Alchemy

Kundalini is an alchemical process, no doubt about it, and perhaps is the only real alchemy....a refining of the self, a stirring of the soul. I, like others, have discovered the importance of surrender. I began at a somewhat base level in many ways, a square one, and began to move up from there. The person who was my counterpart showed up in just the way I probably needed karmically....all the while I was feeling as though the universe was bringing me this experience and person to me for me to learn from. What I had done I think was to short circuit my own decision making ability by thinking the universe was doing this to me, something larger, and felt like I should not be asking questions too much. Be obedient, follow. And yet, there were some real problems with this situation that I could not reconcile. For me, this was about refining, of breaking free of old strictures, or old karma, and dissolving those bonds through intent. It was time for further refining and it was clear....in retrospect....that given the conditions that further refining would not progress much more than it had then due to the limits of belief and faith. When this process began it was subtle as well as sudden.

I found that by beginning to dissolve the bonds between others whom I had connected with that my energy was free to continue to change and a more paid rate of change was underway. During my almost three-year experience with kundalini I felt my chakras open from root to just before the heart. This all happened within about amonth and then stopped once the energy reached my heart. Some aspects of my heart energy opened up....but it never really went beyond the heart. I had some third eye experiences just before the kundalini began in earnest such as a feeling as though someone was trying to crush my head with their hands by sqaueezing hard.....something I later learned was more about the third eye opening. Looking at some of the Hindu and Vedic imagery I was able to see the same bands that I felt go across my forehead and to my third eye. I was lucky to come into contact and correspondence with someone who has changed my life and helped to bring me back to myself. I know now that we were fated in a manner of speaking to be here in this place in time to do good work. Because the energetics were much higher in pitch or vibration my own process was kick started in a way it may have never happened otherwise. This person had had kundalini since a young child and from the beginning I was aware of a avery strong presence which slowly came into view as we moved along in our friendship and correspondence.

Kundalini is not just a cosmic energy. It has a physiological fingerprint which involves revving up the endochrine system. Adrenaline is the chief element which enlivens the body but it also wreaks havoc on your flight or fight response. The lesson has been how to subsume the adrenaline, to transmute it not into edgyness but into a bliss which leads to greater levels of energetic union. I found that over and over I had to sit relaxed as I could feel my adrenals going crazy. Eventually I found that I could change the feeling from something hard to something easy.

The role that trauma plays cannot be downplayed in the alchemy of the soul and heart. I had experienced some profound alienation from my family as a result of a step father who sought to seperate me out from the rest of the family and to treat me as though I were different. There was physical abuse as well, nothing my step father would have thought was out of the ordinary for his background, but which helped to seal the deal that I was going to become reclusive. It turns out I had harbored a feeling in my heart field which made it very difficult to begin letting go of these feelings I had kept holding onto all these years. With the expert help of my beloved she was able to fish around inside of me and help to identify things in my field. I found for instance that the anger I felt in me around my mother was not anger at all but was hurt. Thing was, life would not have been any different; she would have done the same thing had she to do it again. So first being able to understand what it was was feeling was key. It also had the effect of opening up my heart center bit by bit. Because beloved is a someone with very clear and strong gifts psychicaly, she was able to tap into my field and assist me in understanding what was wrong with me. This has improved my relationship with my Mother in that I no longer carry buried hurt or resentment or missunderstood feelings. I think that I see things a little more for what they are instead of what they were perceived as. This does not magically make the world a better place, no, but it did supply me with a little more clearer view of my life. Soon after this happened beloved tapped into my energy field again and began to experience some excruciating pain from the pain body....during this time, though, I was experiencing just the opposite. I felt something lift off of me so clearly that I wondered what on earth was going on. I could feel all kinds of odd energetics happening inside of me. When she wrote to me I had the distinct impression that she had taken my pain body onto herself. I may be wrong on this one point, but this was how it felt at the time. This moment acted for me as a kind of rebooting of my spiritual computer.....when I came back online I was feeling the worst pain in my body I have felt in years; the pain body. Something she had done...perhaps lifting it for a moment, was what did it. From then on out, I was keenly aware of the painbody. It became part of my mission to try to eliminate it from y experience forever. It felt as though I wanted someone to come step on my heart center and grind their foot in hard to my heart center in order to break up the crusty hardened energy there. It was a bit like having a mote of concrete or stone around my heart. Through beloved's prescription for beginning to do energy work to loosen my meridians and become unblocked, I found that this practice of Qi Gung put me in a place of discomfort initially but later I began feeling much better as I felt years of negative postures drop away.

