Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Primary Source

I want to tell you a little about me. I grew up with a sense that there was something more, and wile I did some searching through books, I stayed away from philosophical and religious works for years.  I never felt the answers would be there, I was concerned about the distortive effects I felt were present in religious texts.  Instead, I found myself looking into the works of Raymond Moody Jr. as a ten year old (author of Life After Life, a book on near death experiences).  It was then that a light went off in my head.  Here was an explanation of this “something more” that I felt more at home with, that was largely unconcerned with trying to frame a transcendent experience in terms of something religious or dogmatic, or t seek to dress it up in some way.  Certainly the people who had gone through clinical death had their own take on the experience.  Some saw Jesus, some saw demons.  I felt sure that all of this was the result of something highly subjective, and this view was only possible because I was not invested in a religious of faith-based viewpoint.  We see what we believe we will see.  Later I was steered to the work of Jane Roberts and found many of my thinking echoed in her work.  It was thick and sometimes difficult material to get through, but the basic premise is that we create our reality and our beliefs shape that prception of reality.  The degree to which we have beliefs that help or hinder us is the degree to which we are in more conscious and cooperative control of our own personal world.

Ultimately, being able to dig deep within yourself is what matters most.  I can promise you that everything that you are and have been is brought to bear in this experience.  Why then do we seek to find the words of others to tell us how to feel and become?  On the one hand, having kundalini can result in your feeling estranged from the world for how unusual your experiences are, and sometimes we just need to feel like we aren't crazy, sometimes we just want to know that we ARE normal, and this is why so many online resources have proliferated, mostly to let people know they are okay, that this is something you will get through, and that all will be okay.  But when I read sources that say you can ONLY do this with a guru, or that you can't awaken kundalini any other way than by X,Y, & Z, I know that this is simply incorrect.  So the guidebook for this experience is through your own experience.  Gopi Krishna didn't know what was happening to him and sought out an ashram; they could not help him, or wouldn't.  He did it on his own.  Krishnamurti could not understand why he was having the trouble in his awakening that he was.  In some ways, yes, you are alone in this, but the courage and bravery that it instills, the self reliance that it drives in you is important for the days ahead.  What happens is WE become the primary source.  I wont disregard that there are important things to find or learn, but when its wrapped in dogma or belief, things can get distorted pretty quick.  To Thine Own Self Be True

Over the years I have had a number of unusual experiences that have often had to do with other cultures, material that I had no way of knowing about, pieces of a still larger puzzle that didn’t always make sense because I was only seeing one small part.  I, a white anglo this time around, often had trouble trying to create some kind of sense of perspective for why I would encounter an etheric form of what I would later learn was Quetzalcoatle or the vision I was reliving was Thunder Beings.  In time, much has unfolded more and a better picture has emerged.  Many of these experiences were simply wrapped in a culturaly-based belief system.  The archetypes or gods and goddesses involved all represented higher aspects of ourselves.  We can miss that when we believe there is some objective reality to these things, we can often miss the nuance of this experience, which is that many of these visions and experiences aren't "out there" but rather emerge from inside. I still remain somewhat resistant to researching into other traditions, but as a result of having a large manuscript written about my experience with kundalini one thing is emerging clearly for me through my own experience.

