The Kiss

There is a way of kissing which is first across the miles
where energetically, magnetically,
I am able to reach you
feel you
fill you with my intention
as you flow over into me.

This kiss is foremost built on an ache.
This ache is the same ache that Source
felt when trembling on the verge of creation....
there is a strain of agony in it....but its easier
when you know you will give in to it like fresh soil
pulled away from the river bank.
You can feel the tug and pull but its more than just that.
In the heart center it begins,
always centered there
it moves all through me
striking a divine cord in me
but one that is so sensual as to be disbelieved.

My heart kisses your heart. My heart center, like lips
reaches to yours. Through the gateway of the heart
infinity rests in great ease
as I feel you within it built with the same ache
need
wish
hope
desire
For as my lips meet yours
achingly slow
always this way
savored
not teased
savored
slowly
quietly
reverently
passionately....
My lips meet yours
lightly
not hard
lightly.....
and the nerve endings in your lips
are sparked with the undercurrent
of my energy
as we move through each other
amazed at what can be achieved
if we just let go....
we can be conduits for something larger....
and its not hard to do....its deceptively easy....
but the heart must be the king and queen in order
for union to reign.

When I kiss you this way
I kiss all of you.
My lips travel all through you
and reach those secret places
hidden
but accessible
asking to be touched
known
from heart to hips
hands to head
from the nape of your neck
to the shallow of your back
I would kiss you
invisibly
all on the inside
if you but will let me
give in to me
allow me
just one kiss on the outside
of you....

After endless moments of this
the kiss is drawn closer
and lips are touching more deeply
its necessary now for that to be this way.....
and as that happens
my hand goes around your shoulder in an embrace
as my lungs breathe you in
as I hope for something I have not yet experienced
which is like breaking the surface of the water....

I know I could kiss you always.
It would be divine just to do that.
Two lips
joined
in prayer
our words spoken
benedictions
entreaties
questions
already known
but breathless
new
paradigms shifting
new ways uncovered
breath me into you
as I breath you into me
I need you
I need you.

just
don't
be
afraid
to
let
me
kiss
you
like
this....

Pilgrim

In definitive tone
he speaks
I listen
frightened somewhat
he never says anything gentle
but challenges every step of the way.
"She is everything, the whole world."
How do I live up to that?
"Align to her purpose and no other, this is how it must be."
I feel her passion move through
me like pearls of thunder
striking me to my core
and opening me up.
I know his words are true
for divine passion
multiplies in his presence
and worlds of possibility come into rich focus.

Not long ago he spoke saying
"You must love her no matter what; no matter
whether she returns it or honors or aligns with it.
If this love is to be what it is in me, then you must do this
for the love is truly unconditional."

I know without a doubt that were my life perfect I would still
be standing by the rivers edge
like a pilgrim
praying to the All
on his way Home
breathlessly trying to capture your breath
or plumb your heart
or gaze deeply into you.
It does not change things, though,
for we come at this with the same need
and hope
yet do not always understand why it is here.
I will step over wisdoms to reach the trembling lips
gasping breath
grasping hands
and tender hearted moments
just to get to my love...
even then.
Moreso then.

Physical things for physical creatures....
we need comfort and a place to feel protected.
I understand this, honor it. But just now
I am not convinced it is for my soul
for what I am headed inside.
I'd rather sleep bare under a wide starry sky uncertain
of where I go next
but certain about my compass
and passion.
A lesser self in me would have chosen the first door
just to be safe
but my infinite
launches itself out into the world
and bids me follow.
You have helped give me back myself
with more dividends returning daily.....
I can never properly thank you.
And while it seems suicide
or crazy or worse
I know what my insides tell me
and it feels like leaping into
the breach
with out visible signs of support.
Perhaps I am simply mad
and its multiplied at the higher levels....
I am not stranger to what it is I feel.
I know while it does not feel like my voice
it is still my voice....deeper still than this one.

I know this probably makes little sense to you
I have wanted so badly for you to be for me
as I would have been for you
and yet perhaps as you have said
this is something that has not been before
so it WILL seem strange and different....
and so I set my ear soul-wise
to listen to what he will say to me,
speaking of no-condition while expanding
my body's ability to experience divine passion
until I feel bliss and sensuality like gentle a
gentle rain.....laced with opium
making me ask what's the point if I cannot have the object of
my desire, yearning, and love.
"Trust" is all that soul says
and I know I will
reaching a little further into a great mystery
and turning my love from something that wanted to
something that IS.

Taken

I would that you would take me.
I have spoken and you have heeded
in ways you have even spoken
I don't know the right way
I only know the way to you
Only you know the way upwards
and to the place of ultimate bliss
and desire

I have not known such pearls of
passion peeling off from my godself
dropping down into me
lighting me up
carrying me into levels where I have not been.
She has reminded me over and over what I am capable of.
Its not enough that I surrender
it is not enough that I give these hands to you
in service of her greatness
in what I must become so aligned to
that I must be in constant service to
what I came here to carry over the threshold
from one age to another
as I see my soul married to something
someone
I have always known.

I dont always understand
the mind is bewildered
I want the heart to aborb it all
and hungrily ask for more
search for more
and wind up at her stoop
searching
eyes like searchlights
into all that she is
knowing it could frighten her
yet I know of no other way.....
how can I show you I mean you no harm?
How can I show you just how loving this heart
can be
how gentle this hand will be?

How can I whisper your name and have you feel it move all through you?

If you draw near
in sudden expectation
yearning
I promise I would never take advantage
but would give joy
by smiling and treating you like a queen.
When I have wanted to be near you
I have kept myself at a distance.
I did not feel like I was ready
or refined
or perfect.

Now I know that within my surrender
and in my heart
are all the things that I need
and that you ache for.
Something in you must be removed
I yearn to remove it
but would never do so not until it is time.
But in a sense my hand has been upon the edges of its thin veiled fabric
for its not a thing exactly
but a feeling
expressed symbolically
thus is not tied to time and space
but is mine to remove
has been removed already
as your soul was ready from the begining
we simply have to align our smaller selves to the larger
and let fall the layers which serve to give us pain.
Will my yearning hurt you?
Will my yearning pressure you?
Will my yearning awaken you?
Will my yearning heal you?
Will my yearning open you to
your fertile nature even more?

I follow and talk to that which speaks to me
carries me
beseaches me to serve its rich possibility.
Take my hands
for my hands will reach into you.
Look in my eyes
for my eyes will penetrate deeply
touching that source point
quietly, gently, lovingly....
but never ever forced-something in me knows what you need
but is always ready to step back as I ask you
let me feel your breath
for its all that I need
your exhale
my inhale.

I will remind you of all that you are;
this alone is a great gift.
Kisses the palm of her hand deeply....

Mirroring the Divine

So is it possible that the goddess in me mirrors and connects just as the masculine does.....in direct proportion to you....which is that part that allows me to surrender because surrender was never easy for me I don't think and as a result it was hard to catch on to what surrender would do for me in this process...I was always used to being the initiating energy and now I take a back seat while something larger steps forward more and more inside of me....and while I am still there its more like I am looking at the map while driving but I am not the one who is driving....and I do not want to drive because something in me drives the divine in me just fine....IS that being and I am merely learning, a student really to this larger self.....and yet inside of me something must give way to something larger, more than me.....and I must lay aside my desire to control or ability to do so....as if some sliver of it in me lets it come shining through in this. Hmm. I can feel goddess of you all through me and the pulse of life with its calm gentle presence driving this higher....

They call it shaktipat but I think I have suspected its about tuning others....its not so exotic is it? Consciousness bends itself, shapes itself...flows into larger forms.....gives up itself yet finds itself....swims in the water...becomes the water and finds itself as water redeemed, awakened....thankyou Source for giving individuality as inviolate. Everyone wants to obliterate ego and sense of self in order to sink into that larger sea. But we do it regardless.......gifted with indivduality is our greatest gift. Its what gave us awareness of ourselves beyond the body of the Source....which ached to give us distance from it enough so that it may look into us, through us....we flow into the other....Source and Gifted of Source winding back into itself like so many mirrors shining the infinite into itself. Just like when I look into you, do you know I see into forever? This little piece.....this little piece of Now like in a dream but real....trembling wet and cold waiting for the warming presence to fill us.....so its a great gift Source smiles saying yes, you have it.....its so subtle really. Don't obliterate.....just keep growing more and more....seeking further out beyond what you think is real or understood and follow the bliss, we make it up as we go along directed by a vibration which is the very soul of creation in us.

Pearls
like thunder
lightening in my soul
striking so deep
lifting out the flotsam
jetsam
clearing me
refining
until like honey
the bits of wax
burn away.

This bliss goes deep
cracks us open
surrendered to the great All
take my hand, hold gently
as a great mystery moves through us
I can love you with just a look
just a look
fertile worlds emerge
lush and abundant
we become more
fusing into something more
a collaboration
musicians
bringing their versions
into one version.
I am not afraid of losing myself in you
for I will merge so fully into you
creating the sacred third
maintaining myself
flowing back into the ancient rivers of my soul
pushing all this way
flowing for millenia
reaching this place just now
all the time, changing.....
folding unfolding
come....
lets go run in the surf
as the gentle presence comes turning down spinning like a top
pressing itself into our soft fleshy world
of possibility
and innocence.

