Friday, January 11, 2013

To No End

We really are fascinating creatures in some ways.  I find that over the course of a number of years, that I have found many different ways to process old stored and blocked energy, and each has worked very well for the time. In fact, I was aware of this energy in me as being like this ball of energy that had intelligence to it and within its essence there was something that was changing incredibly rapidly.....

No, that's not exactly it.  Imagine a ball of energy that has across its surface watery ripples that are always changing, never the same once. Or perhaps a ball of energy with endless images moving across its surface.....but the inner form is just this pure consciousness. What I felt this energy as is the Creator, something I just could not entirely know but that I was aware was itself aware of everything and the images dancing across its surface were all the things it was aware of.  In truth, it was aware of everything....and everything could not register in a mental image, but the idea of this thing moving endlessly, always changing, entirely in flux on the one hand, but steady and in a kind of deep repose all at the same time was the forward edge of this thing I would encounter in my awareness.  In five years or so, the image has shifted somewhat, but not greatly.  I sense or know that what I see in this way is an incredibly shorthand form for something that is likely hard to know.

The idea came flooding in as I stoked the wood stove a moment ago that perhaps what I am experiencing is itself the god of me.  As this popped into awareness, I resisted a bit because what I had been sensing so long has seemed so certainly like the creator.....but as I let go of all that I have thought I have known, this germ of an idea or thought itself bloomed as I came up the stairs.  And as I think about it, it makes some sense to me now.  Which leads me to this whole changing kaleidoscope of experience.

Along one leg of the journey, working closely with the awareness of the energy as an unseen hand in my life was the image that I used to help me to know what remained to be done.  This hand would hold itself into a posture of waiting, of blessing, and I knew that it was saying "I am here at the next thing that needs to be cleared; you now need to recognize this block, feel it, and then let it go."  This worked very well in the beginning.  It was a visualization that served to match what I was feeling.  It was like a symbol for something deeper.  Then, a little later, there was no hand.  One time it would be felt as water cleansing a center, and this would work for that instance, but by the next clearing, it was on to something else, as though there was this sense that for each thing, there was something different that had to be used to match where I was.  Each time, the energy within felt different.  It was like this ever changing form that was always the same, yet shifting in quality and appearance.  Perhaps it was me who was changing as I disrobed from the past things.  Perhaps it felt differently because some part of me had been returned to a clearer space.  The landscape in the beginning changed so rapidly.  Now it deepens.  Now I am quieter, more reflective on issues that now have fewer images and more sense of being with the energy that flows from its source.  I am reminded of a dream I had just as kundalini was first stirring of seeing this creek (my dream symbol for my spirit) that led to its source, which was where I was headed.  the water sparkled, was amazing to look at because it was part water, part liquid light.  It had these sparks of color shooting through it, images almost, but so pure and brilliant I could not help but take off my shoes and stand knee-deep in its waters as that water lapped around my legs and moved up my body.  I had no idea what this water was, except that it was connected to me and was amazing.

I have been going back to that image, back to the very first experiences of the stirring of this energy for in those stirrings were some very clear things that got harder to see so clearly as the knots or blocks in my field became more apparent and obscured, I think, this presence which was marvelous, clear, and amazing.  It felt like the garden of my soul, and it is there that I seek to dwell.  Something in us so yearns for this place that it drives us along even though sometimes we can seem more like we are kicking and screaming all in the midst of dream.

One moment breath work is perfect for what needs doing.  Another moment, a wonderful visualization of the higher self and lower self being integrated in a vast double spiral that move inward and outward, the solar plexus and heart balancing these two forces in the moment where in the crucible of our will and out divine love, all is transmuted.  In yet another moment, the most perfect methods is revealed in simply meditating on the higher self without any expectation of anything. Something emerges out of that method so effortlessly I wondered how that could be.  The giant within just smiles and nods for me to keep moving, poking and prodding me further.  then an ancient form of a thunder bird emerges and I know, there is something here, and its result is entirely unexpected.  the old is made new again in the moment. forms within forms, all taking shape, offering up a nugget of something, then dissolving back into a sea of potentiality.  How wonderful we must be, how alive, breathing in life, breathing out creation.  Each moment filled with wonderful possibility.  All along, higher self guiding smaller self, smaller self feeling as deeply as it can, praying for grace, feeling into grace, so hungry for what it knows it is.  A spiral without end.

What we will be, what we will find, as long as we are brave enough to build on all that has come before, considering the impossible as highly probable, but working this in ways that had not even been considered before, and yet each moment, so different from the next as form upon forms rises and falls, giving hints and clues as step by step, we go deep into the vast ocean of ourselves.  Each time, some part we held sacred is undone as the folly of ego is seen in an ever refining way.  I don't know where this leads, but I know that every sign points to something perfect and wonderful and more me than I could perhaps have ever dreamed.  But the moment I pause to consider this, something pushes me gently but persistently and I know there is another peak to reach, another lost stone to kiss and return to the ocean so it may tumble and roll and become sand for some ancient desert that will one day bear a great river touching its ultimate source.

I dream of this, hold to it, wish and want for it.  I see myself standing on hot desert sand which gives way to a river long in flowing, which touches upon the ocean and flows out into it in one eternal embrace that is not quite one or the other but so much more.  And it is here that roses of the desert bloom and the sky reveals the infinite mystery that is our own revelation dreaming itself.....

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