We can become incredibly biased by the words of others.  Is what you are feeling of authentic nature or the result of ego? Are you feeling into your own experience enough to become the Primary Source for what it is that you are formulating about your experience?  Do you believe that life is a realm of suffering? Do you believe that you are supposed to suffer in order to grow?  If so, then you will most certainly find situations where this seems to hold true.  But what if you said that suffering was not necessary?  What if your paradigm shifted so radically that you began to see it from a completely different perspective?  C.S. Lewis believed, based on his own experience and karmic lessons, that we were supposed to suffer as a way to know God. This was what God had given us to help us to grow up spiritually, he reasoned. It all makes sense, but the deeper truth is that the suffering isn't even necessary to begin with!  The path through this is learning how to deal with the ego which tends to bring all of our suffering to the surface or to give it life or reason for being.  It all centers on how something seems different for one person than another. I didn't get the love I needed, Sally got the bigger piece of pie.  The world isn't fair.  Its out to get me.  I will die alone. I am afraid.  Me. You.  Particles floating in the universe.  Separate.  Awakening offers a new way to see and to be.  To do this the only person who can free you from the shackles of your prior system is you.  Not a guru or teacher.  Granted, we can get amazing support from those who do not seek to judge or frame our experience a certain way. This is very rare, though, because we always tend to want validation of our beliefs from others and tend to insert them throughout our life.  The path to growing up is to grow up to the realization that we are more than we could imagine within, and we have to dig down to release the material that gets in the way.  Some of this can even be an addiction to pain, to sorrow, to hurt.  I know this doesn't make sense, but the emotional self, the ego, too, doesn't always make sense.  But we can get caught up in these balls of suffering and wont allow ourselves to see or feel our way out of it. It becomes so real for us that we become invested in its reality.  We think we have to slay dragons when all we need to do is simply walk away. The fight never was necessary, unless it somehow served to placate ego long enough to get it to go off to the side so we have the room in our divine awareness to begin to feel how bliss can transform our lives.

Your life, your being, is inherently creative.  You create beliefs that then perpetuate themselves.  You create a life that has as its bedrock all of the biases and feelings that remain within you.  The gods you choose reinforce you as much as you them.  The world is not as solid as you think, and reality is far more plastic than you know.  The Law of Attraction will continue to bring you those things that you believe will happen.  If suffering is the way to enlightnment, life will certainly be framed in that fashion.  But if you understand suffering to be the result of unrealistic expectations, or expecting others to fill all of our own needs instead of manifesting what we need through our onw intention, then the world will certainly seem to provide you with examples and events that will reinforce your notion that this is how life must be.

I have some difficulty with older sources.  I have trouble even looking at them sometimes.  I have begun to do so because I am writing a book.  Mostly, I stay away.  I stay away because so much of what kundalini is cannot be adequately explained.  It isn’t something that is intellectual.  It isn’t.  And if you think it is, there are some hurdles yet for you to get through. Its all about FEELING.  The language of the soul and of the creator is not through the mind or intellect, but through something far more foundational, through something far more capable of wrapping itself around the mystery of all of this, and it is the feeling self.  The mind is a concretion of the psyche, a tool for understanding certain aspects of our world, but only certain ones.  The Zen Master Taishen Deshimuru correctly observed that those followers who were the most mental in their natures were the ones who had the hardest time with touching the infinite.  The mind cannot wrap itself around such a thing.  Only through feeling can we do this adequately.  The intellect is merely a tool, but its not something that can open the universe.  We are the result of an egoic and intellectualized tradition.  We are slowly learning to develop a greater balance.  Intellect serves its purpose, but in kundalini, you will freeze if you allow it the reigns to all of this.  To flow with the boudnlesness of lifeforce and the universe, the one part in your capable of doing so if your feeling part.  I promise you that this will always be the case, and when you feel pain in your body it is because you are following some limiting belief that is not part of your essential self.
Think of it this way; you walk into a room where two people are singing. One is the higher self and one is the earthly self, the one that resides in duality.  One of these people has perfect pitch, the other is off-key.  When this happens, we can always spot it.  It stands out, and something called dissonance emerges.  This dissonance is like the pain body, like the tension that you feel when you get the kundalini blues.  By stopping what you think you know and by following the place where the pain and anxiety stops, you reach a place where you quite naturally align with the person who is singing on key.  It will always feel perfect and it will always keep you at peace.  The infinite self is trying to teach you ho to feel differently by highlighting the dissonance or difference between what you feel in your earthly self with that of your infinite self.  I say as though they are different.  In a sense they are, but in a larger perspective, they are One.