Lets just let the angle of intention be the mover....
I get you, you get me.....we reach into apexes
with our awareness....with our hearts....will you touch mine....
its a simple experiment
safe
pearls of bliss
orgasmicaly understated....
I turn into sunfire and desert sand
and stone and a million other forms
aching to know itself as itself
down through time
carrying this masculine mantle
for this purpose
this one single kiss.
One kiss.
Come be this kiss with me......
and I will return you to you when you need it
refreshed and alive....leaning into the possibility of what
we can become.
We become koans.

Sea Of Honey

You feel divine tonight....

Thank you Kate Bush for touching this and writing it so I can share it in its opulent sensuality. The music part, it so stretches out long and languidly.....as everything turns to gold and rust.....

Sunset
by Kate Bush


Could be honeycomb
In a sea of honey
A sky of honey
Whose shadow, long and low
Is slipping out of wet clothes?
And changes into
The most beautiful
Iridescent blue

Who knows who wrote that song of Summer
That blackbirds sing at dusk
This is a song of colour
Where sands sing in crimson, red and rust
Then climb into bed and turn to dust

Every sleepy light
Must say goodbye
To the day before it dies
In a sea of honey
A sky of honey
Keep us close to your heart
So if the skies stay dark
We may live on in
Comets and stars

Who knows who wrote that song of Summer
That blackbirds sing at dusk
This is a song of colour
Where sands sing in crimson, red and rust
Then climb into bed and turn to dust
Who knows who wrote that song of Summer
That blackbirds sing at dusk
This is a song of colour
Where sands sing in crimson, red and rust
Then climb into bed and turn to dust

Chorus :
Oh sing of summer and a sunset
And sing for us, so that we may remember
The day writes the words right across the sky
They go all the way up to the top of the night

-------

so climb into bed and turn to dust......and sing for us so that we may remember....
oh my, yes.

We Become Panoramic

Tonight I'd like very much for you to come with me.....so easy to do the way that we are deep down....how mastering this Presence which is an energy as old as the universe, older yet.....as old as creation....IS creation....and it beams its presence through us....so refined its hardly noticed....except its so incredibly noticable....and as it builds in our inner capacity to hold it as its iceberg reveals itself I whisper to you that maybe its time to let it reveal itself in its greater entirety....I can feel your face smile even though I cannot see it......as we become panoramic....

So here is the song I so want you to hear because of its soft nebulic supernovas bursting like citrus cells and the sensual movement of jelly fish and shimmering lighted creatures as they make their way through the night ocean.....you are missing the music part....but soon it will be with you and you can see how well this one fits into it all....did she know?

Kate Bush
Nocturn

On this Midsummer night
Everyone is sleeping
We go driving into the moonlight

Could be in a dream
Our clothes are on the beach
These prints of our feet
Lead right up to the sea
No one, no one is here
No one, no one is here
We stand in the Atlantic
We become panoramic

We tire of the city
We tire of it all
We long for just that something more

Could be in a dream
Our clothes are on the beach
These prints of our feet
Lead right up to the sea
No one, no one is here
No one, no one is here
We stand in the Atlantic
We become panoramic

The stars are caught in our hair
The stars are on our fingers
A veil of diamond dust
Just reach up and touch it
The sky's above our heads
The sea's around our legs
In milky, silky water
We swim further and further
We dive down… We dive down

A diamond night, a diamond sea
and a diamond sky…

We dive deeper and deeper
We dive deeper and deeper
Could be we are here
Could be in a dream
It came up on the horizon
Rising and rising
In a sea of honey, a sky of honey
A sea of honey, a sky of honey

Look at the light, all the time it's a changing
Look at the light, climbing up the aerial
Bright, white coming alive jumping off the aerial
All the time it's a changing, like now…
All the time it's a changing, like then again…
All the time it's a changing
And all the dreamers are waking.

-------------------------

Thank-you Kate Bush....

Imagination

Einstein said it was more important than knowledge....I think its true. Pathagoras, when he went to petition the Mystery School in Egypt, was turned away. They were not interested in knowledge. The greatest mind of his day turned away repeatedly. They told him that if he was to have a chance to enter their halls he would need to fast and breath a certain way. They were much more interested in experience.

He had to lighten his being.

Imagination does this lightening fast, or can. Brain scans show how imagining a body state will begin to mimic it. No wait, no mimic....not mimic...if you think it, so shall you be, right?

Imagination is the single most important tool for change, and yet in our world its often looked upon as some unwieldy unreal thing....too mutable....too much like quicksilver to make any sense maybe. And yet, its the very currency which makes nations great. In the U.S. freedoms have allowed the imagination to run wild and wild things have emerged as a result. Wild in a good way...mostly.

Imagination unlocks your potential and kundalini fuels it, making it into a visionary tunnel, to create or blaze pathways to other ideas, making connections which helps to knit our lives or world into a new pattern. By allowing the divine in with the imagination as the gateway to realization, truly great things can happen.

So don't sell your imagination short. Let it roam as wild and free as you can let it. And, bumping up against your larger self, you might just discover something important for you in the moment. Imagination is the gateway to realization.

SO when I think of you, I am not just imagining....I am, but I am also tapping something real in the process....and the truth is, anything we imagine becomes real. it might not be real as the chair is real, but retains its place and shape. So when I think of you and keep my mind on you I can feel my insides change their vibration to a much more beneficial one, one where I can feel my core being move forward, and this core being knows you very well. So through the simple mechanism of imagination, some intention, and focus, I find myself moving into a new place.
With a spring in my step....

dream

Sometimes dreams have been heralds for some new movement within. They can presage deeper knowing or material as it begins to perculate upwards.

I was dreaming that I was doing something....I was helping some people in my work. This was very much based on what has been going on in the day to day. What was different was that as I walked across a parking lot, I skipped and wound up jumping a good 50 feet into the air as if my step suddenly unleashed incredible energy....so much so that I wondered if my bones could handle the impact. I could feel my body as it began to twist in the dark air above all the lamplights. I was very careful about this because it seemed I could unleash this boundless energy in my step with the slightest bit of intention. I found myself shooting ever higher into the air. Imagine jumping up and then realizing you have just gone beyond the highest point where you normally can expect to jump into the air and then you exceed that distance by a factor of ten or more.....

Did I mention just how weighted down I have felt the last few days in my day to day? Oppressively so. So these dreams are like a gift from another part of me, signaling a deeper change inside, a very encouraging thing our innerself can do for its other parts.

These dreams have come at various stages in the process, and have always been very beneficial. In one dream I was lying on the ground and felt myself lifting off the ground. I lifted off the ground through surrender....I didn't know what surrender was abck then, but I know now that the dream was showing me this...relating information from other parts of me. I liked the feeling of lifting off the ground so much in the dream that I would meditate on that feeling while awake. Just by thinking ourselves lighter do we begin to catalyze change within us ina powerful way. A week or two before that dream I dreamed I was being born....literally reborn in the body of goddess....and looked on the inside walls of her womb as arteries became like sacred graffiti....and just having that dream felt as though it was signaling something important even if at the time I didn't feel like I had made substantive progress. We might still need to do all the other things we did before to help make the change inside, but perhaps we have another tool, a new method or means of shepherding that change within us. Likewise does it seems I need to think as vividly as I can about how it felt to spring upwards so energetically as I did in that dream......maybe a little joke that I need to get the spring back in my step....

....and in this case its a very big spring.

Tools

Use every tool available to you. You must, I think. Use diet, use sleep, use lack of sleep, use lack of diet (fasting), use rest and use high energy exercise, use music piped in over headphones, use silence, use your own voice in making music piped in from your innermost core. Be alone in nature....nature was very important in helping me tap the love inside of me. Use water, or lack of water....take steam baths and have a message....have accupunture or do energy work like Qi Gong or yoga or.....and breathe in deep through your nose and exhale deep. Think of your energy body as breathing just as your physical body does....think about the books you have read and be ready to toss out what they have offered or embrace them as the need arises. The need can arise in so many different ways and serving the Process is what counts in my book. Being able to consider that some of what you have carried has not served you, was part of your hurt and thus clung to as a result of the pain in you at some point in the journey....not that its bad or undesirable....no....more like someone who missunderstood something basic....no fault to be laid or fingers to point....but until that hurt is healed in you, you will be kept in its vibration which is very often hurt and pain. Kundalini will burn it out of you just as long as it needs....and the longer you hold, the longer it burns...so approach with humility and set aside your pride...all of it....for it will not serve surrender as it should.....least it hasn't for me. While you are at it, examine what angers you, what hooks you in its talons; likely its what keeps you from further refinement. Many speak of reaching a place where they needed little....and perhaps there is a place where we can feel the forces of the universe, in the universe, yet do not need to be so controlled by them or affected by them. Like Taisen Deshimuru said, the sands of all the deserts begin to slip through your hands....