This was a time that marked a change in my life. This was a much more serious and studied effort toward refinement. This was not easy for me. It seems I had allowed myself to become locked into my mind, my intellect, instead of being heart-centered. I had become ego-centric and unable to surrender. Somewhere I had managed to allow my intuitive and sensitive side to wash away like tears in rain. Still sensitive, perhaps exageratedly so, kundalini had me in a vice grip and I struggled with the newfound intensity of it with my beloved. She was mirroring and catalyzing so much inside of me. I felt like a babe in the woods. Things were happening pretty fast. I was feeling better with the energy work and moved quickly to stamp out my smoking habit I had picked up the previous year after having quit some time before that. When this happened, something quite odd took place. I found that I experienced a raw sexual energy much stronger than I had before. Not just that but I was aware that it was coming from someone with whom I had some amount of connection with. I hadn't even thought of it as anything involved, but somehow I had glommed onto this person's energy....and it was not good. In fact, that energy was the energy of addiction. In this case it expressed itself as sexual addiction. I had never felt this problem before but I suspect I had enough trauma from my childhood to bring that up in my field as a possibility. Perhaps the experience with kundalini and quitting smoking was just enough to fire up the addiction. I later learned that we can trade addictions.....and this was where I began to learn a lot about how addiction works. I could not break free from the grip of this energy. It had me in a grip so strong....a part of me wanted out but apparently a subconscious part of me did not. Over time I was able to resolve this issue but only through continual prayer and meditation. Being able to simply drop the energy was the first step in recovering from this odd episode. I think that the turning point was when I began to feel love within the energetics of the experience that things began to change. Until I was able to clear myself of these issues, I would simply be wrestling a 400 lb boa constrictor instead of walking in grace hand in hand with the kundalini force and my beloved. In fact, through this process I would sequester myself from her for fear of doing something incorrect or out of balance.

It was at this point that I began to be aware of beings in my field. One who announced himself in name showed me the potential my heart had by reaching in and taking out what looked like a dead body out of my heart center. This was akin to something like a flayed skin....a husk actually. When this angelic being did this, I could feel my meridians more clearly. I could feel spots just below my shoulders and which felt like were at the tips of my lungs which felt much clearer. My beloved remarked that this was perhaps where my wings would attach were I to have them and she was right....that WAS hwere they might be if I had them. Huh. I would wind up trying to pick this old dead body back up a few times while removing the body myself a few times. The angelic being had also shown me my potential by touching my heart and when he did this he released something that was so blissful, so wonderful I could not imagine feeling it for much longer than a few seconds.....and yet I knew I needed this energy more than anything. He explained that what I had felt was the love inside of me which was also the love of the universe, of Source, of God-dess. Further, I was aware of my heart center being mirrored by another identical image of what looked like....for lack of a better description a cross between a white peony and a lotus. Think lotus with way more petals....like a peony, and rimmed in gold. This was what my heart center looked like to me as this being reached into me. He also communicated what I should be eating in preperation for my fast. It turns out that those foods were foods mentioned on the website The Physiology of Kundalini. I found oddly that when I ate cantaloupe that the negative aspects of the kundalini adrenal response were greatly softened. It was also a great excuse to eat cantaloupe which was just then in season. I had also been shown an egg in its shell as another food that was important to me going forward. Eggs, as it turns out are full of vitamins and has a form of protein that is easily digestible. My gut was in bad shape and so I went through a fast. Beloved sent me gifts in preperation for my fasting time and one of the strongest feelings of surrender came over me with this angelic being being very close to me all the while.

A month later while laying in bed I was aware of this same angelic being explaining to me the role that sexual energy plays in the god-dess experience, that I had to begin to work with my energy, that they were doing things to me to help this energy heal and unfold within me. Not long after this I was visited by a goddess presence who explained or coached me in a process involving sacred sexuality. I was alone but was in the grip of some incredibly powerful energy which felt like liquid opium in my body. I was instructed to move the energy through my body, and through the clear voice of this woman whom I knew worked closely with my beloved, she helped me raise my energy higher and higher. She explained ina avery no nonsense fashion how this energy in me was so necessary, that the energetics in me were being changed, enhanced. I found that in self pleasure that the energy was no longer raw but had taken on a feeling of liquid fire, of a passion so strong yet so healthy that I knew that this was nothing short of alchemy....the altering of the body and he energy body to facilitate ever greater potentials for energetic union. This was what I thought of as laying the roadbed or creating the channels through which this new energy could flow. Truth be told, I had never felt anything like this before. This made regular sex just that; common or regular. I had had experience with what kundalini could do to my libido or how it would supercharge my feelings of sensuality or passion, but this experience laid the groundwork for something that when my intent was carefully balanced allowed for an experience that was unparralleled. Nothing could compare to it.