Finding It

ne of the most difficult things in doing the healing work that a Kundalini awakening demands is being able to find a “new” path to a way of being that you may not have had…..for lifetimes.  Its an opportunity to do things differently for a change.  A change. 

This is what I think of as the broken road….we lose a parent when young and never get the natural nurture we so seem to need.  Or we have an early childhood experience or environment that is somehow lacking.  To compound this, most of the more troubling issues in everyone’s lives are most often the very things that repeat from one life to another.  For me, it has meant connection to the Goddess.  That is what it ultimately has to do with deeper down, but it has manifested in other lives as being an orphan, or losing a mother in childbirth, or simply having an emotionally unavailable mother for whatever reason. We grow sticky with this karma and we attract and are attracted to those things that are not fully resolved.  And you will never be more painfully aware of these issues than when kundalini churns the depths and makes what was shoved down and out of the way rise into conscious awareness where they can’t be ignored. 

So how do we, orphans to a broken past, find the great unbroken road of the divine?

I have found a method that I suspect all wise people use when doing impossible work. The current of the divine is in each of us.  Its in each atom, every tiny little bit to the biggest bits. Threaded through the entirety of reality is this common thread….like beads held onto a necklace, we all are.  When we wake up to the presence of it, it begins to move and do its work. We are used to looking for either goddess or god outside of ourselves.  Most often, this means parents, then later our lovers, spouses and friends. But these people, all part of the broken road, wind up reflecting the same stuff as has been all along in our lives.  The Law of Attraction sees to that.  We create our reality as we go through our feelings and beliefs and then get upset at life for the seeming injustices.  It really is in all of us, and I suppose this is the only illusion I can think of that makes us believe the world is different than it is.  As you heal and change, so does the world.  the character of events, the people, and opportunities change.  I think we tend to change slowly, over years, so that we most often do not notice change.  Its a gentle and gradual progression. But when change comes fast, turbocharged through the power of an awakening, its easier I think to observe the change as it happens.  Over and over…..I will give you a material example from not so long ago…..

I had a land deal going once where I had an offer from someone that was ridiculous for how low it was.  it was easily $250,000.00 below anything approaching market value.  And you might think it was just a mistake.  It wasn’t. In the week that followed, this and other things caused me to examine why the world thought it could treat me with such lack of reverence or consideration.  It was in me.  I was attracting it.  I had to heal that glitch in me.  And sure enough, in a moment, I was shown the origin of this feeling I had carried.  it went all the way back to the 1400’s Europe. It resulted in my feeling that I was not worthy.  And so, quite obviously, if I felt that way, I would attract others who would embody that.  Moths to a particularly colored flame.  Soul searching, I asked what I had to do.  Then the release came, a moment of grace so mysterious to me, but so freeing.  The following day I received a new offer on this property that was more in line with what was fair.  I also had an issue with someone I worked with who treated me like I was less than equal.  Normally he sought to shut me down and would disregard anything that I brought to our exchanges.  After that, his actions softened noticeably.  What was also different was that I stood up for myself more.  It all served to change events in my life.  And this same principle will work in every life. 

So absent good role models….if we learn to look within, there is a world within you, a virtual universe of archetypes that all embody the broad energies of the universe.  SO name it; Shakti, Shiva, Romeo, Juliet, Quetzalcoatle, Pan, Goddess; they are all there.  Within you, within the current of the yin and yang, there is your compliment.  Two years ago I was quite surprised by the emergence of a feminine presence in my awareness.  She arose out of my nearly silent interior that is the feminine current of the kundalini force. She was the sum total of all the traits I have carried in all lives that was feminine.  And she began speaking to me.  Thing was, instead of this encounter being odd or strange, it was actually the most exquisite thing. This part of me had been buried….perhaps because I am a guy and have some issues with a woman running around inside of me.  But on that day when she spoke, all issues concerning my masculine identity in relationship to this feminine force evaporated.  Further, she served to complete the circle of my consciousness.  Everything that made me intuitive, creative, and sensitive was hers.  It wasn’t that any of these traits were divided out like how the sheep and goats are divided.  My being feels delicately interwoven like a continuous tapestry all made of pieces but existing and experienced as ONE piece.  

It wasn’t that this experience resulted in some kind of spiritualized narcissism.  This presence was  part of many lifetimes as we are ourselves carriers of the sums of our beings within each projection or lifetime.  Hard to imagine that this is true, and yet the experience with nonduality will reveal this limitlessness that is in each of us. We just filter it all out.  it has a tendency to come forward when those filters start to soften and shift.  

By reaching within, these parts of ourselves can link us to resources that can help to model new behavior. It has changed me from a defensive and withdrawn person to someone who flows with an easy sensuality and confidence. I have my days, and I am not pretending some kind of lofty perch.  In fact, I think its our insistence on people being perfect who are involved in spiritual work that is a real pitfall.  We are all human, and we need to move through life not hoping for an outcome but keeping our eyes open to what is.  Me, I simply didn’t experience these forces in me the way I did once the awakening got underway.  Some part of me got unglued from the middle part of the radio dial and got shifted into something else.  Maybe a multiband broadcast. Perhaps it was the flow of the two currents that made it more obvious….but I do know that in terms of my overall essence, nothing changed substantively.  The windows were opened, the drapes drawn back, the cobwebs swept away.  Oh, and a river ran through it. 

it is curious, though, that I found a nearly identical explanation of what happens to me when I use imagination with the awakening juice from an early christian saint whose written accounts were a dead ringer for awakening.  She even described the seven chakras as seven crystaline rooms within the self….which all got cleansed by the divine energy.  In awakening, there is so much energy, you can begin to use your imagination and intuition together in a way that will lead you to larger truths….the imagination begins to take on a character that feels as though its like a dream almost….its now being propelled by the force of the energy now and goes in certain directions over others.  Through this interesting almost waking dream work, you can watch as things unfold and knowing comes. Voices come in the night……and before you might think you were going crazy, but now the voices offer insights you might have missed. Or, in my case, offered an essence that served to heal that rift inside that was lifetimes in the making. 

This is what Krishnamurti described as “when the saints go marching OUT” which is the release of lifetimes of stuff…..Krishnamurti felt how his ancient past was emptied of all the junk so that there was a quieter and less cluttered self could exist within.  Clearing the decks, we go back to the beginning, like the first Adam and Eve.  A path back to something better and it is in us.  

After that, what we attract or mirror changes…..What would you do if you mirrored a Paradise found?  Welcome to the world of finding it.