Know your core. This is what, for me, this is all about; becoming the ME within the shell built up over this lifetime and which contains memory or connection to all the other stories or lives. This represents the breaking of a cycle, and to do this I know that my small self does not have the tools but my infinite or core being does.
Listen to your intuition. Only you will know if and when you are ready for some new step....although some of my biggest strides were after beloved said "I see you are probably not ready for this next step...." so there is that. I think we just have to decide that we want to cross that river and can do so amazingly quick if we just resolve to do it....and when its done its not something you even need think about. Don't be afraid to pat yourself on the back some, and loving yourself I think is key.

Its funny that something so expansive, so elegantly put togeher would be so incredibly simple.....simple to get to and simple to be within. The problem we have, or that I have is that I complicate things sometimes. Everything has to be a trudge. No, no it does not. In fact, it seems at least for now that this is about learning how to make it easier by aligning with my innermost core being and letting that part come into the world and help make things easier (it felt like a cheat at first....but the really easy stuff....sometimes it feels like cheating...gotta get over that knee jerk thing...). In that innermost core being is a love that is stronger than anything. It makes no apologies for being what it is and I have sought to hold to it once I found it like so much flotsam and jetsam in my life until I have gathered enough of it to begin to make sense of this new world where the war is over and its time to pick myself up and begin to learn the ways of the New Man. The core is always the guide as the love forms and informs behavior. The clay of self is being reformed, literally, like clay is reformed. Some layers have to simply be removed and these fall away with energetic thrummings as the inner body vibrates like a bell being struck. You may feel this...you may not. What's important is that what is no longer necessary is removed or allowed to drop away in the face of this love inside, and doing so in a healthy way....and know that the path to healthy might not always be the cleanest but its important that you try and just be persistant...and persistance more than anything else is key...not genius nor skill nor any of the rest. Its scary at first because it feels like a death, or did seem so for me, at least in the beginning. So much gathered around you for so long has served to protect and shield. Its time to be vulnerable because its only in that vulnerability that the greatest light can shine. By falling back over the chasm without so much as a rope to catch you you tell the multiverse you trust something larger. This is my lesson and I speak it so I can hear it again. It is like a mantra amongst many.

I was so covered over that I could not feel my own pain. Goddess in physical form lifted it out of me and seemed to wear it for a short period of time.....it seemed this way....because when it was placed back on I began to feel its sharp grinding pain in my heart center like never before. Pain exists so that we we learn to cease feeling it. If it stays too long we numb to it. I was numb to it I am sure. But we cleave to energy bodies like we do to layers of clothing. We think the dirty smelly things which have never been taken off and examined are good for us because of how they protect us. Sometimes, though, in the midst of protecction, we can become insulated from the quieter parts of ourselves, the more understated yet very strong parts of ourselves. Of course it would make sense that those critical parts might be the first to get covered over. They are like a voice from another world.....our core....and I for one yearn to bring that core to the fore and anchor it here in my world. I know that as I do this I feel layers fall away as I feel.....more childlike....more like I was when young. Perhaps when I had fewer layers on. I like how that feels. I am not afraid to say I crave him; the clearest and most beautiful parts of me spring from him. But understanding him is also important and the pain he encountered there in his life and how his neeed is echoed in my life today. What we do not resolve from then we are destined to repeat. We will marry our parents until we realize what it is that we felt deficient in, or needed, or wanted....even subconsciously...and its perhaps that that need is no longer relevant but resides within us until we look at it swaurely and forgive it, or sorgive ourselves for feeling that or wanting that. Its okay, we are all human, and its that humaness that is often so beautiful.

When I run short of methods or wise words I do what is perhaps the most useful; I say I wish to be close to my core being.....that I wish for the layers to drop away, for me to learn to surrender....and if I cannot surrender then pray to be healed of the innability to surrender. Surrender is falling backwards into the chasm and trusting in the supportive nature of the cosmos to not just take care of you but assist you in prospering in your highest. You don't need to know how it works. You don't need to take it apart in your mind. All you need is to adore it beyond all else and to seek it from your heart....even if you don't know what the heart feels like. Something inside of you is waiting to emerge and by giving it some intention, some space to Be, then it gets closer to being able to become a reality. All good things can take some time and some not so good things take some time to undo sometimes simply because they have become so habitual. SO be easy on yourself. Loving yourself.....is so important because the measure of that love will be echoed in your soul and it will be what you will begin to attract....instead of the older patterns that may have been unresolved. Its time to lay those things aside and pick up the New Man and the New Woman. We so need this in this time. It is the gentle revolution which is spreading outward like the rays of the rising sun spreading out through the grass, bubbling up through the cracks in the ground and bringing a new life with it.

Just tell yourself that you have everything you need and that perhaps there is something in you which clings to things that do not make it as beautiful as they could be otherwise....and that so much can be attained through letting go of expectation, worry, fear of loss.....and channel in you this wonder and joy. It will attract new people...people who crave this same thing and who will begin to bring in a new vibration in this wonderfully serendipitous way. Knowing that time is largely illusory in the sense that our souls do not reside in a state of time and thus we have access to all that we could be, and are. By doing this, by the realization that we already ARE healed, that we are already at the finished point (not the end)we can begin to learn and be impressed by what is in us to become known in this time. By doing this we can reverse so much of what has transpired in this past age and move forward in a constructive way into another. It feels a bit like a cheat, but I think the truth is our world yearns for such a cheat to become widespread, to open up to our eternal potentials and bring into this world the audacious idea that we can do way more than we ever dreamed possible by letting a tiny fraction of what we truly are into this world. The angels of our greater being will help us enormously. I say this mostly to myself because this is what I need most to bear in mind at this time. I have no clue how I will get there.....and perhaps its not a there at all but a simple recognition, and angle of desire, a willingness to surrender as a fire so divine so fine begins to propagate through me.......

I have this feeling.....and its that we often feel like in order to make real change happen we need to make grand gestures in the world. Don't get me wrong; these are important because they remind us of what's better in us or important. But I have a feeling that if we could make a subtle change, a small change in many many many people, even if its small, it would result in significant change in the world. And maybe if we all took care of our own little corner of our lives then the world would be a better place. You hear this a lot and it sounds kind of trite but I think its true. Finding the mechanism by which this change can take place is perhaps the key to such a broad move, a subtle move. I think it would be marvelous if the world just quietly and subtley changed.....and we hardly noticed except that now books were being written about the sheer depth of love that we now seem able to feel, how physicists are moved to discover something that brings a better way of doing things or of understanding the way the universe works....and maybe more people in priestly robes would soften their words and talk about this love which is so liberating, so empowering... and politicans would even change a tad....well who knows really. And I am just dreaming. For now, though, I have plenty of work to do in my own inner garden. The great thing is that I know its there and that the soil is rich and some seeds are already peeking up out of the ground alread showing great promise and that some of that promise will begin to ooze out around the garden gate and which speaks quietly of a love so great its almost unbelievable if you haven't gotten a chance to feel it for yourself....and the secret is, its all inside of you....

More than anything trust your instincts. We make this as we go.

Together

Put me back together
the right way.

Osiris-like, I lay scattered
unable to gather purpose
into anything meaningful.
I am awakened by the sound
of the ocean lapping against
the scattering of my essence.


But your fingertips
like your lips
your hips
your lips....
your hips
oh god can you feel it
as it propogates
just a touch
your fingertips
they enervate the surface of my skin
and plunge deep inside of me
like something deep in you owns me
becomes me
knows me
intimately
and that purposeful presence
draws together my pieces
as I am placed
reminded
awakened
and reflected
in your eyes.

Standing by the waters edge
I feel your presence near me
bringing me to an ancient memory
standing outside of time
and drawing me closer to its truth.

Touch

Come,
wont you just let me touch your cheek
a graze so delicate
so gentle
like wind really
yet yearning and desiring so much....
a restlesness to this wind which has been blowing for millenia....

Feel this yearning gathering us about its purpose
to bring to fruition an alchemy of the soul.
I wish to blow like gentle wind all through you
and leave not one place untouched.
From the inside out
and outside in
feel my presence as it makes fertile
what it touches; awakening, quickening....
Please, may I enter your hallways
and blow back your curtains and veils
to reveal that which I ache to know
in this age
in this time
in this place
in this world...
my gentle breezes will be like a revelation
as its movement will be felt all through you
and into you.
I know you like none other
and need you like no other.
I can give you the lost map to your soul.
I know these things well
even though these hands have never touched nor known you
in this life.
Such a poverty!

Come for me
come for me please
waiting
hoping
yearning...
but come for the map also.

Surrender To My Nature

The process was far from gracefilled.....every issue was highlighted, brought to the fore, larger than life very often (and perhaps out of true proportion....mice became dragons...). Why was it so hard to let go? Energies, beings, more, hounded me. I was the victim which had fallen prey to all of this, wasn't I. I knew that was not true. I had made this...but how was I going to get out of it? You said to simply surrender and I said I did not know what that was. I didn't. When had I ever experienced surrender in a manner that was beneficial to my heart and soul? Somewhere inside of even the most unsurrendered of us there lies the knowing and the need to become this. Surrender is the path to our bliss....or it has been to this.