When you wander from your core purpose, you will begin to feel pain.  The vibration of the old beliefs will begin to play through you.  Along with this will be those memes that accompany them such as I was not good enough, I am not loved, I am not lovable, I fear being abandoned, etc.  Letting go of these old patterns also means letting go of the pain.  If something is not right for you, you will feel it as anxiety, tightness.  With kundalini this can be SO overdone that it feels like real physical pain. This is all energetic!  Through the etheric body, this material or data is streaming in and it is trying to tell you  something!  Pain is NOT necessary!  However, the pain is there because you have an old hurt or trauma that remains unresolved.  Your subconscious, which has become a dumping ground for all these lost souls of your past, now is starting to lift these elements out into your conscious awareness.  You can’t hide from them anylonger!  This is the divine pulse, the impulse towards unfolding, a process of self examination at the deepest levels.  the degree to which you can be emotionally honest and humble in the face of this great leveler is the degree to which you will speed through and release these old dead bodies from the past.

No one is responsible for you except you.  No one is responsible for your happiness or even love except you.  Until and unless you can learn to love yourself, you will continue with this tendency to blame others or see how you were not loved, or not lovable enough (I know this from first hand experience!).  It all comes down to self love, most of this.  “I was attacked.”  “I was abused.” All of this has to do with self love.  But wait, doesn’t a victim have no voice? That is the sticky wicket here.  We are almost ALL victims in one sense or another if we so choose to see it that way, and we ONLY cease being victims when we take responsibility for our feelings and lay the feeling of being a victim aside.  Never will being a victim find justification.  It will only find recrimination and "justice" through some harsh measure meted out to another that is merely eye for an eye and continues the cycle of suffering for others.  But we do ourselves a disservice, we ROB ourselves of power by making someone ELSE responsible for our happiness or love. 

Say you sit across from me and you are my beloved.  In the old paradigm, I am only happy because of the affection and love you shower me with.  If that goes away, I am miserable.  I am that way because I really do not love myself.  Like a vampire, I am getting it from you.  And while it may feel great, it is also terribly dissempowering.  I just got out of a long term relationship where I realized I very much wanted to be the knight in shining armor.  What I found, though, was that when you do this, you ask one person to give up their own personal power so that another may come save the day.  Suddenly someone else becomes responsible for your own well being!  Now tell me, how long do you think a relationship like that is going to stay healthy and last?  One person says “Here, take my power so you can save me…..and by the way, if you don’t do it the way I would do it, I am going to demonize you for it, you will be punished!”  And that is how it can happen.  We are imperfect, and when our expectations are dashed, we suffer. We blame others because we are not yet fully in our own personal power, we are used to giving away our power.  But because this knight in shining armor scenario is so codependant from the get-go, no one can really win because its nothing but a tangle of he said-she said.  I give you my power, you give me your power and neither of us has our OWN power. Or love.  We expect everyone else to be repsonsible instead of simply standing up and following our bliss.

Sometimes we even see it as irresponsible to do that.  Especially incodependancy.  How crazy is that?  And yet, without first getting right within ourselves, we only continue the dysfunction in our relationships and we ALSO continue to attract based on our beliefs and biases.  Its a vicious circle we make for ourselves.  By being willing to consider there is something far different available, you can begin right now to shift your world from pain into bliss.

Your feeling self doesn’t need to analyze it or parse it.  Like a river, it will find the path of least resistance.  Believe me, when dealing with the higher self, the path of least resistance is the one you need to follow.  You are in the divine current and when you feel pain, THAT is NOT where you want to be!

Your higher self is like a parent.  It lives in the infinite.  If you can beginto realize that there are times when you will want to cross a bus street all the while the parent is tuggin on your arm (pain) its a good sign tha what you are doing isn’t good for you.  It knows.  Its your parent.  This is like a sleeping giant within you.  Give up what youthink you know and ask to be led.  Let the ego sit at the back of the bus for a bit and let the higher self in for a bit.  It will show you the way….not through postures or diets or concepts but through how th BE different, how to feel different.  And once you do that, the path begins to get easier.

