Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Why Feeling Is Key In Awakening

Most of the problems people have in an awakening are related to holding onto an old accepted structure within the psyche that actually has served to LIMIT the awareness of the divine pulse, what I call Waveform Awareness, which is just like the particle/wave duality expressed in physics.  I write about this in earlier blog entries as a way to simplify how this works, realizing that it is a system, a method for understanding (but which is free from dogma and which applies to observable phenomenon).  We use the individual self as expressed through ego to hold firm to our old ways of being, not realizing that we just need to be different, we need to learn to FEEL differently.  But there is stuff underlying why it is we have trouble with feeling so deeply into the Infinite, in the the Waveform Awareness that is our birthright.

You are composed of a huge number of karmic attachments which kundalini serves to help you to release.  Everyone who has gone through kundalini will have had some degree of experience with how this intelligent energy moves to do this. Gopi Krishna himself went through a terrible time because of these egoic structures that resisted the flow of the Infinite in him. It created night terrors, pain, and anxiety.  He feared he might even die. I know these issues all too well, having been through them.  What changed things was my awareness of letting go of my attachment to old karma.  Self esteem issues, fearing not being loved by others, all of which served to distort the truth inside which is that we ARE perfect, that we ARE loved (we are this love), and the way to the Infinite wasn’t through some outside agency telling us we were okay but tapping the Infinite, the Waveform Awareness.  If you have all these emotional issues running around inside of you, they will block your awareness of them.  You can glimpse them, certainly, because kundalini does this, but until you pull the plant or karma out by its roots, it will continue to grow and cause you problems.  Your awareness will keep going to the issue, unresolved in you as it is, instead of being free to focus on the bliss and beauty that is your own soul.  The problem about feeling is that our emotions can get in the way since they rest alongside the channel to the infinite, which is our feeling centers.  These attachments have a life within us, almost like a subroutine in computer code;  it rests there until activated and then will run through its routine until it is done, ready to be activated by the right code/event.

You are a bundle of these little routines alive in you.  Most of the ones that cause you the most trouble are ones that you have shoved down deep into your subconscious.  This is the nature of trauma.  In fact, if the trauma is severe enough, you will even forget about the events of the trauma for months, even years.  This is a protective element of your psyche, but it also means that some things can remain submerged for a long time, or partially submerged, with the person being unable to get at the material enough to deal with it, or to know its even there.  Awareness is key, and kundalini can help drive this.  It is equally true that you don’t have to know that a given trauma has been released.  Sometimes something just falls away, you feel it as it happens, and you focus on how good it makes you feel as whatever it was is now gone for good, taken out by its root. The problem is that feeling is not rational, and kundalini is not about anything rational in the normal sense.  Its about the infinite.  Its about everything.  Under its broad sky, you can feel all the other people awakened on the planet.  You can feel into the past as if it were the present and feel the countless pilgrims and followers as they prayed and leaned into the currents of kundalini.  The mind and ego seeks to know, but the soul resides in everything and so identifying this or that issue or problem just isn’t a concern to the soul.  Merely forgiving it all to reach the All is what its all about.  Inner peace, joy, and bliss.  As the individual learns how to be effected by this larger self, this Infinite Self, it is like a child learning from its parent how to be. It slowly molds and forms that self so that it is in a better place to channel the power of the Cosmos.  It can’t do this as effectively with all these subroutines or issues at work within the self.
Many people will feel fear over kundalini as it washes over them.  The fear is not the kundalini, the fear is the person reflecting their own fracturing in the face of such a powerful energy.  Uncertainty arises about whether it will take them over (yes it  will) and like a lover, it seeks to entirely seduce you….but you cannot be seduced if you are hanging on for dear life, fingers clenched at the edges of the river as this mighty force seeks to wash you away.  “But everything I know will surely be washed away if I let go!”  cries the ego self.  And it is true.  All that it held dear WILL be washed away, and yet, the self will remain because individuality is as immortal as the soul.  But the ego does not know this.  It fear extinction.  Many will experience nightmares, all reflections of their own fears exaggerated and highlighted by the presence of kundalini.  Little surprise that kundalini will release vast amounts of the fear drug into the body; adrenaline.  When this began ina whole new way in my own body, it was extremely hard.  I had no other choice but to sit quietly as all I wanted to do was to leap out of my own skin.  Kundalini was teaching me how to conquer fear.  It took a while.  Slowly, though, desperately, even, I found a path to bliss even in the midst of the harshest environment, which was fear, all highlighted by adrenaline.  You see, the adrenaline served a purpose; it was like a microscope making all my small unnoticed fears obvious to my waking mind, to my very being.  No more ignoring it. Just as I had experienced a long march of all of my more obvious worries and fears in the beginning of kundalini through dreams about all the things in my life that got to me, so did adrenaline ferret out my more subtle fears that remained lurking.