I had a thorn in me from my first year of life; it was everpresent but I had been unable to fully plumb it. Leading me down to those waters, feeling me through it you and I found it was not quite what I thought it was. It wasn't anger. It was hurt. So far back I had almost no memory....but the heart can lead us there. Having plumbed my emotions it was as if some wellspring of emotion had been tapped. Everyday I would feel a range of emotion I had not felt before. I felt shook loose from something. The heart center felt discomfort it had not felt before. Like barnacles surrounding it, I yearned to have my chest popped hard, stepped on....anything to break up what felt like a calcification in my heart. I knew this was just a way of tellgraphing to my consciouss mind what the nature of the problem was. I had material that simply was no longer necessary. Old stuff that insulated me from the world, and from myself. Goddess, warm and liquid you helped me slip through the hard spots, facilitating what I was unsure about or simply blind to.

Letting go happened with intention, and intention set into motion events of another order. A being, luminous and larger, appeared after dreaming reached into my heart center. When he did this several things happened all at once: I felt a current move through me that was the most powerful and pure form of bliss I could not imagine how anyone could feel something that wonderful. As he reached into my chest he said calmly but very business-like, "You are much more beautiful without this" and he pulled something out of me that felt like a skin....except it slipped out from the inside of me....almost like a wet suit had been pulled out from my insides. I was able to see something that resembled a flayed skin but dark and being pulled out from my heart up through my throat. It was pulled out and he said he was going to take it to Source to show it for some reason....he admonished that I should not go back and pick whatever that body was back up. After he did this, I could see my heart light up and looked just like something that was a cross between a peony and a lotus. It was very much lotus like except it had MANY more petals....and the flower was white and the petal edges were tinged with golden light. He explained that what I had felt was me and it was the universe. I also saw that the lotus which was my heart had another one behind it. Was this Beloved? In what only took seconds I saw a board with cantaloupe and an egg in its shell as well as two cans of something I could not make out....I had the distinct impression that these were foods I was to eat before and following my fast. I would later find that both the eggs and cantaloupe show up in the dietary section of the site Physiology of Kundalini which helps support the body during the process of integrating kundalini. He explained that he would be there if I needed him...I only need say his name. I would feel his presence from time to time during meditations and other less disruptive moments. He told me his name, that he was Seraphim. I looked up his name and found that an image I had seen the night before presaged his coming; I was standing in the studio and saw in my mind's eye a set of very large angel wings over 20 feet tall. They filled the building.

Later during hard times as severe pain body flaired up or I felt raw sexual energy too strongly and could not get away from it, I would go out into nature and would find that I could surrender best while there. I often had to lay completely prone on the ground. I found that I would get pieces of the same bliss from when the angel reached into my chest....Often just by touching flower petals I would be sent into a state of surrender and bliss by such a touch as that. I remember stroking the flowers of a chestnut tree and feeling the bliss run through me. Was nature itself surrendered? Perhaps. Perhaps nature did not have any negative connotations for me and was thus a blank slate. Maybe I could sense the ecstatic energy inherent in nature.....a pure flow of energy...or was I grounding my own energy and surrogating with nature? What I have learned since is the ability to tap deeper wellsprings of this energy and that when it goes through the lense of our own distortions, it turns from pleasure into pain.....and if not fully pain, then something we take as pleasure never having known any better when its a tense and tight version of that.....and THAT would never pass muster. When all the right ingredients have been brought to the table then the dish is served with the right mix of spice and sweet, the right dash of sour and hot, as well as a good deep earthy flavor which helps to support the lighter flavors of the kundal force, life force....

Surrender was piece by piece. In the midst of kundalini I would learn to relax deep and let go....even though my adrenaline gland was going overdrive and making me feel like I wanted to fight or fly! Gradually I learned to let go more and more and feel this state where I had simply let go. Talking to you, learning how you dealt with it helped me to understand it because I did feel that bit by bit I was learning to turn the anxiety into bliss....how was this? Whatsmore, the more I felt into this bliss the more I would feel you, as if you were already there. The more I let go, the more I could feel you...the more you came into view. Then one day, while reading an online book called Siva's Triadic Heart, I experienced something just before I read it on the page; it was being explained how the root connects upwards to the heart center and how love pours like a fountain out of the heart into the root and throughout the body energy system. Divine energy would come in through the heart and then would go down to the root where it would shoot upwards to the heart and top of head. This channel was like the channel the male would fill in the woman as channel and channel traveler became one. What happened was like a gentle lightening bolt running through me....a moment of intense bliss. The glow stayed close and another intense moment came while working. It caused my head to go back almost as if having been jerked back by the force of an increase in velocity. This was pure ecstasy. It would take some time to realize that this was something inside of me, something that I could tap....that it was mine to tap....my potential.

With every contraction there would come a depth charge of information from my core...deeper and deeper I drove into it.....and each time some new message would be sent before I fell into a painbody state....by realizing or touching upon my life purpose the process sped along and I am now still dealing with some issues that need to be dealt with but they are easier and I am much more trusting of the process; its so important to trust that the soul, once set upon this road, will get you there. To love you I have had to surrender so much, to give up so much....but it was nothing that I ever needed. What I gave up was the debris of my life, the outer rings of my life. This process seems to clear or cleanse our lives of what was not necessary. Deeper and deeper I went, reaching into my core and seeing and feeling what it broadcast to me each time, a peek into what I would become. I began to realize my life had been made up of so much that was unecessary. Further, this debris had insulated me from life. I was less clear....and now, clearing my field, I could feel and see energy so much better than before....I was also finding that I was sensing more clearly/THings began to build and old stuff was shed. In one case I could feel myself vibrate much like a large bell vibrates as something old fell away. You had spoken of how perhaps you needed to speak your feelings more to me. It was then that I realized that you did not mention this much, and just feeling that, I realized that I was needed.....somehow it came to roost in a way it had not before....or it sunk in in a way it had not before. After that I felt lighter and the energy grew more consistant. I began to feel the orgasmic energy I had felt in my heart center, except I felt it all through me in a way I had not felt it before.

Ultimately you have to get out of your mind and get into your feelings, into your core. Being willing to be ready to feel an incredible flow of bliss is a plus, too.
I found that old relationships changed....people who had a certain stance in my life went away or changed. The old ropes that held us in tight containment were now no longer there. In some cases it created anger in people. Tests came after new territory was covered. Being able to not beat yourself up too much is just as important as moving forward succesfully. Be compassionate with yourself; this will innevitably lead to self love of a calibre you may never have experienced before but might leave you wondering how you ever lived without it so consciously and so abundantly.

Within

Within you lies
new life
yearning to emerge.
Something in you pulls me out of myself
and into you
divine seeking divine
so uncomplicated
I thought it was harder than this
I am just me
some force draws something out in you
mystic soul meets mystic soul
and magik results
as you nurture a great life
within you....

Home Field

Within us,
and within nature
lie secrets....
about the boundlesness of creation
about forms delivered, emerged, teased from the force
by those larger than itself but smaller, too.
Divinity revealed
within the twisted strands of our evolutionary coding
and buried in every particle since the beginning
with the innate propensity to become.
We have emerged as through dream.
What worlds do we birth as we dream?

I wont argue over the course it has taken
the masterwork seen at so close a vantagepoint
and will instead center upon my purpose.
We each contribute to a ressonant field
which is changing how we will be.
Everything in me cries out that
the secret become manifest in the mundane
in each moment
whether grand or common
its all made gracefilled and divine
by how we anchor it in this world.
Its not enough for me to lift off into
worlds etherial.
Lets bring down heaven and tie it to earth
so she may know her lover,
so their union becomes our union
and we know ourselves in our larger forms.

The world will still be what it was
yet shall be utterly transformed...
for we will be changed
this revolution of soul
contained in a drop
spreading outward like light upon the grass.

Let us, like children
enter into that kingdom
here on earth
buried within us...
we need not see duality ever the same again
when masculine and feminine stand side by side
enthroned within their larger purposes
easy in their natures
ready to simply be in such simplicity
that they inherit the infinite.

Thousands of years of alchemy
the slow adjustments made
each turning around destinies scattered
through countless lifetimes
it has wound its way to this
as Thunder speaks,
"The Great Wheel has come full turn."

I think we each do our part and see what we can see
and do what we can do...
knowing there is no end to what we can see and do
and always seek the divine gracefilled moment
so that our larger selves transmit themselves
to our smaller selves
and divine inspiration becomes a flow
not just waves crashing against our shores.
You have revealled to me what it can become
so it begins right here with you and I
as we open ourselves to our core being
and allow the infinite bliss flow into this moment
as lips caress lips and breath feeds breath
as the world wakes up to itself bit by bit
from the inside out.
The world lies like some caress seeking itself
unfolding with an ache to be known;
come hold my hand as we run with the enthusiasm of children
discovering new worlds.
Oh please; I can think of none other I'd want to discover it with
than you.

