulled my foot closer to the water's edge.  Inch by inch I have managed to get a toe, then a foot, then more, into those waters.  I cannot tell you what swimming in this water is like.  Its so simple, really, and until we divest all of our fears about being swallowed whole by it, we do what I have done; dipping into this ocean until finally something gives way inside and we surrender.  I was quite convinced it all sought to rip my world apart.  But in the end (which isn't really an end...) everything it dismantled was everything that was not right in me. 

I sat there, thinking about how important this core self was, how it had never really been wrong, and it was as if it began speaking to me explaining that this self has to become more important than any of my fears, worries, guilt, or shame.  "This," it explained, "is what separates you from coming into that part of you that will write this book in the way that it needs to be written.  All of your need for approval from others has thus far been steeped in this consciousness, in this need.  But this need does not  serve your higher good because you are not here to speak of the past but to do what you do best; speak of how we can build a new world in the Now and how important you have to hold this so that you do not slip into the egoic idea that you have to create a compendium of the history of this experience; you already have that and others will do quite well with it...."  and as this flowed through me, I could feel how important it is to begin with as blank a slate as we can.  For me, I knew, the only way to "deal" with something is to resolve deeply within that the love of the universe is more important than approval or the love another broken soul might give me just to tell me that I am okay.
It expressed this sense that I can't really concern myself one iota with how what I do is received.  It will be heard by those who have ears to hear.  For those who do not hear it, they are simply not ready. They wont be heathen, pagan, or godless.  Honoring the journey for each person is of vital important, for in that honor, there is love, for honor is directed by love without a thought for how it must be done.  It just is done.  No question.  Just think about how many wars have been waged because someone didn't follow someones idea of how things should go! dwelling in the past!

But wait.   A broken world loving itself?  "That sounds a lot like the old path" I thought to myself, and like a whip I could feel the thoughts resolve "Exactly.  Until you break the bondage of this old way of being, you retain aspects of shame, guilt, hurt, pain, and all the other thing that have held you hostage.  The only way to deal with this is to let it go.  Let go your need to stay steeped in that old stuff; it will do your work no good."  I found myself thinking "But what if I do all of this work and its not accepted?"  When I thought that, I knew just how backward that thinking was, and yet my mind, and ego, were searching for a way to make sense of some aspects of this.  I mean, why was I even writing all of this anyway?  Why did I feel the need to share?  To what end?
I realized that just about all work centers on dredging up the old stuff in some form or another, even though it often deals with how to heal.  Regardless of how this work is received, I needed to do it because we need to begin to work beyond what we think is possible.  There isn't much time for us to get our house straight because the past weighs upon our present, and only by changing ourselves en mass will we every hope for a better future.  "You could keep those words on your computer" this self said, running through my head.  "You could keep it there, a perfect little piece of your process, your discovery, your yearning for the race as a whole to reach this better place.....this is not an egoic act but an act of love.  You may be attached to it egoically, but I am here to burn in the hearts of every living thing as I reveal what it is I am....and what I am is you, and your neighbors, and every rock that ever tumbled down from the mountains to become the sand of the oceans.  And when you can realize what it is that I am, you to will have been transformed by such knowing"

I now have a lot of editing work to do.  I know that I am to cease being fearful of how some might views this.  I know that the power of it will be clear to those who are ready to accept it, to see in them a mirror of a sort.  I am, after all, a facet on a larger ball of awareness, and we all sparkle and shine based on the angle upon which we find ourselves on that big ball of being.  Naturally we will each be attracted to different things at different places.  So enough of this damned pretension.  And enough of seeking to steep myself in the past but to continue to plow new ground.  This is not to say it will be perfect, but somehow it feels right that our movement forward is not by looking back, no matter how comforting that impulse is.  Time to do this differently.  This means being willing to be true to ones self.  Not because I think it needs to be done but because its part and parcel of my being, which is the reason why my core self has since I was young sought to stay away from old traditions (even though some part of me was drawn to it....I KNEW there were pearls of truth there!).  So even in the midst of what has become something of a campaign on my part lately about doing research into various traditions, I have to stop that for now.

Even the book, High Priest of the Mysteries, a book about Jesus's missing years, is on hold until or unless I can write it from the heat instead of from just a historical context. In truth, any book which seeks to deal with the past can never fully know what happened if all of the facts aren't there.   There are countless books which were kept out of the King James's version for the simple fact that people who were born 300 years after Jesus's death thought that some books were better than others, or somehow more true.  Whatever I do with the personage, it wont be the real Jesus.  He will be remade, recreated in order to communicate a still deeper truth which might be of some benefit to us here.  It wont be with car chases or sex scenes, but the vitality of the indwelling spirit, burning like a wild fire that wont quit and wont be extinguished in this or any other world. 

I am not here to impress you with anything.  I am here to remind you of your own divine being resting like eggs in a nest.  Be gentle and warm them so that they will show you how your concept of "nest" is transformed by their being, by their growing as they flee from the nest to what they surely must become.  Then, what is an end is a beginning.

Come, its time for you to consider that everything that you thought, all that you treasured, is worth losing.  This new life wont ask you to give up anything that didn't serve your higher being. It wont ask you to give up anything that you do not already treasure.  But it might transform before your eyes as being something that you realized was not as beautiful as you thought it was, or might even become more beautiful as the scales drop from your eyes.  In the end, everything that you thought was important is transformed or changed by this emerging sense of self which is connected to your higher being.  Its not any mystery what this being is because you swim in its currents and eddies all the time.  We are like a dolphin who has fallen asleep and awakens to realize that she and the water are really One.  How could that be?  And in looking closer, its presence beings to burn in her and the rest is history.  Another has been claimed by the All.....which was herself all along because in her ancient lineage, she traces her being back to an original One and this One lives in her dna, in her spirit, in everything that IS including the water slipping over her as she feels first hot then cold currents peel away all the shame and hurt and guilt so that she can feel this pulsing passion move through her without any reference to right or wrong good or bad, but the single thing that is.  She is here to do just this, nothing more; to know herself again as connected to a larger unity, family, boundless in the same way that the ocean is boundless.  And in that new-found passion she will find herself creating something more divinely inspired as the world resolves into a higher vibration of awareness.

This is achieved through grace.....but forget for now all associations you have about what grace is, for it is encoded into your dna, is encoded into your soul dna.  Finding it is a choice, a constant calling, a constant and persistent yearning.  Only through this grace do we truly and deeply forgive ourselves and others for all the wrongs in the world. By overcoming this, a new world awaits.  A new ocean pulses its message into our cellular dna as some renewed sense of self begins to emerge.  It actually IS that grandiose. Simple in its grandiosity. 

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