Saturday, January 12, 2013

The Journal

Last night as I lay dreaming I found myself reading the handwritten words made in a journal.  As I read, I realized that this was a letter to the person, a way to put thoughts and feelings into a form where it is recorded.  As I was reading the pages, looking at the hand that put the words down, I had the realization that this had been written by U.G. Krishnamurti, and that this journal was written after his death.  When I say this, I mean to say that after he made his transition from this life to the next, he went on to live a life not terribly unlike the one he had in physical life. It was a continuation of something.  Maybe we think that once we die, we wind up in some nebulous realm of something very very different.  And perhaps this speaks to our uncertainty about what life will be once we make this transition ourselves, but my sense is that we very much are ourselves but without the body.  We continue and use some of the things that we picked up here as a way to put things into a known context.  Like a journal, for example.  All of this, at its root, are manifestations of energy, but we assemble these energy forms into patterns and we create with these patterns.

I was struck by how the piece was written.  It was his own mind, his own thoughts, but some things had changed.  Some harder edges had been honed and the thoughts seemed clearer.  The fact that he was not addressing anyone also seemed to make a difference.  As I say that, though, I sense that even he was aware that every thought, created, is recorded, and we can all access this vast library of what Jane Roberts' trance personality Seth termed the "World View" of a person.  He described it as being like a living library of a person's inner thoughts, ideas, and perhaps work.  Most often, these existed in this library as an afterdeath journal.  Jane had dictated several of these journals during her work, one being William James and another by Cezanne as a gift to her artist husband, Rob.  These were those things that the personality felt willing to "put out there" for others to access.

I related to this because at one point this effort here was not a public one. It was anonymous, a nice quiet corner where I could record and work through what I was working through during the process of awakening.  Somehow, the writing was itself a way to dream a new way of being into being.  the curious thing about creativity is that it has the ability to break down old barriers or borders in the self, to dissolve conceptualizations that limit our thinking and awareness.  Sometimes I think we are tempted to wonder if what the person thus creating is really real, or if it is somehow a fabrication. Do we really believe in these creations, or are they just nice ideas to talk about, to bat around because we think they make us look a certain way.  Certainly we do things because we think that it is the thing to do without paying heed to the deeper voice within.  Most certainly we get caught up in things that do not serve who we are authentically.  But what is real?  What is our nature?  When you consider the great infinite nature of the higher self, this question becomes increasingly irrelevant.  I mean this because we have been so many things, so many people, so many experiences.  I sense that there is always a sense of self, of individuality no matter how much the sages say we melt into glorious nothingness upon awakening and ascending.  If you know me and what I have written, you will know that I sense that even at higher ranges of awareness, we continue a sense of individuality within that broader context.  there are things that do drive us that may not interest others.  We continue even in our higher forms to pursue fulfillment based on what interests us even if those realities are ones that when we here encounter them, seem like a vast space of cosmic awareness.

What are we, who are we?  This question continues.....not because we do not know, but perhaps because we are ever in a state of coming to it.  Even in awakening, this question, while stilled in one way is enlivened in another.  It is like we ask why we are here as we seek.  We wonder what our purpose is, and once we awaken, we touch this very still presence of our own natures deep within, and it all seems simple. We just ARE and that seems all we need to know.  It is in that knowing that the layers fall away.  We might say we need to do something and certainly there are things you can do that will help you in this journey to embodiment.  But everything that I have encountered serves one thing; knowing who you are.  Beyond the troubles, hitches and glitches.  So HOW do I get there?

Whatever works to help you to be still and know what you are is perfect.  it might be playing music, it might be meditating, it might be walking outside in nature.  It might just be not worrying about your problems and just centering your awareness on this sense of presence.  It might be that using mindfulness on a continual basis to become aware of how your mind works, how hard feelings rise and the nature of your own thought and feeling process in order to identify that the reason why you are now feeling crumpled emotionally is because as you walked through the aisles at the store you saw a product that triggered a memory from early life that was only in that moment half recognized, and because it was not fully felt and moved beyond, it is now dogging you in a kind of low level way.  Mindfulness could be useful in helping you to find where you went "wrong" or how you ended up feeling what it is you are feeling.  It may be that visualizations help to shift and change your feeling and open up for new growth and change.  It is curious how we can use tools that turn ourselves inside out and remake ourselves.  This very much was what kundalini did to me and it seems to do this to most everyone.  there is this sense of the self being torn down and being built back up again.  the image of Isis and Osiris often comes up in people's awareness because this is very much the same idea.  I had an image of sitting on the fallen foundation of an old building or temple that was myself and wondering how on earth it would ever get put back together.  the silent hand of kundalini would pass me a stone and I was, in this new place, to lay it down in a more thoughtful way.  This was an image that showed me or conditioned me for being able to be more supple, more flexible, to let old things that had not served me to go. This is like plowing up hard ground.  the self becomes more succepitble to the needs of the larger self, or to ones deeper nature which may have been denied because you somehow thought it was too crazy or weird or that you had to serve others before you served yourself or a hundred other reasons for not taking care of you first.  Maybe it just seems like we are remaking ourselves.  Maybe we are following a path or trek that has already been travelled and we are just now realizing that this is so.....that we live also outside of time but that our awareness limits our awareness of this fact so that we are surprised when we arive at the perfect place in our lives and wonder how on earth we managed to do that.  Slowly, the veils drop and we become more and more aware of just what it is that we are and the choices we may have already made.  And yet, it seems an infinity of choices were made, already have been made, and it leaves one with a dizzying sense of what is this all about.

