Thursday, January 17, 2013

Seasons Turn

The seasons are part of what we are, the storms on earth are storms that brew within.  When we look out into the spring day, we feel the spring rising in us.  When the earth is quiet and bare of life, we grow quiet within ourselves.  In the movement of earth around its sun, some of us experience different degrees of seasonal change.  Some live in desert where it grows so cold at night that you would think it is winter time, yet each day gives birth fully to a warm blistering heat that bakes the sands.  Others experience mild swings in temperature and weather. Some have great storms that wash through and purify the land and the hearts of all upon it.  I think that if we did not have these changes, we might all go mad, for these things connect us to more than just the land but to the rhythmic and energetic tides that keeps us moving, evolving, growing and becoming.

So today it was known that we would get a big storm.  It had been raining for most of the day.  For the last week we have had unusually warm weather.  Spring like.  On the one hand, it feels a little out of place, but these kinds of things have a tendency to bring strong weather in the other direction.  So as the warm air that was moving through our region brought moist air, a cold front moved in and turned rain into snow.  Within just a few hours, so much snow fell that the earth was rendered into a quiet landscape of white.  Cars ceased trying to drive down the roads since it was falling so fast the snow plows could not keep up with it.  My side street steadily got deeper and deeper.  I shoveled my drive several times as the snow that I shoveled was replaced by a layer of very slick, damp, and hard packing snow.  It was a good thing to do for me at a time when my body and mind has suddenly stirred along with a deeper urging for a new kind of movement.  For so long I have felt a kind of paralysis almost, a need to remain in a stasis like position in order for this energy of awakening to do its work.  My life had been slowly and methodically been taken apart in the last few years, and I remained receptive, open to whatever it was that I needed to know or feel.  The signal lately, actually very suddenly, is that the inner self must begin to move beyond old feelings, beyond neutrality, beyond the old things I had feared.  I had been waiting for the icebergs to move of their own accord.  But now, a vibrant turning is moving in me and I feel the masculine energy beginning to move.  I had grown to fear it, did not trust it, but now a voice rises up to say that its deepest impulse was always correct and true.  It just lay like a fish deep in the depths, uncertain of its shape or form. Whatever may have clung to it, whatever hurt or pain or rage had become associated with it, it was time to stir and froth the center of the self to join in the creative process of the self remaking itself.  the quiet of the storm makes everything stand out. Thoughts still like statues.  Everything stops.  Time slows.

Branches lean down as the snow piles up.  This snow storm brought a special kind of snowfall.  Instead of light and fluffy, it was dense and hard packing.  It makes for good sledding and snowman making.  It also covers everything and silences all.  I like this kind of snow because it insulates the house and keeps it warm longer.  In my house, with its ancient boiler with giant pipes that move water through convection only, there is a giant bank of warmth in this system that run to radiators throughout this old house built during the height of the Depression.  The house is cozy in the same way that a house is cozy when there is a fire burning within.  Air fed furnaces do the job, but there is something comforting about this kind of heat.  Warm, radiant, it feels soothing.  With a cup of coffee, I sat down on cushions on the living room floor and watched a movie.  All was quiet.  Any noise was muffled by the snow.  These are the kind of days I look forward to since it is a good excuse to remain in the warm cocoon of home.  With so little happening, I look inward and feel the comforting flow of this river inside.

For days I have felt this urge to move.  the winter is like this sometimes.  Quiet, but in the quiet, a new awareness emerges.  What I was dies to what I am.  Old ideas are seen as working for the time, but shift like moon phases do.  Clear, it was just me and the divine masculine.  Feeling into my past, I saw the refrain playing out over and over again.  He was always there.  There is nothing not to trust about our natures but to see beyond the clouds that sometimes obscure it.  I am doing for me what I should have done years ago.  And yet, a tension had to build up in remaining in a static position.  Fear had not left me, small threads still wrapped through like serpentine vines, barely noticeable, not seen for what they produced in me. the fear did not always make me afraid, you see.  Sometimes it made me feel other ways.  I decided it was time to stop being afraid of what I am.  Stop playing to others expectations, or in trying to help others.  Until the fountain head was cleared so it could flow freely, I would always operate from a place of lack.  Only when I was full could others be filled simply by being inspired.  Each life, a masterwork, a masterpiece that only we can create. And here in this time, He was moving and seeking to rise.  His certainty, power, strength, surely is too much for people.  I know this. It is why I hid him away, let the dream of thunder and lightening that was my Heyoka nature ebb away.  It was here with me once, solidly positioned within.  As that phase of the moon waned, another chapter in my life began that mirrored a feeling of lack.  It was in its own way, what had to be in order to hold up a powerful enough mirror for me to see.  Until the lesson was learned, until the self finally just ran out into the street and cried "Stop!"

the difference I think now is that I do not know where it leads or what it means. I suppose it does not need to mean anything.  It just seems to need to BE.  This part, which bears fire from heaven came here for this, and my mind is in the place where it is ready to let the heavenly guide.

I think this is all of our jobs, to bear the heavenly light within us to the earth.  As the world fills up with this light, perhaps it will be enough to help usher in a new kind of day.  Or, it might just be enough to keep us all from going crazy.  I really don't know.  But I suspect that whatever it will become will be just what it had to become.  We will have created it. 

After a season of cold, the coming of Spring is so much more precious and anticipated.  Without the cold shortened days, the summer days might not seem so welcome or quite so wonderful.  So whether you live where the sun-baked days give way to cold nights, or atumn storms help to cleanse the rives, bayous and land, in all ways the changes of the earth help to mark the changes within, which surely need the tug and pull of forces larger than it to remind it that there is more, that more will always come and that this is a big world and universe and we are all turning through it, finding our way and bearing a sacred fire within our hearts. 

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