Surrender To My Nature

The process was far from gracefilled.....every issue was highlighted, brought to the fore, larger than life very often (and perhaps out of true proportion....mice became dragons...). Why was it so hard to let go? Energies, beings, more, hounded me. I was the victim which had fallen prey to all of this, wasn't I. I knew that was not true. I had made this...but how was I going to get out of it? You said to simply surrender and I said I did not know what that was. I didn't. When had I ever experienced surrender in a manner that was beneficial to my heart and soul? Somewhere inside of even the most unsurrendered of us there lies the knowing and the need to become this. Surrender is the path to our bliss....or it has been to this.

I had a thorn in me from my first year of life; it was everpresent but I had been unable to fully plumb it. Leading me down to those waters, feeling me through it you and I found it was not quite what I thought it was. It wasn't anger. It was hurt. So far back I had almost no memory....but the heart can lead us there. Having plumbed my emotions it was as if some wellspring of emotion had been tapped. Everyday I would feel a range of emotion I had not felt before. I felt shook loose from something. The heart center felt discomfort it had not felt before. Like barnacles surrounding it, I yearned to have my chest popped hard, stepped on....anything to break up what felt like a calcification in my heart. I knew this was just a way of tellgraphing to my consciouss mind what the nature of the problem was. I had material that simply was no longer necessary. Old stuff that insulated me from the world, and from myself. Goddess, warm and liquid you helped me slip through the hard spots, facilitating what I was unsure about or simply blind to.

Letting go happened with intention, and intention set into motion events of another order. A being, luminous and larger, appeared after dreaming reached into my heart center. When he did this several things happened all at once: I felt a current move through me that was the most powerful and pure form of bliss I could not imagine how anyone could feel something that wonderful. As he reached into my chest he said calmly but very business-like, "You are much more beautiful without this" and he pulled something out of me that felt like a skin....except it slipped out from the inside of me....almost like a wet suit had been pulled out from my insides. I was able to see something that resembled a flayed skin but dark and being pulled out from my heart up through my throat. It was pulled out and he said he was going to take it to Source to show it for some reason....he admonished that I should not go back and pick whatever that body was back up. After he did this, I could see my heart light up and looked just like something that was a cross between a peony and a lotus. It was very much lotus like except it had MANY more petals....and the flower was white and the petal edges were tinged with golden light. He explained that what I had felt was me and it was the universe. I also saw that the lotus which was my heart had another one behind it. Was this Beloved? In what only took seconds I saw a board with cantaloupe and an egg in its shell as well as two cans of something I could not make out....I had the distinct impression that these were foods I was to eat before and following my fast. I would later find that both the eggs and cantaloupe show up in the dietary section of the site Physiology of Kundalini which helps support the body during the process of integrating kundalini. He explained that he would be there if I needed him...I only need say his name. I would feel his presence from time to time during meditations and other less disruptive moments. He told me his name, that he was Seraphim. I looked up his name and found that an image I had seen the night before presaged his coming; I was standing in the studio and saw in my mind's eye a set of very large angel wings over 20 feet tall. They filled the building.

Later during hard times as severe pain body flaired up or I felt raw sexual energy too strongly and could not get away from it, I would go out into nature and would find that I could surrender best while there. I often had to lay completely prone on the ground. I found that I would get pieces of the same bliss from when the angel reached into my chest....Often just by touching flower petals I would be sent into a state of surrender and bliss by such a touch as that. I remember stroking the flowers of a chestnut tree and feeling the bliss run through me. Was nature itself surrendered? Perhaps. Perhaps nature did not have any negative connotations for me and was thus a blank slate. Maybe I could sense the ecstatic energy inherent in nature.....a pure flow of energy...or was I grounding my own energy and surrogating with nature? What I have learned since is the ability to tap deeper wellsprings of this energy and that when it goes through the lense of our own distortions, it turns from pleasure into pain.....and if not fully pain, then something we take as pleasure never having known any better when its a tense and tight version of that.....and THAT would never pass muster. When all the right ingredients have been brought to the table then the dish is served with the right mix of spice and sweet, the right dash of sour and hot, as well as a good deep earthy flavor which helps to support the lighter flavors of the kundal force, life force....

Surrender was piece by piece. In the midst of kundalini I would learn to relax deep and let go....even though my adrenaline gland was going overdrive and making me feel like I wanted to fight or fly! Gradually I learned to let go more and more and feel this state where I had simply let go. Talking to you, learning how you dealt with it helped me to understand it because I did feel that bit by bit I was learning to turn the anxiety into bliss....how was this? Whatsmore, the more I felt into this bliss the more I would feel you, as if you were already there. The more I let go, the more I could feel you...the more you came into view. Then one day, while reading an online book called Siva's Triadic Heart, I experienced something just before I read it on the page; it was being explained how the root connects upwards to the heart center and how love pours like a fountain out of the heart into the root and throughout the body energy system. Divine energy would come in through the heart and then would go down to the root where it would shoot upwards to the heart and top of head. This channel was like the channel the male would fill in the woman as channel and channel traveler became one. What happened was like a gentle lightening bolt running through me....a moment of intense bliss. The glow stayed close and another intense moment came while working. It caused my head to go back almost as if having been jerked back by the force of an increase in velocity. This was pure ecstasy. It would take some time to realize that this was something inside of me, something that I could tap....that it was mine to tap....my potential.

With every contraction there would come a depth charge of information from my core...deeper and deeper I drove into it.....and each time some new message would be sent before I fell into a painbody state....by realizing or touching upon my life purpose the process sped along and I am now still dealing with some issues that need to be dealt with but they are easier and I am much more trusting of the process; its so important to trust that the soul, once set upon this road, will get you there. To love you I have had to surrender so much, to give up so much....but it was nothing that I ever needed. What I gave up was the debris of my life, the outer rings of my life. This process seems to clear or cleanse our lives of what was not necessary. Deeper and deeper I went, reaching into my core and seeing and feeling what it broadcast to me each time, a peek into what I would become. I began to realize my life had been made up of so much that was unecessary. Further, this debris had insulated me from life. I was less clear....and now, clearing my field, I could feel and see energy so much better than before....I was also finding that I was sensing more clearly/THings began to build and old stuff was shed. In one case I could feel myself vibrate much like a large bell vibrates as something old fell away. You had spoken of how perhaps you needed to speak your feelings more to me. It was then that I realized that you did not mention this much, and just feeling that, I realized that I was needed.....somehow it came to roost in a way it had not before....or it sunk in in a way it had not before. After that I felt lighter and the energy grew more consistant. I began to feel the orgasmic energy I had felt in my heart center, except I felt it all through me in a way I had not felt it before.

Ultimately you have to get out of your mind and get into your feelings, into your core. Being willing to be ready to feel an incredible flow of bliss is a plus, too.
I found that old relationships changed....people who had a certain stance in my life went away or changed. The old ropes that held us in tight containment were now no longer there. In some cases it created anger in people. Tests came after new territory was covered. Being able to not beat yourself up too much is just as important as moving forward succesfully. Be compassionate with yourself; this will innevitably lead to self love of a calibre you may never have experienced before but might leave you wondering how you ever lived without it so consciously and so abundantly.