We are often addicted to our beliefs, to our pain, to our trauma.  The ego validates this, empowers us to often feel and play the victim.  Its an amazingly stubborn piece of us. Its like the men who can’t ask for directions. If the man would just let his feminine to flow through him, he might realize that what he needs to do is cease being so rigid and start melting and stop worrying over what that will look like and start experiencing what it will FEEL like.

You have two currents moving within you.  One is masculine and one feminine.  They seem separate, but they aren’t.  They are meant to be in union in your body.  The degree to which you can facilitate their union is the degree to which you learn how to drop the old hurts and beliefs.  This is an act of loving yourself and it will open doors of bliss you can hardly imagine.  The moment you start asking “but why….to what end?” is the moment when you drop out of it.  This is not a knowing thing.  Its a feeling thing.  Its more like learning how to balance atop a bicycle or ride a wave than studying how a wave works in theory to be able to ride it. Something inside of you already KNOWS how this is done.  FEEL it.  In feeling it, you will BE it. When these two currents merge creative energy explodes.  You are cracked open.  Creative energy does this.  It moves you from your old place to a new place, a better place.  Creative energy is Christ Consciousness, the child of those two currents.  Or call it Krishna or whatever.  However you choose to see it or conceptualize it, allowing yourself to be open to infinite possibility also opens you to the path to your lineage as a divine being.  The Source of all Life is itself creative.  Its a part of your very essence.  Source is your first mover, your divine parent.  Its who you are.  We all share this same cosmic dna.  Its only through the creative that we advance and grow. We dream new worlds into being, new concepts, new ways of doing things. When we loosen up and allow the dance of these two energies to do their thing in us, explosive new things can be in the wings.
We try to put words to all of this, yet its entirely formless.  It is the very energy that gives rise to form. Feel this in you now.  Don’t parse it or analyze it.  Just live with it.  If you feel pain, then its a sign you have something to let go of.  Let all aspects of your being equal presence…left and right, high and low, masculine and feminine.  And as you do this, the energy of the creative will crack you open and anything that did not serve you before now slips away in the night.  Kundalini is merely training you how to feel, and if you feel pain, there is something you are still hanging onto.

When Gopi Krishna thought he had only awakened one side of his kundalini and was having a terrible time of it, his own conception of how this all goes showed through.  In truth, BOTH currents were moving in him, but he had a masculine rigidity that kept him from flowing.  His higher self, using his old beliefs, did hat it had to do.  Desperate, he tried to visualize the feminine current moving up through him.  In an act I know was surrender, he gave in to the Her in Him. Only then was he able to balance his energy, only then was he able to gain a greater measure of sanity.  The pain he felt was the result of having submerged the feminine within.  Certainly you can feel kundalini while being unbalanced like this, but chances are the energy isn’t as strong as you thought it could be.  There seems to be a stage where the self is ready for still more, a desire to bring more into the body in order for deeper change to take place.  This can result in dark nights of the soul….dispair so great that it feels insurmountable.  By learning to melt, by letting go and surrendering to your still higher being, you can begin to learn how to be in your higher self.  THIS is growing up.  Its not about GOING through pain, its about learning how to let go of the need for the pain.  C.S. Lewis once wrote that pain and suffering is Gods gift to us, to help us grow up.  The only purpose pain serves is to teach you to cease feeling it.  The pain isn’t necessary.  It does not make you stronger.  You are already an infinite being underneath all of this.  Its always been there.  You are not arriving, you are waking up to the fact you were always there!

Like an onion, as you shed the layers of dross, you come closer and closer to your essential self, which is bliss. Each removal of a layer feels like an utter revelation, and it is, but it is also a process towards becoming. There IS a reason why you feel anguish or pain, and if you understand that it has to do with an identification with certain hurt parts of you, you are that much closer to letting it go.  Ultimately, though, you can’t think it through.  You simply have to learn how to feel different.  When you let it go, its gone for good.  It will not come back.  This is about a supreme act of surrender, of disrobing until we stand naked before All.  This is very much what we must learn to do in order to be different.  Thinking it through wont work. Letting go does.

