This went on for months. I finally reconsidered that what I was experiencing wasn’t just my own past but something else. It felt like I was seeking to drain an ocean one tear at a time. This was looking impossible. So I looked into it without my self-accepted bias that this was all mine. For a time I figured if I had lived several hundred lifetimes or more there could be THAT much sadness locked up somewhere. But this. This was a horse of a different color.
I have explained how, in other posts, that the force of kundalini stirs and clears you. In doing this, the material that you have been dealing from lifetime to lifetime that has remained persistent and repetitive, is seen for what it is in a new context. This might mean you have memories from past lives, but not necessarily. What seems most central is to simply deal with this material, no matter how it is done. If a memory helps to trigger a release, then it comes into your awareness. I had had numerous incidents with guides and beings who would awaken me from a dead sleep at four in the morning and bid me to go out into the freezing night to observe something, to show me that moment when my life and the life of the cosmos, which are linked, slipped into an unfathomable synchrony as I watched the stars turn in the predawn sky click into some position with the earth and as my past came alive and like a sack, had its contents emptied like so much chaff. Like leaves blown in an autumn wind, this had become my life. I was familiar with this, knew it was the substance of my experience at least for the time being. I had assumed that the great sorrow that I felt was part of this. A catharsis. For a time, it helped to open me up like a sardine can, but after a while I found myself in the same place over and over with an endless sense of volume to this great ocean. I could feel it, sense it, see it. I was in this place without the same old limits to perception. I had the universe as an extension to my sensing. It felt into me and I felt into it. Assuming the old ways will work can tangle you up. This is where some discernment is needed. So in asking the question, I sought of it an answer.
So I asked what this was. What was returned to me was the image of a boat on the ocean. It was an ocean of sorrow. I asked if it was mine. No answer. But I need to know whose this is. It returned to me “It does not matter whose it is or its origin. Focusing on that only keeps you soaked in it. What matters is that you get through it!”
In time I realized that this was the Collective sorrow of the race which existed straddling time. It was nonlinear and borrowed not just from the past but the future also. It was not time based. This made it larger than most things in our 3-D experience, which often has a sense of limit or linearity. Not this. I also understood that the lack of answer was that an answer would not have served me and would only have led to questions which would have kept me in “it” instead of learning to move on. Yes, it was mine. As each tear drop dissolved into that great ocean, all of it was mine, some of it was mine, none of it was mine. It is ours. But we also choose to stay i sorrow in our day to day lives or we choose to get up and move on. I was still early in my awakening, and so much was falling away that I was tempted to focus on the sense of loss. This was itself an illusory form of loss because all that kundalini was stripping from me was nonessential. With ego still in play, all I could do was to focus on appearances even if I was being gifted with this sensing in the quantum world. I was in a sense like the caterpillar with one foot in one world and one foot in another. This is certainly how it all happens as I grow out of the old and into the old/ancient/forever newness of our soul self.
I realized that what I had been doing was trying to get into this ocean and somehow working through it. Doing this began to look ridiculous, like someone taking a shovel to Everest and expecting to move it by next month. So what was the answer? If it was an ocean, I needed to navigate through it, over it, and out of it. So I did. My visualizations of a boat and an oar provided the catalyst for no longer focusing on being IN the water and instead I settled on myself moving across its waters. Within a matter of a month or two, I was no encountering this sadness. I spoke to someone who had awakened about this and asked if she knew anything about this or not. She offered some suggestions, which was that it was her own sadness. the scale of it just seemed beyond any one person even in their lifetimes here. This had to be the collective ocean of sorrows.
I thought about this and wondered if anyone else had any experience with it. In perfect form, I stumbled across a book that described an ocean of sorrow in the Hindu tradition. Okay, I got it. Others wrote or spoke of this place.
The more my mind settled on it, the more was offered up. Awakening is all about alignment to energy. No one is telling you which way to go, and you are exiting out of your old way of life. I realized that for me, this was one area of the journey that was about vibrating at a different frequency. Yes I felt bliss, but there were periods of trouble. I was not there yet. More material from the etheric sheaths were falling away very fast at this stage, and I realized that this was part of it.
Some part of me was magnetized to this sadness. The crying had helped, but it had gotten out of hand. I thought somehow like I was supposed to purge it all until it became clear that this was just too much. I could see it in my third eye. It was vast. I had to navigate out of it as soon as possible. Just go. No considering what this was, no solutions sought to fix it. Just go. I’d be wrapped in knots if I stayed.
Day by day I anchored this in my awareness and performed visualizations where I would get out of the water and rest atop it in this boat which I had been using in my work to learn surrender. I had to surrender my attachment to this sadness and dip my oar in and move forward.
This part of the journey took a lot out of me. It aged me. Up until that time my system had been energized and aging effects had been slowed and healing had increased. It was time to move on. And I did. The less I looked back, the more I moved forward, the better my progress. It was after this that ego collapsed and my life was reordered and the old life was shed like the skin on a snake. My temple was torn down and the rubble was used to rebuild a new one in its place using a new paradigm. I began building a new life and getting used to what the new one offered. Bit by bit, I emerged out of those doldrums.
My advice to you is to certainly allow yourself to feel. Don’t be afraid of tears or any excess for a time. Afterall, we have lived excessively in the wrong direction for so long that the scales may swing some before balance is gained. But know when to say enough is enough and move on. You can. You are not a prisoner to the fores of awakening but a conscious participant. Let its force guide you but also know when to use your own will as well. Don’t tarry in the sea of sorrows. Its just not worth it and nothing is gained by it. The route to healing and change seems to lie along a different path.
Bows deep….
No comments:
Post a Comment