Voice

This Voice
your voice
my voice
the message sent
received
no other
has heard
these words
new territory
traversed
only the voice
remains.

I chose you
above all others.
I sought you
and no other.
Singular
you are
to my heart
and soul.

No one shares
nor knows
the feeling my words have
vibrant boundaries
endings
folded into beginnnings
something in me
seeking you
unfolding your wonderworld
I will touch you
like sunlight caressing
the flower
and bids it open.

The Angle of Your Desire

I lean into you
feeling the angle of your desire
sensuality
like flowers dripping with dew
What you are has given me innumerable gifts
the greatest is a desire that becomes vapor-like
shakes me to my core
reinvents me
recreates me
Osiris-like
seeking that lost portion
and finding All

Let my body be the temple
of desire
rich and abundant
driving like rain
slicker than lightening
and unstoppable
yet incredibly yielding.

My hands could become like thousands
of sensors
or I could be as reserved as a boy in sunday school.
If I could be near you
achingly close
yet proper and understated
I would still place my foot next to yours
underneath the table
and feel my insides pull you into me
like water through a gorge
or a lover laughing in a meadow.
My hands, like the earth,
feeling every inch of your stretching self
as I pay homage to your beauty
to your watery soul
dreaming in boundlesness
awakening pregnant
with possibility
so willing to be taken
or given
or whispered just upon my lips
as you slip through my hands
as I feel you rush through.

We fertile ones,
our bodies become one with rock leaf and star
mysteries propagate in the clutch of our
presence
as my gaze penetrates
and your smile gives birth to worlds
as simple as our essence made one
or many.

Being Love

I have viewed love through the narrow confines of a tellescope turned backwards. Its good for a laugh maybe now but looking back on it I don't know there was any other way given that this greater love was not touched upon. I think it glimmers in our being....perhaps too diffuse to know what it is at some points in our lives yet I think we are all drawn by the certainty of its compass....we are lucky, oh so lucky if we can be pure and simple enough as to experience this love.....

My inner self, my core self, my infinite being, my overself or my godself last came forward and explained just how strong the love he feels....which is less a feeling as it is a state of being. Its less that he searches for love as he IS love. And in being love wants and desires are revised like pages in a book, given an entirely new slant or meaning. If you have this love swelling within you, its abundance undeniable, this core self explains that the love will begin to mirror what is in you, beloved, our own process will spark the other. This singular alignment to an ideal is about love, but a love that is so much more than what I experienced just a few short years ago..... about what I am in larger scales and learning how to anchor this here now. This love which was revealed to me by an angel was not something I thought I could hold for long....it simply felt too wonderful.....and needing it more than anything else, I have begun to pursue it. Rome was not built in a day nor was this. And yet, change comes, and I embrace this change. Why is change so hard? What is it about our souls that resist such change and feels as though kundalini might tramble us or break our hearts or....a million other things.....its less about reality as some old patterns that get brought up into the lime light by the energy, kind of like the body spitting out large splinters.....

I know salvation is through love and I have to do everything I can to bring on surrender now. I trust that my refining will happen so perfectly.....and that the gift I have to give you is yourself. I think the thing you have carried has been a key to becoming myself.....its as though we are giving each other the gift of each other through the magic of our being. I am so happy to be near you I would love to just gaze and chatter for hours on end or hold your hand and kiss your lips so you could feel the ache welling up within me, or how I would breathe you in just before my lips touched yours....I would be such a gentleman.....because your presence is so important to me I'd never dare do anything that might bring you discomfort or uncertainty. Let just be happy and leave the details for later. I think I have been missing you.

What is Real

If you are familiar with kundalini you know very likely know how meaningful coincidences have a way of happening. You think of something only to have someone mention it later that day out of the blue....or you will stumble on something that has nothing to do with what you were looking for only to have it echo or answer a question you had just recently been asking. These meaningful coincidences, or synchronicities now do not surprise me but are now more like guideposts, suggestions that I look carefuly or consider what I was thinking about earlier. Maybe its not necessarily a validation as much as a revelation which could go in many directions. Today, though, it was a bit of a validation as I asked why someone I know is believing that their version of what is real is so harshly clung to, why? Well, is it possible that as we toil away here with all of our versions of what we think is real, the multiverse is expanding and we are transiting into the next step in awareness of ourselves....something which has been building for decades...centuries even.....and is now coming to a head?

like this...



I think that we are looking with a fresher eye at the quantum universe and are asking just what is real. There was, for example, a meeting between Albert Einstein and Wilhelm Reich (a psychologist who did work with Jung), a meeting that Einstein should have noted in his diary which detailed all of his meetings with scientists who paraded through his office in Princeton to show him their experiements that helped to illuminate something important as it related to physics. In the case of Reich, his meeting was not mentioned in Einstein's notes, but Reich had them in his own notes, and they describe how when Reich showed him his experiment that had a thermometer in a Faraday cage and which would always register 1 degree above ambient no matter what time of day, inside or outside, Eisntein was reported to have said "I don't want to think about it" and that was that. Modern physicists are willing to look at the quirky world of Reich and his assertion that he DID meet with Einstein to show him this experiment, and as a result of this there is finally a fresh look being taken at Relativity and how our world works through the lense of this experiment and just how huge its implications are. As a side-bar for those who might wonder why one degree above ambient is important, is that in Einsteins universe--- time, space, and gravity along with mass are the important factors. But what Reich suggested was that there is a force which produces an energy field everywhere that must be accounted for due to its ubiquity. Some physicists are now suggesting that the reason why we have had such problems getting a unified field theory is because Einstein, for as visionary as he was, simply selected the wrong set of elements to plug into his equation; they are suggesting that perhaps gravity is not the end-all, and that there is another force in the universe, very likely electromagnetic in nature, that gravity might be a product OF or related to in a different way than Eisntein originaly theorized. This has the potential to produce endless amounts of energy (think heat pumps and how they extract energy from the atmosphere...the implications of this in our volatile carbon-based fuel/energy world is HUGE) as well as helping us understand how the multiverse is built or structured (some suggest its electromagnetism that seperates us from other worlds or universes).

Now that goes far afield from what I was originally discussing, but it does perhaps help to illustrate how far off we can be sometimes in our conceptions of how the world is, or what it is we think the world is like. Its as if we have the tail of this giant tiger and because we see this tail whipping around that we know what it is we are seeing. How do we glimpse the tiger in entire? I'd like to suggest we do so through our god natures.....and goddess natures....of which each person has one, thankfully, and that perhaps....perhaps...just maybe...if we learn to remove the debris of our lives, the hurts and prejudices that were pumped into us as kids and while growing up, that we will find a soft center to our being that knows the truth...or is capable of aligning with truth....or perhaps had always been aligned with this truth and all we need do is let go our limiting ideas about space time and that inside of us is a traveler that is unbound by time that caries within it all the records of our travels past and future....but that more importantly, and most importantly, has a love inside of it that is so unbound, so unhitched from our notions fo what love might be that to touch upon it would be like.....like the greatest revelation of our lives....perhaps ever in this current age. And it might just be, maybe perhaps.....that in this age we have come here, at least some of us, with an agreement to wake up out of our trauma-enduced stupor (think how babies were brought into this world just a few decades ago---that's trauma enough to get us started on shutting down....), just enough to glimpse the cracks in the wall of our being and begin a process that has inched along snail slow over these millenia and which has suddenly been building steam right along with our advances in industrial processes and technology......it would make sense, then, that our inners would begin going through a likewise similar trebling of its capabilities....right? Well, okay, so maybe....and if we can get to "maybe" then how huge would that "maybe" be? How huge would that be....would it be as huge as that thermometer sitting mute in that Faraday cage, so mute that someone who had his door open to all great thinkers of his time chose not to say peep? Can we set aside our pride and our swords long enough to just consider that maybe, just maybe, the process some of us are going through is one that is laden with godseed and abundance, that the process could be messy but true and ultimately good.....so good as to be explosively wonderful and good that it might begin a process of washing clean our wounds from at least five thousand years of this experiment in paternalism? I know; its clear I have issues.....and I know I do....and I very much wish to harness them in the drive forward. I am nothing if not passionate--- and passion, gently steered, is a wonderful thing to have because that passion can be felt and then harnessed by others in the form of inspiration, no? Just like in the Kate Bush song Cloudbusting (which was about Wilhelm Reich!) "just saying it could even make it happen..." Oh come on, talk to me....talk to me about hermometers and weird looking cages and how could it be off by one degree and how is it that I am going through what I am going through....and how is it that what I am experiencing could well be what happens when we touch powerfuly upon the divine....is it that we have a moment where we do not recognize it when it comes into others? Did that happen with our great visionaries who were not understood in their day? And is it possible now, though, that instead of just a few the world is being littered with these people who are just now beginning a substantive discussion about whats really important.....and it really has little to do with Faraday cages but about a love so amazingly wonderful.....well, I can't even say how wonderful it is because it has to be felt. But its great, and I know for myself I have to keep traversing these pathways in order to find this state in totality because I think nothing less will do. Hungry? Starving, yes. Starving for it, thirsty like desert sands are thirsty which hold seed beneath their sand blasted surfaces. I think there are others like myself who are likewise hungry.

