Friday, April 27, 2012

Coping With The "Fallout"

Awakening.  Look, its an adjustment. It reorders you.  You spend your life a certain way and you wake up and realize you have been living this life that was….well….a cynic would say it was a lie.  I think its a little more innocent than that….but no less “devastating” when you find ego slipping away and everything you worked so hard for dissolving.  And then it starts to get better.  Wow.  Did that even make any sense?  Reborn.  Resurrected. 
I am an artist.  I am what I make.  I AM the product as much as what I produce.  People buy into my work, but they also buy into me.  That’s a kind of appreciation that sometimes leads to adulation.  Its not always bad necessarily.  Its only hard when the ego gets into the game and revs everything up.  THEN you begin to start to believe things that just aren’t there or that are real.  There are people who love what you do, and they buy into it.  Appreciation.  Innocent. I always reigned myself in.  I was self effacing.  In truth, I didn’t value myself….and thus in a weird way I didn’t value the work by extension….and YET I was able to sell the work.  It was my life. Make the art, sell the art.  Make it, sell more….and seek to make a living as an artist and thrive.  Somewhere deep down I knew I was pushing myself out into a limelight that I didn’t completely agree with because I was doing it for all the wrong reasons.  I was doing it for approval in a place where I was not approving of myself (self love).   But it wasn’t quite right.  And when kundalini came along, boy things got difficult.  So much stopped making any sense.  
Suddenly its as though things aren’t so important.  Spirit was the thing.  HOW I lived my life as sheer art was THE thing.  Being better, seeking, digging deeper, and KNOWING that I had so much untapped potential that I was barely using left me in a state of…..feeling like what is the use?  This wasn’t hugely egoistic, though.  I recognized the creative potential had been unleashed just as the bliss had been unleashed. They were connected at deep levels.  I floated.  I grappled with all I had created and built and found myself tearing it all down in a sense, conceptually, spiritually.  I had built a house on a foundation that no longer served me.  At first, this was very hard. As ego dropped away, though, I found a new way.  I began to use creativity in a way I had not before.  I had touched upon it at certain points in my work, but because of how long it takes to develop a body of work, that afternoon flash of inspiration often meant working to develop a new body of work that could take two to five years to develop, flesh out, market, improve upon, and all the rest.  I was now waking up with not a flash but a continual abiding flame.  I used the creative as a way of dissolving blocks.  I began to channel the energies of my awakening to create in a new way, and it was all very healing.  New work began to emerge, and there was an explosion of creativity.  I had more ideas than I knew what to do with.  I could barely keep up.  Then I reached a point where I asked what’s the use?  How can I keep up with this?  I was having trouble being organized. I was encountering the empty headed state that so often happens, and is so vital in this reordering of the self and of finding authentic peace. I was still trying to work my way through all of this. I wound up feeling like I needed someone who was very practical who could supply this very no-nonsense approach so I could be free to just dream….and do what I do best, which is to birth these new ideas, forms.  I had been wearing about five different hats prior to this.  I was the maker, the studio manager, the publicist, the salesperson, the accountant.  I packed the work and made sure it got to its destination.  I taught classes.  I gave tours. I did outreach.  Good lord, how could I keep up with all of this?  I found I really like the solitary act of creating.  I am good at it.  When I can remain in that zone, all is flow. I realized I had used art as my practice….I always said I never bought into systems, but I had used the utter freedom of the creative to create this space for me to be free from ANY notion or rule about how its supposed to be done. I jealously guarded this, and my studio became like a temple where I left all worries at the door.  So in a sense, yes, this art was my inner work in a sense, combined with very real physical work and a different kind of meditative practice (I am realizing this as I type this out….) This creative work also helped to create a sense of unity within myself, one which was not dependent upon a dogma or belief system.  It helped with my awakening….and yet, I felt lost in a sea of stuff and my mind which had been idled somewhat was getting used to being more of an observer to everything as I created in a whole new way. 
I continue to grapple with this.  Its not easy.  Its not easy to sell the work or myself, but for very different reasons than before.  I esteem the work in a way I hadn’t before.  I esteem it in a more objective way.  I see its value, I see how others of a given taste are attracted and how this is all related.  And yet, somehow, it remains a bit of a challenge when what Id like to do is look out the window and hold onto this bliss and think how I can be of service to my fellow humans and to the earth in this wonderful time so full of promise, teetering on the edge of so much.  
I think that by learning how to adjust and to move forward in a new way without too much inner arguments and chaos is very positive.  Being brave in taking new steps, making new work, and not being afraid to abandon those things that sold well but that no longer serve the highest, all are part of an evolving….”formula” that is less written in stone as it is the result of constant adjustments and flexibilities that lead to a more fluid approach to a changing landscape.  
If you are going through similar kinds of things, all I can say is that the old work may no longer work.  You might be like me and feel like you just want to go live on an emerald island with fish and waves and sun and art and a simpler kind of life. I think with all that I am aware of I am wasting my gift of being an energy worker, a therapist in body work.  Its a road that remains not taken…..and perhaps its because I know that most modalities are based on someone’s take and I have little patience for systems and methods even though I know I would merely adapt any system to my own use.   I seem to crave simplicity now.  It all seems so complicated when I look  back sometimes.  I like simple.  Direct.  Authentic.  Alive.  Sometimes I feel like I am still being rewired and am constantly in a state of flux.  Whatever it is I am becoming, I like it. 24/7 bliss was hard at first….the ego could not believe such a thing was even possible….but it is.  I feel like some newer creature so full of passion and love for life, so much rich and brilliant potential as the cocoon of the past life drops away and I remind myself to not let ego make me feel sad for how much utter change has taken place.  Look forward.  Always forward.  After all, there aint no going back to Kansas.  And as I sit and feel into the enormity that lives inside of me I wonder how to make of it a life that reflects this.  Somewhere I live simply yet also live large….
I know its been a bit of a ramble, but knowing how to let go of something you have spent so much effort in developing (running a business has been an extraordinary effort….I have a friend who is a contractor and he has to make a million dollars a year before he makes his first dollar….which tells you the kind of overhead he has in his business…its almost unbelievable how much you have to do just to keep the lights on sometimes….).  Anyway.  Perhaps it will be of some help….

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