In a situation such as this, you either hold onto the feeling of fear and the adrenaline continues, or you let go and realize that there is nothing to do but let go, to surrender.  This was like boot camp, Surrender101 for me.  There was nothing to do to wrestle with this fear……nothing to do but to let go.  I developed imagery that involved me sitting in a boat, allowing the tether to the dock to simply go.  Rudderless, I allowed the ocean, which I envisioned as being kundalini, to just take me.  When I did this, when I began to think about things that were tied to the vibration of surrender, things got easier.  I was using the powers of spiritual alchemy to make a change in my physiology.  As a result of this, I was found a pathway for turning fear into bliss.  The vibration of fear contains within it the seed of bliss. We can turn on bliss in our bodies by removing the fear that lies dormant in us.  When we conquer the fear, the path lies open to feel the rush of the Waveform, the Universe in our bodies, both etheric and physical.  It was around this time that I began to have profound openings of my heart that were nothing short of amazing.  As I watched as each one of these happened, I realized each of them was based in choice.  None of this was really mysterious.  Something in me that was not rational nor mental was choosing to open to the universe.  I can only describe it as being a profound desire to open to the universe, like a woman surrenders to her male counterpart, allowing him to come into her, to move all through her, to fill her with his presence and bliss.  I knew that this was the feminine side of kundalini and of my own awareness that made this possible.  This is where understanding the dual role of the masculine and feminine characteristics in the psyche can aid one in an awakening.  Little wonder in out male dominated society that we have such problems embracing the universe in such a deep and profound way.  Maybe we just don’t know how to utilize this very feminine aspect of our being to aid in its happening.  Some people might even feel like it makes them less a man, or a woman might feel it makes her less a woman to bring her masculine characteristics forward in order to balance things in the face of an awakening.

At an early stage in all of this, I began to be aware of presences in my field, all that resolved into very vivid beings that would show up from time to time.  One of these I felt was someone whom I thought of as my zen monk.  He would come into my field of awareness and he would rest calmly asking me quite clearly what I was doing.  I explained I was trying to find this better place within me.  He said there was nothing to do, that the work had already been done.  Countless adherents, he explained, had sought over millenia to find this place, this vibration, and now was the time in our development that all we need do is step into the blueprint laid before us.  Bit by bit, I got the idea. Feeling into this field that was the universe of consciousness, I was aware of every being that was awake like some point of light….all perfect, brilliant, pulsing and aware and serving to feed into this larger awareness. I was even aware of still more that were in the wings awaiting the perfect timing when they too would awaken.  In a moment I could feel how the planet was waking up, that there would be far more people who would undergo this experience.  

We were all individual and yet also part of a Collective Consciousness greater than the sum of its parts.  Here, there was no question; here, there was nothing to do but to soak it all up and let it reform and shape us.  Fear only served to get in the way.  Slowly, ego was pushed to the back of the bus and a different kind of driver took its place.  The need to know where we were going began to diminish.  In fact, the less “I” knew, the better.  By learning I was already attracting events without having to do anything materially, I began to understand that a new arrangement of self was possible that was built on a trust of this larger set of elements that is our divine birthright. I also realized that what I attracted followed by belief, my feelings about a whole world of things.  the key was in changing those feelings so that the universe would begin to reflect back to me events that would be more beneficial to me in my present place in life. To do this meant letting go of a number of things, like self worth (or lack thereof). It always revolved around learning to love myself better, to allow myself to feel what I had refused through feeling all my life.  Somewhere I believed I was not worthy of this love that was inside of me.  The universe was ready to show me its love, and I WAS this universe!  This wasn’t selfish love, but self love, a very important distinction.  Its very much about  growing up spiritually, and about not being so hard on ourselves that we prefer to marinate in crisis and pain instead of joy and love.  When I was able to begin softening these ideas and beliefs, how I felt changed.  And events around me changed.  More and more, unusual and amazing events came into my life unbidden, but secretly wished for, most often in the most amazing timing that its hard to believe.  But unlike C.S. Lewis, who maintained that suffering was God’s way of helping us to grow, I realized in a moment that the suffering wasn’t even necessary.  Suffering was merely the result of all of the memes ABOUT suffering at work within the self that kept the divine bliss at bay.  Remove that, and the universe comes rushing in.  I promise you.  Learning what is eating at you this very moment...all of the material you have pushed back lifetime after lifetime that does not serve you, does not make you happy or content is the journey.  You are on this journey now.  You are not here by accident. 

Feeling is key, but in order for feeling to work well, emotions that are built around hurt and trauma must be forgiven and surrendered.  Being able to no longer judge, to realize that the imperfection is perfect in a way, the shadow dissolves in the face of a still brighter light of the soul.  But without being able to feel into this new world, we remain stuck in the mind and ego, two parts of the self that cannot and will not feel.  They can only analyze.  Using them in awakening is a bit like picking up a screw driver and proclaiming its the screw driver that unlocks the universe.  It is you who does this, and you must use the tool for a very specific purpose.  Beyond that, though, the tool has limited use.  Use it for what it is good for, but do not mistake it for the end-all be all.  The ego is perfect for sitting at the back of the bus, not shunned, but allowed the place it should be in, which is no longer front and center.  the mind can turn on the great mystery of this experience, but it will never plumb its depths.  It can’t.  But your deeper Essential Self can.  And will.


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