Most of what is being looked at or considered by our new breed of physicists is nothing new to aboriginal cultures, seers and mystics. The question becomes what is real(not that they would need to ask that, but perhaps WE need to ask that at some point just to stop and take a little stock). We have the world as we know it and yet it begins to interact with us in a way that maybe the old paradigm says it shouldn't. Some might say that's not what is going on, that its delusion or imagination. But that's not it. Something is suggested in this and no amount of pooh pooing will make it go away. It looks like the number of people having this kind of experience is growing. Witness the number of blogs on kundalini. When we begin to ask what is real and find ourselves changed by the very utterance of that question I think we find ourselves in some important waters of the soul.

I think its time that we learn to swim and drink deep.

Plucked

There is a song playing in my heart, a song to myself,
of myself
which is a song to you, playing through you,
for what I hear you will hear.
Each movement of the string is a caress so gentle,
so long in the making the fingers hover and pause
over the strings, drawing this out for as long as possible.
Let this moment slow so I can take this all in
as the sound I feel in me
is the sound you feel in you
as goddess meets her god
in sacred space
outside of time
and space matters not,
yet is redeemed as we draw closer together.
Here, I pull back each petal
of your georgeous body
as it reveals even deeper truths
which are secret, mysteries,
meant to feel not know.

I was always meant to feel you
not know you.
The truth is, the heart is all that ever mattered
as the king and queen of our desitinies.
Where once I walked timidly
I walk grandly with the heart center and with certainty
as I lift back the veil to your bed chamber
in this one slow movement
a movement which has taken ten thousand
years and the blood of souls to fulfill.
What matters most is that this time is here
and so are you
a water goddess
a giver of life
let me pull back the petals of your sensual you
let me into your world of wonder
lets move gently together
each touch a kiss
each breath a new life.

Come, take my hand,
lead me down by the waters deep.
Restore my soul
and open quick the door to my heart
and enter in, my welcome bride.

The music I feel, the vibration of strings
moves through me just as they move through you.
Your song is my song and my song is yours.
Bound by the same orbit
bodies ancient and knowing swing past each other
slowly, quickly, unerringly and certain passing on their secret knowing
through the channels made in our hearts.
When I yearn for you
can you feel the strength of my desire, the sensuality beginning to drip
from me like pearls from the godhead, peeling off like nectar, every bit saved
and channeled through to this mighty gorge which is the place where
your feminine meets my masculine and the furnace of our souls
ignites in this sacred fire.

There is a song I'd like you to listen to.....

Alchemy

Kundalini is an alchemical process, no doubt about it, and perhaps is the only real alchemy....a refining of the self, a stirring of the soul. I, like others, have discovered the importance of surrender. I began at a somewhat base level in many ways, a square one, and began to move up from there. The person who was my counterpart showed up in just the way I probably needed karmically....all the while I was feeling as though the universe was bringing me this experience and person to me for me to learn from. What I had done I think was to short circuit my own decision making ability by thinking the universe was doing this to me, something larger, and felt like I should not be asking questions too much. Be obedient, follow. And yet, there were some real problems with this situation that I could not reconcile. For me, this was about refining, of breaking free of old strictures, or old karma, and dissolving those bonds through intent. It was time for further refining and it was clear....in retrospect....that given the conditions that further refining would not progress much more than it had then due to the limits of belief and faith. When this process began it was subtle as well as sudden.

I found that by beginning to dissolve the bonds between others whom I had connected with that my energy was free to continue to change and a more paid rate of change was underway. During my almost three-year experience with kundalini I felt my chakras open from root to just before the heart. This all happened within about amonth and then stopped once the energy reached my heart. Some aspects of my heart energy opened up....but it never really went beyond the heart. I had some third eye experiences just before the kundalini began in earnest such as a feeling as though someone was trying to crush my head with their hands by sqaueezing hard.....something I later learned was more about the third eye opening. Looking at some of the Hindu and Vedic imagery I was able to see the same bands that I felt go across my forehead and to my third eye. I was lucky to come into contact and correspondence with someone who has changed my life and helped to bring me back to myself. I know now that we were fated in a manner of speaking to be here in this place in time to do good work. Because the energetics were much higher in pitch or vibration my own process was kick started in a way it may have never happened otherwise. This person had had kundalini since a young child and from the beginning I was aware of a avery strong presence which slowly came into view as we moved along in our friendship and correspondence.

Kundalini is not just a cosmic energy. It has a physiological fingerprint which involves revving up the endochrine system. Adrenaline is the chief element which enlivens the body but it also wreaks havoc on your flight or fight response. The lesson has been how to subsume the adrenaline, to transmute it not into edgyness but into a bliss which leads to greater levels of energetic union. I found that over and over I had to sit relaxed as I could feel my adrenals going crazy. Eventually I found that I could change the feeling from something hard to something easy.

The role that trauma plays cannot be downplayed in the alchemy of the soul and heart. I had experienced some profound alienation from my family as a result of a step father who sought to seperate me out from the rest of the family and to treat me as though I were different. There was physical abuse as well, nothing my step father would have thought was out of the ordinary for his background, but which helped to seal the deal that I was going to become reclusive. It turns out I had harbored a feeling in my heart field which made it very difficult to begin letting go of these feelings I had kept holding onto all these years. With the expert help of my beloved she was able to fish around inside of me and help to identify things in my field. I found for instance that the anger I felt in me around my mother was not anger at all but was hurt. Thing was, life would not have been any different; she would have done the same thing had she to do it again. So first being able to understand what it was was feeling was key. It also had the effect of opening up my heart center bit by bit. Because beloved is a someone with very clear and strong gifts psychicaly, she was able to tap into my field and assist me in understanding what was wrong with me. This has improved my relationship with my Mother in that I no longer carry buried hurt or resentment or missunderstood feelings. I think that I see things a little more for what they are instead of what they were perceived as. This does not magically make the world a better place, no, but it did supply me with a little more clearer view of my life. Soon after this happened beloved tapped into my energy field again and began to experience some excruciating pain from the pain body....during this time, though, I was experiencing just the opposite. I felt something lift off of me so clearly that I wondered what on earth was going on. I could feel all kinds of odd energetics happening inside of me. When she wrote to me I had the distinct impression that she had taken my pain body onto herself. I may be wrong on this one point, but this was how it felt at the time. This moment acted for me as a kind of rebooting of my spiritual computer.....when I came back online I was feeling the worst pain in my body I have felt in years; the pain body. Something she had done...perhaps lifting it for a moment, was what did it. From then on out, I was keenly aware of the painbody. It became part of my mission to try to eliminate it from y experience forever. It felt as though I wanted someone to come step on my heart center and grind their foot in hard to my heart center in order to break up the crusty hardened energy there. It was a bit like having a mote of concrete or stone around my heart. Through beloved's prescription for beginning to do energy work to loosen my meridians and become unblocked, I found that this practice of Qi Gung put me in a place of discomfort initially but later I began feeling much better as I felt years of negative postures drop away.

This was a time that marked a change in my life. This was a much more serious and studied effort toward refinement. This was not easy for me. It seems I had allowed myself to become locked into my mind, my intellect, instead of being heart-centered. I had become ego-centric and unable to surrender. Somewhere I had managed to allow my intuitive and sensitive side to wash away like tears in rain. Still sensitive, perhaps exageratedly so, kundalini had me in a vice grip and I struggled with the newfound intensity of it with my beloved. She was mirroring and catalyzing so much inside of me. I felt like a babe in the woods. Things were happening pretty fast. I was feeling better with the energy work and moved quickly to stamp out my smoking habit I had picked up the previous year after having quit some time before that. When this happened, something quite odd took place. I found that I experienced a raw sexual energy much stronger than I had before. Not just that but I was aware that it was coming from someone with whom I had some amount of connection with. I hadn't even thought of it as anything involved, but somehow I had glommed onto this person's energy....and it was not good. In fact, that energy was the energy of addiction. In this case it expressed itself as sexual addiction. I had never felt this problem before but I suspect I had enough trauma from my childhood to bring that up in my field as a possibility. Perhaps the experience with kundalini and quitting smoking was just enough to fire up the addiction. I later learned that we can trade addictions.....and this was where I began to learn a lot about how addiction works. I could not break free from the grip of this energy. It had me in a grip so strong....a part of me wanted out but apparently a subconscious part of me did not. Over time I was able to resolve this issue but only through continual prayer and meditation. Being able to simply drop the energy was the first step in recovering from this odd episode. I think that the turning point was when I began to feel love within the energetics of the experience that things began to change. Until I was able to clear myself of these issues, I would simply be wrestling a 400 lb boa constrictor instead of walking in grace hand in hand with the kundalini force and my beloved. In fact, through this process I would sequester myself from her for fear of doing something incorrect or out of balance.