I will say one thing about all of this, and it is that there IS a physiological component to all of this.  Its all connected. In my research as of late, I have been shown that MOVEMENT is an important aspect in helping remove these old traumas.  When I began to consider that my friend who has had kundalini her whole life shook as a child for a reason, I began to have people mention to me books about how animals shake to remove trauma, then another book by a man who saw how shaking is sused in aboriginal cultures.  Then in another case I stumbled across an account of a man who released a lifelong trauma that involved him going into a fit of shaking.  The Shakers achieved ecstatic states by way of shaking.  Ohsho, it turns out, developed a form of movement that helped to aid in removing trauma and old patterns from the self.  The single most effective way I removed energetic blocks from my field was by attending Qi Gung classes held across the street from where I live.  So certainly there is something to this, and it can be a powerful way to help aid in the process of healing.  I go into detail about this process in the book I am writing entitled Waking The Infinite.
If you need something bad enough, it will come to you.

As I was working to remove blocks I had an experience with a being that showed up in my room.  He showed me some foods that I should eat that would make me feel better.  One of these was cantaloupe.  Later, I came across a mention on some site that spoke of how important melon was for helping to soothe kundalini blues. I found the effect to be significant and now use cantaloupe when needed.  I was also shown eggs, and I suspect that there are enzymes and the right kind of protein in them to both nourish me as well as help to keep my energy more even.  I know that I now can be sensitive to certain types of meat.  Chicken is a little weird for me sometimes.  I can remember someone saying they preferred the eggs from ducks because they are just much more calm in nature.  When you think about it from an energetic standpoint, that can make a lot of sense.  I am all for anything that works in the midst of difficult times with kundalini, but in the end, its really about learning how to be different.  In so doing, we can much more easily remove those old roots that have been growing in us that are negative karmic attachments that will continue to turn in us and effect us.

Even though I have looked into gnostic texts and some Hindu, what I find is that there ARe no “authorities” on all of this, just people's own digging inside to find the answers, all through experience. So much of it is steeped in societal material that sometimes the pearls are hard to see.  But we all know deep down what this is all about, and even though we can dress it up a hundred different ways, the simplest way of explaining it is the best, especially in our age.  Even Jesus is quoted as saying that once we bring the masculine and feminine sides of our being into a unity, we will experience the kingdom. Not many seemed to understand what he was trying to say, but its there for those who have eyes to see and ears to hear.  And just in the Hindu system, they have Shakti and Siva as two people who will join at the apex of our being.  The only problem is that this also is colored by the culture who shows Shakti as the raw energy that must be refined before she can stand before her lover, her beloved Shiva, who is already refined and waits for her.  When we can melt away those old biases that serve to effect our thinking and perception, we will begin to see all of this beyond what the experts say it is and we will be truly empowered and the Primary Source for our own unfolding!

I know all of this might be hard to take.  we are so used to hearing what others have to say, but I say to you that until you begin to hear your own inner voice, your own inner authority, you will forever be chasing after what OTHERS say instead of being brave enough to follow your own Source.  Observe yourself, watch what happens when you feel good and when you don’t feel good. What is happening?  This is one place where your mind can help some.  Observe. And if you are having trouble understanding, then ask for someone who will assist you.  It will come soon enough.  You know this.  Kundalini revs up the whole manifestation energy and creates will synchronicities to happen.  If aligned right, it can happen in moments. Listen deep deep deep.  Still deeper, still deeper.  As you do, you will feel the strain begin to loosen. An old hurt you have been holding onto for lifetimes will fall away and your life will change as a result. Still deeper you feel into this until you can walk this authentic path that is your own.

I promise, pain is NOT necessary!

And just so you know; I say all of this to myself so that I might remember and never forget!

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