Sshhhh! It says.  Be quiet, pay attention to what your essential being is.  The view may be cloudy or less than perfect, but keep your eyes on the prize.

I know that there is an awareness that we all have that allows us to see beyond the debris of our karmas. We can see and know the authentic self perhaps because we ourselves are not ingratiated in the karmas in that person that keeps them from seeing it themselves.  We can so easily see because the signals or noise is not the same, and yet, we may ourselves have trouble seeing our own authentic selves.  Ramana Maharshi once looked at a man after being asked how he could find God.  Maharshi has said just a moment before that he would not find it outside of himself.  So Maharshi gazed at him, his soul speaking without words to this mans own soul.  A reminder, a moment of presence that, on that day served to awaken him.  He was not, just a few moment prior, pleased with Maharshi's insistence that he wasn't going to find it from a guru or from some teaching.  He was looking outward, you see. 

So maybe we just keep our gaze centered on ourselves without expectation of what we will find, but to be quiet and know, to open the universe up in the only real way we will ever know, which is within.  By bearing our own seemingly hidden knowing, we learn to come by a knowing that is beyond all thought or deed. It becomes just what is, perhaps has always been simply because while we are here enmeshed in time, we also exist outside of it.  Whatever it is we think we need to do, has already been done.  In finding this part of ourselves that exist in this place of no-time, a seed is planted, or is germinated where our personalities bloom in the light of what this larger self is. Ineffable, how can anyone describe or explain it properly?  We can say it is the most marvelous thing, the most miraculous moment, sheer bliss.  We can only know it when we are ready to know it, and yet every moment exists trembling with powerful potential for us to realize things that we here would perhaps think incredible.  Yet it is so simple, this key that unlocks us from our old conceptualizations and notions of what we were or have been.  We each know what we are, and many of us have hidden that self under a bushel or lain piles of concerns that never served us while we turned to lives that never really fully satisfied this deeper knowing of being.

So much now is turning back to what Is wordless, and it gets hard to even put words to paper anymore.  What I have to do is what I have to do, to realize beyond this illusion of what seemed.  I lay in bed in the morning, perhaps the bst time for me to do this realization.  Here, I am quiet and feeling.  I am not focused outward but inward.  I am resting in the sea of all I am right now.  I can feel what is missing in me, what SEEMS to be missing, but is only an effect of my awareness.  I can feel my heart, which feels like a pair of lungs, gasping for air.  I ask myself, why does my energy body feel like it is gasping?  I know it is a lack of life force energy, that even now as I am more full then I have ever been, it is still not where my essential self knows itself in its natural state.  I feel into that and I know that I am divided from the feminine energy that moves through me as surely as the masculine does.  I reflect on how this must have effected my behavior in this life and others.  I consider that all of this, this simple little division in the yin and yang, the positive and negative, has played out in myriad ways. I know that I must swim for all I am worth to feel into this part in order to bring the circuit into a fuller sense of connection within.  This, for me, is by allowing myself to feel.  This is the right brain, the right side of my body, the cool, the night, the feminine, the womb, the compassion, the flow.  I searched through my feelings and felt this thing where in some lives I believed I was just male.  I was certainly this, but the universe is composed of this yin and yang in order to fuel it. But in this focus I had, it lost some of what it needed in order to complete. It wasn't that this aspect made him more feminine, it just made him a closer mirror of what or who he was in his larger aspect of being.  His own larger self was composed of a vibration of energy that had a blending of aspects and qualities, and as he sought lifetime after lifetime what this great secret was, he pondered why he felt the way he did.  It is in every single particle, and it is the key and lock that allows energy to flow.  The two energies touch and a third energy arises from their union, which is a sense of transcendent bliss.  It is a gift, and learning to hold onto it and nurture it, is the guru within.  We might not even know what comes next or how to work through the mass of material, but kundalini remains quiet, soft-spoken, yet powerful too.  It waits for the moment when we are ready to reach that next stage of realization, as layer by layer, our vision becomes clearer and more refined.  Something stirs within and the universe serves to manifest in perfect timing just what we need while also bearing the marks of what we have yet to know more fully.  So inch by inch, yard by yard, we move through these layers of realization.  I don't know hat comes next, but in not trying to let my mind work on that problem, I am more open to the universe bringing me something that I may not have even been able to dream of before.  It is this part that perhaps seems like the part where we make ourselves into something different.....yet in a way we are, but only in becoming what we truly are.  By not being confused by what my inner rifts and fractures are trying to tell me, I seek to keep my eyes on what this deeper sense is telling me.  Sometimes, it is beyond my comprehension.....but I think this is the magnum opus being brought to bear.

Our bodies are mirrors, a double-lobed being, bipedal.  We have two brains that carry very different aspects of our expression and experience.  Each align according to this energy as physical representations or expressions of this cosmic bi-poled energetic reality of who and what we are.  When the two brains, the left and right can work together, they can create something greater than the sum of their parts.  

So saying this, it is all so personal.  How can I say to you what will work or what has value?  Only you will know this.  Only you can work through this.  I am more compelled to begin writing in a journal that I keep by my bedside than ever before. And maybe what we are ready to publish we will lay on another shelf, signaling to the universe that we are done with that chapter and are on to the next.  Perhaps we then read the journals of light of others to ponder what another pondered, yet what we each find is our very own as the nucleus of a larger life seeking to rise in awareness in this world as heaven and earth are each wedded to the other.  In that moment, the realization is, heaven never was in some far flung place beyond death, but right here, waiting for us to slip the key into the locks so that we may open to what we are. 

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