It was at this point that I began to be aware of beings in my field. One who announced himself in name showed me the potential my heart had by reaching in and taking out what looked like a dead body out of my heart center. This was akin to something like a flayed skin....a husk actually. When this angelic being did this, I could feel my meridians more clearly. I could feel spots just below my shoulders and which felt like were at the tips of my lungs which felt much clearer. My beloved remarked that this was perhaps where my wings would attach were I to have them and she was right....that WAS hwere they might be if I had them. Huh. I would wind up trying to pick this old dead body back up a few times while removing the body myself a few times. The angelic being had also shown me my potential by touching my heart and when he did this he released something that was so blissful, so wonderful I could not imagine feeling it for much longer than a few seconds.....and yet I knew I needed this energy more than anything. He explained that what I had felt was the love inside of me which was also the love of the universe, of Source, of God-dess. Further, I was aware of my heart center being mirrored by another identical image of what looked like....for lack of a better description a cross between a white peony and a lotus. Think lotus with way more petals....like a peony, and rimmed in gold. This was what my heart center looked like to me as this being reached into me. He also communicated what I should be eating in preperation for my fast. It turns out that those foods were foods mentioned on the website The Physiology of Kundalini. I found oddly that when I ate cantaloupe that the negative aspects of the kundalini adrenal response were greatly softened. It was also a great excuse to eat cantaloupe which was just then in season. I had also been shown an egg in its shell as another food that was important to me going forward. Eggs, as it turns out are full of vitamins and has a form of protein that is easily digestible. My gut was in bad shape and so I went through a fast. Beloved sent me gifts in preperation for my fasting time and one of the strongest feelings of surrender came over me with this angelic being being very close to me all the while.

A month later while laying in bed I was aware of this same angelic being explaining to me the role that sexual energy plays in the god-dess experience, that I had to begin to work with my energy, that they were doing things to me to help this energy heal and unfold within me. Not long after this I was visited by a goddess presence who explained or coached me in a process involving sacred sexuality. I was alone but was in the grip of some incredibly powerful energy which felt like liquid opium in my body. I was instructed to move the energy through my body, and through the clear voice of this woman whom I knew worked closely with my beloved, she helped me raise my energy higher and higher. She explained ina avery no nonsense fashion how this energy in me was so necessary, that the energetics in me were being changed, enhanced. I found that in self pleasure that the energy was no longer raw but had taken on a feeling of liquid fire, of a passion so strong yet so healthy that I knew that this was nothing short of alchemy....the altering of the body and he energy body to facilitate ever greater potentials for energetic union. This was what I thought of as laying the roadbed or creating the channels through which this new energy could flow. Truth be told, I had never felt anything like this before. This made regular sex just that; common or regular. I had had experience with what kundalini could do to my libido or how it would supercharge my feelings of sensuality or passion, but this experience laid the groundwork for something that when my intent was carefully balanced allowed for an experience that was unparralleled. Nothing could compare to it.

Prayer

Yesterday I found that my left front brake was sticking, slowing me down. I tried to loosen it just by pressing on the brakes even more, letting go, pushing, letting go; none of it worked. I told myself it would loosen up some, it wasn't so bad. I drove to the car parts store to get some brake cleaner as a first measure in preperation for taking off the wheel and trying to get the brake from sticking. When I got out of the car I walked past the wheel and could smell something....I knew this smell....it was the smell of hot brakes. I looked down into the wheel hub and saw to my amazement the steel disc glowing red. Amazed, I gazed at it as it gave off a deep cherry color. Knowing how to gauge temperature by color I knew this was crazy hot. It was sapping the car of its power, dragging everything down with it. Something needed to be done. Today I got the brake loosened and can feel the difference in the pedal and how the car performs. The shuddering I felt, that was a failing brake. Getting to it before more damage was done, that was important.

So today as I felt some glee over having been able to fix the drag on the car, something in me knew that this was a metaphor that I was meant to pay attention to. So I did. It was a simple lesson, with simple solutions. Lack of refinement is like a drag on the awakening being. It seems that this drag had been going on for while before it was even noticed. Much like our insides....those things which we have not paid enough attention to, but are now noticing, slowly relating to them and trying to understand them in the new heart-centered way.....and knowing that for as much tinkering as the mind and ego may think it can do to fix the situation, the best healing is to simply ask for healing because the higher self will hear quite clearly and will respond. I thought about this, how I so needed surrender because of how much I am now ready to feel as thing drop away.....this small bit of fear really creates a drag on me....this fear of loss, this thing centered on ME.

The last deep view into my godself showed me something and made me feel like I need to tell you this even though it makes me feel uncertain somehow....something I know must be from my ego or mind....but I cannot not say it. I do not pray to god, I pray to you and your goddess because THAT is something I know. I do not know this other. I know that everything inside of me says this must be sought through one and one only, so I keep it to you only. And when I pray to god, I pray to myself to bring myself the healing it needs....and as I beseech, he hears and moves forward, a heart like a lion.....fierce but warm and gentle and so full of love...and when he moves forward he reminds me that I must tell you this.

He says that you must know.....that he is showing me my larger potential, bringing in himself, my larger self gently as I can handle but also so I can feel his love which is without condition nor limit. His love....its a vibration and as shown by the angel my heart has a twin....twin hearts....white lotus tinged in gold, overlayed one another, merged by common purpose, common love. But he loves you no matter what happens. He is beyond want or need, and yet, his love enimates and enlivens, makes warm the cool, lightens the dark, explores potential and encourages the weak. He is beyond want for he has all that he needs because his surrender to his higher purpose is as complete as we could imagine. His steps are certain, and his hand is steady as he lifts back, achingly slow the thin veil that seperates your body from his. He showed me this thin phosphorescent veil on you as you waited for me in the bridal chamber all covered in warm thick blankets and pillows propping up your arm and your side and enveloping you in their sensual folds.....there is the energetics transformed into something akin to a powerful drug.....the energetics brought by goddess to drive through me, showing me the path so I cannot forget, burning it into my memory, making me want it beyond all measure, bringing passion into me not as a slave to it, but as a devotee, a solemn yet passionate follower.....all energetics following the divinity that is us.....divinity that is not some starched collared type all done up in sunday morning cologne, masking worlds of possibility for the sake of seeming and propriety. Your body is my altar, your lips my holy book, your womb my vision, your cries my song. Every last drop of you shall I contain and hold and marvel at....and once held I shall set you free upon yourself only to let move your infinite being through my fingers like so many deserts through the outstretched hand. Cosmic mind meets cosmic mind and weds its heart inextricably to your mystic heart.

I do not have answers, but I do know I will follow no matter what. I know its in me to do that, to follow and be obedient to this calling from within that speaks to me through brake pads and synchronicity and reveals a world gently unfolding with passion and grace what we most need to bring to this world in this age, a culminating event in our individual pathways but also in the paths of others here as we raise the vibration and do what thousands of years have not done; help bring peace to the heart of humankind.

If you were my Mary and I your Jesus, would you trace my palm and smile knowing the ressurection and the life was more than any story of gruesome death could ever tell, that the kingdom was for those who could be innocent like children, capable of following their larger selves, willing to let the higher scales of consciousness play through so that heaven and earth could be hitched together.

Come, let me kiss you this one time. It shall contain within it the ache and passion which has had to wait all this time....as gaze meets gaze, as heart becomes heart; it will redeem a cycle full of confusion and empty of real love. I may not know how the flower unfolds but I know that it must unfold.....so patient like innocents, lets love this with everything we are and let someone else worry over the details. This bliss is enough as godself awakens within myself and goddess surges and flows like the great ocean that you are to me now.

Bows in Grace and Thanksgiving.

Her Divine Presence

I feel you
like a warm eddie of water
first a trickle
then a roar.

Oceans are contained
within you,
even in the very first drop.

So come to me my watergoddess true
I seek only to strip you
of that which stands between you and me
and as I reach for the fleshy folds of your
sensual being
to drive my awareness through you
I feel your Presence driving my action
feeling its calm certainty
as it makes it way
into the body of your divinity.

As waves crash over land
I feel my rocky stability holding its own
as your watery nuance crashes over and over
upon my shore. Every rock and outcropping
explores your mutable shifting body
feeling every aspect of you
adoring you intimately
hotly as lava flows
deep into her ocean core.

Roll over, over and over
so that I may feel every inch of you
every fold and wave and feather and leaf
that makes up your boundless body
which awakens and moves me
like some fine scent
drifting on the breeze
dropping down into my earthly form
beseeching me to drop anchor
deep into her ocean depths
so that we can bring our heaven
to our earth.

I know goddess is endless
many faces and lives
but she is now alive in one form
only
for my soul seeks only one
for the purposes we have been born into.

What Remains

When Kundalini struck almost three years ago I began a process of refinement. Intuitively I was aware that the "new" energy in me was pressing this process as its quiet intelligence and presence showed itself to me. I had little understanding how exactly I got to the debris of my inner life, only that the energy began to press forward in me whenever I was able to uncover the stones which lay about my field and which the fire in me appeared to reveal. Like a brush fire raging across a prairie, the sage brush is burned away to reveal a landscape dotted with stones, all of which needed to be picked up, examined, forgiven, before the energy would advance any further. Within a month or two the process had come to a halt, had idled. Something about the kundalini tapped my soul and began the process of clearing my insides so that something clearer could come through. As this happened I felt a language of my soul rise to the surface which was part and parcel of the energy on the one hand and my soul essence on the other. Is it possible that so much of this is soul chemistry and that these karmicaly based connections could only go so far? I suspected that it had to do with something inside of me but also in the other, how the energies all worked together to facilitate change and growth. It felt like my own emergence was limited by the ability to which my counterpart in this was able to heal herself because I think that we DO spark something in the other based on the soul chemistry and if that chemistry is limited in scope or power then it will seve its purpose for which it came but it may not wind up being THE message or THE thing....and perhaps in my case the things I had to overcome were bigger than my own inner resources.....and that my own karma was causing a good deal of events to take place in order to push and press certain issues until they were dealt with. After a number of months of being in idle mode other connections began to propagate. At the time I trusted Source was sending this for my own education or growth. In retrospect, though, I think that it was more likely that my soul so badly needed to move forward and begin the process of change within my smaller self that it would do whatever was necessary to reveal the truth of the matter.....which was that something had to move, that things within me had to be healed, and the clock was ticking. Sometimes it feels a bit like we are just piecing things together as we get them.... the puzzle pieces, no matter how hard we want them to match simply do not....or perhaps only match for a time, or maybe...only match in a certain way for a certain time until our own shape changes....or maybe I am still chewing on this....but one thing is for certain and that is, for me at least, these experiences draw from me my soul....something that I recognize as being vitaly important for me now. I think that once you touch upon something like that you can never go back, and when someone is able with such aplomb assist in bringing that forward through the megic of her soul energy, the world changes in a way that is difficult to explain or articulate.....its not that the world has changed but that I have changed....or rather something in me has begun to be fulfilled. That feeling is singular above all else.

Looking back at all of this its so easy to see how these connections were reflective of my own old hurts or trauma and even karma. In a sense the people were perfect in that the mirroring was bringing up those energies which were the result of unresolved issues within me which I had attracted to me through shared trauma or hurt being mirrored. By the Spring of last year I looked around me to try and make sense of all of this and asked myself was this really working. My feeling was that it was not, but I had adopted this sense that the universe had been sending me this stuff, so I should dutifuly take what it had to offer or pay attention to what these connections were trying to say. Without a good answer, I began to consider that I needed to begin utilizing the energy which flowed through me for creative purposes because I had just reached a place where little was making sense and the way forward was within myself. It was then I think that my energy began to change, and a new direction was being made manifest.

When you came in it was like some old friend who stood looking at the mess I was in and saying "this is a mess." While I knew it was a mess I didn't know how to change it since I had given up so much of my will in the process by having made so much of this the will of the cosmos. Work got underway immediately, though, to first clear my field of so many energies and then to begin a much more active period of refinement. Blessed, you stuck with me, lending your keen sight and knowing through the process....helping me dig through myself to understand where old traumas lay which began an important process of clearing and healing. While my side may not have been perfect, I remained engaged because something inside of me knew just how important this all was, that I could not bear to feel your presence dissapear from my life because what you awakened in me was not just something inside of myself but was itself a recognition of what you are to me. My soul recognized you from a place that was from the core soul self....as if I had somehow spent eternity with you and would from time to time send portions of myself out into the slip stream of time. As old Archonic energies were stripped away and old agreements were forgiven, my insides felt like they had become a battleground. A battleground? Against whom?

Myself.

So easy to point fingers; we are all responsible for our own stuff. No one holds us against our will spiritually, or makes us drink from waters less than clean, or to do that which hurt our hearts or souls. With great luck you whispered into my ear something as old as forever and I have not been the same. I think the tuning fork of your breath struck a note my soul recognized and began the process anew in shaking off the old things and waking up to the new paradigm, however gradually. While its no fun looking at the mess its informative, too, given enough distance from it.

What is most clear to me is how lack and hurt or trauma distorts our insides and causes the energy that flows through us to become coarser or raw. Not knowing anything differently, this rawness buffeted by the cosmic kundal current makes us think we have something important if we never know anything better or different. Well, we do....but by the time it has played itself through us, it has become distorted, a shadow of what it could have been. A simple missuse of energy. To correct this, healing had to take place inside of me and this can be as simple as letting things go....By the time this was happening these things no longer felt like something alive in me but were more like little cells in a larger body....perhaps cells which were ready to be sloughed off after their time in the body was exhausted. As the hurt goes away the energy field becomes more clear and as that becomes more clear, then there is more room for the divine and so small wonder that beings began to show up, tutors of sorts, all adding their staccato lessons as quickly as possible and moving on. But when a man is able to be humble and listen to the wisdom of the woman, the healing that can take place is unlike any other. I would maintain, though, that this woman would be one who is guided through divine purpose. So essential, so necessary all of this has been, but given that life is beginning to trend in new and wonderful directions, the drive for purification, of preparation and living in grace becomes stronger and stronger as I feel my heart open to a love inside of me I never knew I was capable of. Within that love lies a goddess in her repose smiling back at me asking what it was I was up to....and I wonder how it could ever have been any other way. Patting the bedclothes I lay down beside you wondering what will be when we become so true to what we are inside, as we let fall these things which have been like protective coverings....

Beloved

How do I awaken the waters which seem to move through the gulf between, how do I enliven and join in holy union that which is my counterpoint in my soul? The answer I think lies in this moment....in what we are becoming, our intention which rises up like new worlds...coupled with intense creative energy seeking to be directed and moved in a purposeful way...... Increasingly it is more and more important to step more forcefully into this self which makes up my core.... to facilitate letting it move forward into my life so that it can begin to direct my life instead of the ego mind trying to do the directing, making messes all the way. So why not? Why not say yes to this larger self and leave the driving up to her and him? You and I can sit, relaxed, in the backseat watching a truly incredible soulscape unfold as we move along in this together. Truth is, there never was a gulf, save for what was illusory. What matters now is the heart. Through its gateway paradise is seen to make chase our hopes.

Your goddess is the single most beautiful being....I cannot even say....so achingly exquisite....I am entranced by her, by how she moves down through you and radiates in you. Something in me knows only to draw her out through fueling this passion as the goddess has directed, opening new channels making this energy feel like liquid opium flowing through my veins.....as images from the distant past stream through me, uniting a dark but inspired past with the present with images of a bull standing in the field, plow hitched and pulled tightly to him as the hand of a master plowman keeps the power in his body from lurching forward unecessarily. Directed, played, worked expertly, he prepares the fields for abundant life to spring forth as rain will come in perfect timing. His plow will reach deep into the earth and break free the dried earth which has not felt the pulling of the plowshare through it, yet breaking free there is a marvelous relief and healing as those unusued parts, a sea of earth, is freed to give life again. In her role, she is a world of infinite possibility, an inneffable sea sinking into darkness, whose depths the godself seeks like no other.....to discover, to enliven, to awaken self unto self.

When the godself enters in, when he steps forward, my purpose-now loosened from all the debris that had covered my heart- begins to shine. Its not so much an answer to a question, but more like a logos, a truth, a presence, a knowing....and it stands beyond all efforts to try and crack it through the mental....simply because it does not NEED such examination....its so obvious, so present when it is given the chance to BE. It does not seek mental jewelry. It seeks that which is most precious, and is beyond all enumeration. That which is most precious to him is you, beloved. You are his fertile cosmos, the ineffable ocean crashing against the desert sands....the abundant fertile lands which support and nurture new life.... in the world of nature. There is not a place where you are not and as daughter to her greatness, I spread before you the only gift I can give; me. Aligning to you, I find that I align to myself and to a larger sense of being, that reveals divine nature. Such wonders that come from your abundant heart. How is that possible? This is why I call it a religion, perhaps the best there ever was for a soul like mine who could never really find anything to follow that felt quite right. But unlike saints of old this god never sought chastity or obedience or righteousness to some outside force but allowed his own nature as gifted to him by Source as his compass. Its as if this has been bound up in heaven, the kingdom, hidden from view, and just now, the waters of spirit are beginning to leak and drip and soon, oh so soon, the dam will simply crumble away. Thank goodness you shook my shoulder as I lay in slumber, so unaware, so lost, really. I am so thankful, in awe of what you are within, and on this cold crisp winter night I can feel your now familiar sense of presence as though it has always been. If we can but gather up the courage to give this sprout a life in this world....to let it grow to the light and spread its branches like the mustard seed got its humble start.....how great would that be? As the world begins to burn and turn and fall apart and ships drop to the dark depths of sea, wont you come give me this great soul kiss which will give my heart and soul that moment whereby my desert lands are soaked to their core with the great surging presence which is your ocean?